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At least the kid is providing a good distraction from the stop-watch app I set up nearby on my phone to torture myself.
Luna sighs and puts her straw back in her mouth thoughtfully before switching back to the first track she was on.
“Mom… are you going crazy?”
Okay, she needs to go.
“Luna,” I breathe, feeling like all my internal organs are giving me the finger. “Go check the mail!”
She rolls her eyes but does what she’s told, disappearing behind the side of the house.
“V-v-v-v-vvvvvhhhh!” I let out to myself while she’s gone. God almighty.
“There’s a postcard, Mom!” The child loudly announces her reappearance from retrieving the mail. “What’s this place?” she asks, showing me the picture. I immediately recognize the iconic Space Needle even though I’ve never been to Seattle, and it triggers a vague memory. That’s where Ben is from… and he’s off trying to fix things…
“That’s S-s-eattle,” I tell her. “What’s it say?”
She turns it over and her eyes light up.
“It’s for me!” she cheers before she starts reading aloud slowly.
‘Luna,
Hey kiddo, just letting you know I’m in Seattle where I grew up. Things are good here, but I can’t wait to get back to you and your mom. I’m not sure when, but it will be as soon as possible,” she struggles with the last word a little but after a couple tries, gets it right.‘Keep practicing your shots and pet Buster for me. Love, Ben.’
While the cold still feels like it’s eating me alive, I feel a small marble-sized section of my heart start to warm, and that’s before Luna reads one last part.
‘P.S. Tell your mom I love her.’
I can’t believe it. Ben saying those words to me before he left wasn’t just a dream. He’s still saying it now, and he wants my daughter to know it.
Luna’s warm, joyful little smile that’s warming me over falters for a moment to alert me to the incessant beeping on my phone.
“Mom…Mom…” she nags, and I look at my phone to see that I passed my three-minute goal, and I didn’t even realize it.
Ben
I’ve spent the last week and a half with my parents; mending fences, catching up, and reconnecting. There have been some heartwarming moments as well as some painful and difficult ones, and it has not been without its arguments and hash-outs. But it also hasn’t been without copious amounts of healing; healing that’s been so relieving and therapeutic that I didn’t think it was possible.
Last night, I confessed remorsefully to my mom that I shouldn’t have been so cowardly, and should have done it sooner. Luckily, she has an understanding and forgiving heart, and simply responded, “You weren’t ready.”
I then proceeded to tell her about Kasey and Luna, which naturally made the subject of Jamie come up. Thus far, I’ve been able to compartmentalize well when it comes to the two women I’ve fallen in love with in my life. It’s just a confusing thing when it’s time to let go of my past with one in order to have a future with the other.
“There will always be a piece of that Ben that loved Jamie living inside you,” Mom said. “Let him. Because I can tell from all that you’ve told me, that Kasey loves every bit of you, including that part.” She leans forward with sincere warmth in her eyes and places her hand on mine.
She’s right, and I’m lucky to have found a woman that loves me that way. She deserves to have me give one hundred percent of myself; to let go of that small balloon between us… and so do I.
Which is why I’m here, parked at the curb of Amity Haven Cemetery with a bundle of Star-gazer lilies lying on the passenger seat. I take a couple of breaths to psyche myself up before grabbing the flowers as I open the car door. I step out and take a look at the beautiful gardens and the lush green landscaping, so vibrant in the sunlight.
But I don’t move. I don’t even take a step. For some reason, this doesn’t feel right, and not because I’m still being a chickenshit. I think back to the day Jamie was laid to rest here and I can barely remember it. That’s because I was in some secluded corner of my mind, pretending I wasn’t here, and that it wasn’t happening. I stared straight through people and tuned every voice out. Hell, I had to put this place in the navigation system to find my way here. And then I finally realize…
She’s not here.
This is not where I feel her. There’s nothing here but a headstone, and I can’t even remember what that looks like.
I abruptly turn and stride back to the car, discarding the flowers on a nearby bench. This isn’t how I do this; not here.
Kasey
