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“Fine,” she snaps, and I just roll my eyes at her. I take a second can and place that one beside her on the coffee table, before sitting next to her on the sofa. I crack my can open, take a drink and wait for her to do the same.
She picks up the can and tries to lift the ring pull with her thumb. After a couple of failed attempts she tries with her other fingers but is unsuccessful. She doesn’t even look at me, she just slams the can back down on the table in a huff.
“What the fuck are you doing here? I told you I didn’t want to see you again!” she shouts, clearly taking her anger out on me instead of the Coke can.
“Would you like me to open it for you?” I offer, completely ignoring her childish tantrum. It’s so unlike Emmaleigh, and I can see the hurt in her eyes. Whatever is going on with her, it’s really getting to her.
Wordlessly, she passes the can over to me, and I open it before passing it back. She takes a drink, places it on the side and mumbles a quick thank you, which makes me smile. “I’m serious, why are you here?” This time, instead of sounding snarky or angry, she sounds almost despondent, like she’s a second away from crying, and it takes every ounce of strength I have to just sit here, to not pull her into my arms. But I know she’s not ready for that yet. She needs to know I’m here for good, no matter what is wrong with her. And I really mean that.
“I gave you some time to call me, but you didn’t, so I decided to come to you. Not because I want to know what’s wrong. You can talk to me about that if you decide you want to. But the reason I came here is because I miss you so fucking much. Every single day since I last saw you has been consumed by thoughts of you. Every time my phone has beeped, I’ve hoped it was you. Every night I fall asleep wishing you were by my side, and every morning that I wake up without you feels wrong.”
I’ve practised what I wanted to say to Emmaleigh a million times over the last twelve hours, but no amount of preparation could have made the words sound that powerful. Looking into her beautiful bluey-grey eyes, no matter how dull they look, I’m reminded of the girl I care so deeply about, and I couldn’t help but put all those emotions into my words. I’m clearly not great at telling people how I feel, and the idea of doing this scares the shit out of me, but I want her to feel how much she means to me just by my words.
Tears start to form in her eyes, and I hope like hell they’re happy tears. She blinks them away before they have a chance to fall, but even just for a moment, I saw how much she appreciated what I had to say. I saw the happiness shining in her eyes, but that was quickly replaced by the dark cloud that seems to be hovering over Em.
“It doesn’t matter if you miss me. It doesn’t change anything. We can’t be together, and all you’re doing is making things worse by dragging everything up again,” she snaps.
I shake my head, ignoring what she’s saying, even if her words are like knives to my heart. “It’s not too late. I know I should have realised how I felt before, but maybe it took losing you for me to finally be sure how much I really do like you. We can talk about all the reasons I had for not wanting to be in a relationship another time, but the thing you need to know is that it was because of my issues. Some life long prejudices that I’ve had, that I’m working on. But never, not once, were they about you. In fact, I always used to say that if ever I were to get a girlfriend, it would be you. What I never realised is that I was already in a relationship, I just couldn’t see it, but you could,” I explain, as I slowly reach over and take her hand in mine.
At first I expect her to pull away, and I think for just a moment, she considers it, before eventually she relaxes and allows me to lace our fingers together. Where our palms meet, I can feel electricity humming through my nerves, and it feels like my body is alive for the first time in weeks.
I look up to see Emmaleigh staring down at where our hands are connected, and now she’s not holding back the emotions. Tears are rolling down her cheeks, and I want to reach over to wipe them away, but she beats me to it with her free hand. When she looks up at me, I’ve never seen her look so lost and in pain. My heart aches for her, and I want to hold her in my arms until the pain goes away.
“I wish you’d have had this epiphone sooner, Lee. Before, I wanted nothing more than for you to realise we were in a relationship, and for you to commit to us fully. It’s all I wanted, but now it’s not an option. I’m not looking for a commitment, Lee. I’m sorry,” she explains, as she lowers her gaze back down to staring at our hands. She can’t make eye contact with me because she knows I will see that she’s lying. She thinks she doesn’t want a relationship, but that’s not true. It’s just another way for her to push me away.
“That’s bullshit and we both know it,” I snap, and her eyes fly up to meet mine, startled by my tone. “You can bullshit yourself as much as you like, but we both know the only reason you’re saying this is because you want to push me away. I have no idea why you think you need to, but you don’t. I’ve made my mind up. You fought for us at the start, now it’s my turn. I’m fighting for you, Emmaleigh, and I’m not going to stop.”
She snatches her arm back, pulling her hand away from mine, before pushing me hard against the shoulder. “Fuck off, Lee. If I tell you to walk away, you have to trust I’m doing what’s best for us both.”
“Why? Because of your illness? Is that what this is about?” I ask, but she stays silent, so I continue. “I have no idea what illness you have, but no matter how bad it is, I will stand by you through it all. If you will have me.”
