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The room’s spinning with the admission as every single interaction I’ve had with Kellan plays through my mind.
Kellan’s wanted me this whole time? That can’t possibly be true; I would’ve known it, right? But there’s nothing in his face but raw honesty. He really cared about me this whole time. Was I always too blind to see it? I didn’t realize my own feelings for him until recently, but I know they’ve always been there, just pushed down and ignored until we got to Cuba. When it came to me and Kellan, maybe I was always scared to look deeper, to dig beneath the surface and discover the truth.
Still, I say, “But you’ve always been with other girls, or flirted with them, even if I was around. You even flirted with Kiara in front of me!”
“Nothing happened with me and Kiara. Besides, I was trying to give you space. I know how you are, Faye; you like to be free and go where the wind blows and act on whatever whim you have. The last thing I want to do is crowd you and scare you away. I didn’t want to force you to do anything you didn’t want, especially when you made it clear you didn’t wantme.”
I want to deny it. Deny, deny, deny that he wouldn’t have scared me off, that I needed him to make it more obvious, to tell me how he felt; but the fact is he knows me, probably even better than I know myself. He isn’t wrong that it would’ve scared me off. He’s known me long enough to see how I run away from a guy once he wants to become serious—saw it happen with his friend Zach too. Knowing all this and that Kellan understood and still wanted to be with me causes my throat to constrict.
“But I do want you,” I say thickly. “I thoughtyoujust wanted it to be a hookup.”
“You’re the one who made me swear never to tell anyone.”
“Because my brother would freak out!”
His anger morphs into something akin to resignation.
“Would it really be so bad if he found out we were together? I wanted to tell Adam, tell everyone, but you were so against it.”
He pauses, collecting his thoughts, and swallows. “You told me tonight that you wanted to be with me,reallybe with me, but what does that mean if you still want to hide us? Hide me?”
My mouth opens to tell him I’m not hiding him or us, but nothing comes out. I’m in love with Kellan and I want to scream it from the rooftops, tell everyone he’smineand that we’re together. I’m not ashamed of him, and I don’t want to hide us, but not telling Adam is the same thing as hiding us. Why do I care so much about Adam knowing? Why am I clinging to this notion that Adam will somehow like me more if he doesn’t find out about me and Kellan? I hate that I’m desperately seeking his approval, hate that I’m seventeen fucking years old and still moping around after my big brother, hoping he’ll see me as his equal, as his friend, or at least as hissister. I want to tell Kellan all of this, that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my fear of disappointing Adam and driving that wedge even further between us. But I can’t say anything, and the quiet sadness Kellan was displaying before turns into a resolute hardness.
His jaw sets. “You know, Faye, it might kill me, but I can’t be with you if you want to keep me a secret.”
My heart aches at his words. This is the last thing I thought would happen after we left the pool party tonight. We started off on such a high, finally admitting we wanted to be together, but here he is saying the opposite.
“I don’t want to keep you a secret,” I blurt, rushing toward him but halting when he holds up a hand, like he can’t bear to have me any closer.
My pulse rushes in my ears. I don’t like this; I don’t like any of this. I don’t want to lose Kellan—I just got him. We were happy together for barely an hour before everything came crashing down around us.
“So you don’t care if Adam finds out?” he challenges, but there’s hurt in his eyes. “You’ll go over right now and tell him?”
My hesitation gives Kellan his answer, and his face turns to stone. “That’s what I thought.”
He opens the door, and everything inside me breaks.
“But—wait!”
He’s almost out the door and only turns halfway to face me.
“You only care about yourself, Fayanna.”
He disappears into the hallway, the door closing behind him punctuating his statement.
I don’t chase after him. I can’t. I’m rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to process what happened in a few moments.
The events of the night play over and over in my mind. How did it all go to shit so quickly?
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to talk to Lori about what happened with Kellan. I want to talk to Kellan about what happened with Lori. I want to chase after them and beg them to make up with me, to make everything go back to normal, but I can’t do any of those things. Everything’s numb after the revelations of tonight; my mind is too overwhelmed to fully process.
In a daze, I wash my face, brush my teeth, change into my pajamas, and slip into bed, staring at a spot on the ceiling without really seeing it. Should I chase after Kellan? Should I go find Lori? Probably. But I’ve never fought like that with Lori or Kellan before. I lost my two best friends in a matter of seconds, I’m all alone in a different country in a bed that’s not mine, and I have no one to turn to. Even if I wanted to go find Dylan to seek comfort, I’m too numb to move.
The worst part about all of this is I’m the reason everything is going to shit.I’mthe reason Lori and Kellan are pissed. This was supposed to be the best vacation ever, and all I’ve done is fuck everything up since getting here.
The silence is getting to me. It laughs at me, reminds me how alone I am and how I ruin all the relationships in my life, and soon I can’t stand it. I slide out of bed and turn the fan on, then get back into bed. I’m not hot, but the whirling sound of the fan blocks out the deafening silence, and the spinning blades are a welcome distraction from the blandness of the white ceiling. I track the spinning blades as best I can, my mind replaying all my conversations over and over, and soon I think of nothing as I embrace the darkness sleep brings.
EIGHTEEN