Her eyes fly back up to meet mine, and now she looks so vulnerable it breaks my heart. I can see the hope reflecting back at me, the emotion she’s so afraid to feel. “You say that because you don’t know.”
“Well… tell me then. What do you have to lose? I will either run away like you think, I will let you push me away because I’m too scared to stay, or I’ll be true to my word and stand by your side. Either way, you have nothing to lose, right?” I ask.
This time it’s Em who reaches over and grabs my hand, her eyes wide and pleading. “I will tell you, but you have to promise me something. Please don’t stay with me out of pity. If you find out what it is, and genuinely still believe it doesn’t matter, then that’s okay. But don’t stay because you feel you have to.”
I nod my head and give her a small smile. “Em, over the last couple of weeks I’ve been going crazy wondering what you might have wrong with you. In the notes app on my phone, you can see the illnesses I’ve narrowed it down to. I’ve also made a list, under each illness, of ways I can help you to deal with it, if I got the diagnosis right. But even if I didn’t and the diagnosis isn’t in my phone, the point I’m trying to make is that I’ve thought through a million different scenarios, and no matter how bad it is, none of them ever resulted in me leaving you. I want to be with you, and I’m not letting anything get in the way,” I explain, handing my phone over to her so she can take a look. She takes it from me with her free hand, but she doesn’t open it. Instead, she puts it on her knee and takes a big deep breath. I can see the fear and anxiety in the way she shuffles around in her seat.
“I have a neurological condition called Multiple Sclerosis, but people call it MS for short. Without going into too much detail, my immune system doesn’t work correctly and it attacks healthy parts of my brain. It’s a degenerative condition, meaning each time I have a relapse, I have no idea what part of my body will be affected. I could end up in a wheelchair, unable to move, unable to eat, unable to talk or control my own bodily functions. I will be trapped in my own failing body,” she explains, trying to keep her voice as controlled as possible, but I can hear the shaking as tears flow freely down her cheeks.
As soon as she’s finished, her tears turn into sobs, and I can’t hold back anymore. I reach over and pull her over into my arms. At first she resists, but I stand firm, and it doesn’t take long until she’s curled up in a ball on my lap, her cheek against my chest as I stroke the silky purple hair out of her eyes, before wiping away her tears. I hold her while she cries and cries, and my heart breaks for her.
As she’s crying it gives me a moment to think about what she just told me. That she has MS. It was one of the conditions I had on my phone, and I have to admit, it’s one of the ones I was praying she didn’t have. The idea of her having something incurable is like a stab to the heart because I know, no matter what I do, I can’t make her better. Still, it doesn’t change what I said. I still want to be with her.
I think about everything Emmaleigh said about MS, all the ways it can affect her body. I knew a little of that from my research, but I didn’t know all that. The idea that her body could fail her in such a way is heartbreaking, but it doesn’t change my mind. If her legs fail her, I’ll carry her. If she can’t eat, I’ll feed her. If she can’t speak, we will learn sign language together. If I want to be with her, which I very much do, then I will just have to learn to deal with this part of her.
I don’t know how long she cries for, but when she’s finally finished, she looks up at me, a shy almost sheepish expression on her face. Her cheeks are bright red from all the crying, her eyes puffy, but she’s still the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen. “Sorry about that,” she mumbles.
Em tries to crawl off my lap, but I hold her firm, and as she looks up at me through hooded eyes, I can see she’s confused. “You aren’t going anywhere, Beautiful. I meant what I said, I know MS is a serious condition that will affect you for the rest of your life, but you don’t have to battle it alone. I will be with you every step of the way. I’m here now, and I promise you this with all my fucking heart. I’m going nowhere, Beautiful. I was always yours.”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I lean down and seal my lips over hers. It starts as a sweet kiss, but as soon as we both get a taste for each other it deepens quickly. Her tongue sweeps across my lower lip and I grant her access. The kiss is deep and bruising, like we both can’t get enough of each other.
Em shuffles in my lap until she’s straddling me, her knees either side of my hips, her core sitting right over my hardening dick. I can’t help myself, I grab hold of her hips, pulling her down onto my shaft, hating the fact we’re separated by our clothes. Her moan rings loudly, but is swallowed by my mouth as I kiss her more feverishly.
Her hands rake down my front, right the way down until she reaches the hem of my T-shirt, and she pulls it up, exposing my abs. She lightly trails her fingers over every hard ridge, and I can’t hold back the shudder of pleasure that rips through me. That’s when she reaches down and begins to pull my shirt up.
I pull away slightly, both of us panting as we try to catch our breaths, and I take her cheeks in between my hands, forcing her to look at me. “Em, we don’t have to do this. We don’t need to rush. I meant what I said. I’m not going anywhere.”
