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I hate the painful look on his face at my reply, but he skirts past it like a pro, and just starts telling me some stories about his work. I’m actually kinda pleased with the distraction. I know I need to do this, and soon, but I keep telling myself that a few more minutes won’t be a problem.
After we’ve had breakfast, and Lee has put all the dishes in the dishwasher, without asking me, he takes hold of my hand and helps me to the sofa. I must have left my crutches over there, because they were definitely not within reach, and so I did appreciate his help, and I told him as much.
“You don’t need to thank me, Beautiful. I want to help you, to make sure you’re okay. You tell me what you want, and I will do it,” he says, his face completely serious as he sits down beside me, taking my hand in his like it’s second nature. Neither of us really thinks about what we’re doing, we just clasp our hands together like that’s exactly what our bodies were made to do.
This is it, this is the in I’ve been waiting for. But the more I tell myself I have to do it, the harder it is. Lee must see the war happening on my face, and he reaches out, taking my cheeks into his hands, and the feel of his warm palm against my skin sends shivers down my spine. As much as I hate it, I have to ignore how he makes me feel.
All I can do is stare at his alluring pink lips. I will always remember the last time we had sex, and I promised him anal. I will always remember the last night he held me in his arms as we slept. But I can’t remember our last kiss. Or, at least, that’s what I tell myself as I lean forward and capture his lips with mine.
At first Lee seems a bit unsure whether he should kiss me or not, but as soon as I swipe my tongue across his lower lip, all thought of him turning me down must have gone away. He allows me access and I deepen the kiss. He pulls me closer until our bodies are flush against each other, and I get lost in his taste.
I know I shouldn’t have kissed him, especially knowing what I was about to do, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to feel him one more time. The only problem with getting one last taste of him is that he’s my drug. Even just the slightest taste of him has me craving more. At this moment, I feel like I need his kiss just as much as I need air to breathe.
I’d like to say I’m the one who pulls away first, that I suddenly developed a backbone and the willpower to do the things I know will hurt me, but I haven’t. I keep telling myself I just want one more minute. So when Lee pulls away, and we’re both desperately trying to drag in more air, I allow myself one final moment with him.
“Did you mean what you said just now, that you’d do anything for me?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
Lee glances at me, his big blue eyes looking hopeful. “Of course. Anything.”
“I need some space. I’m so grateful you came over last night, but you can’t do that again. I need some time to just deal with everything that’s going on. When I’m with you, I can pretend it’s not happening, that my body isn’t failing me in the worst possible way. But, living in that dream state, it’s not real. I have to deal with everything that’s happened,” I explain.
Lee shakes his head. “But I want to be here. I want to help you.”
“No!” I snap, my voice is much harsher than I intended, but he’s not listening to me, and I have to get this done, no matter how much I might hate it. “You didn’t sign up for this, Lee. I’m not your girlfriend, remember. You didn’t want a serious relationship. If you were my boyfriend, I wouldn’t hesitate to let you in and have you help me, but you are not. You made that perfectly clear. I can’t risk opening up to you, only for you to fuck off and start dating someone else. Believe me, if you aren’t all in on this, you should walk away. I don’t think my life is going to get any easier from here on out, so please, just let me go and forget all about me. It was fun while it lasted.”
Lee’s beautiful blue eyes widen with each word that falls off my tongue, and as soon as I finish talking, his face falls, leaving devastation in its wake. He looks like I just stuck my hand in his chest and pulled out his heart. I know because that’s exactly how I feel right now.
It doesn’t matter that I’m falling for him, or that he makes me feel more like myself than I ever have done. Even if he were to feel the same way about me, I’d still be pushing him away. He doesn’t need to tie himself to someone who has no future.
“Em—” Lee tries to speak, but I cut him off.
“Please, don’t argue with me on this. Keep looking, I know you will find a girl who means the world to you, and who makes you want to settle down. That’s not me, and I can’t keep pretending that it will be. It hurts too much, and I can’t take that on top of everything else I’m dealing with,” I explain, and as soon as I mention how much it’s hurting me, I see Lee physically sag. The hurt is spread across his face for all to see, and my heart is breaking. I didn’t know what pain really was before my heart snapped in two.
“We can’t even talk about this, can we?” he pleads, his head shaking like he can’t quite believe this is happening.
“We have talked, Lee. You know how you feel, and I know how I feel. I thought I could carry on pretending, hoping for the day you’d change your mind. But my life is different now. What I’m looking for is different. Besides, trust me when I tell you, getting as far away from me will be the best thing you ever do.”
His head drops and he breaks eye contact with me, but just for a fraction of a second before he did, I thought I saw the ghost of a tear forming in his crystal blue eyes. We both sit there in silence for a few minutes, the awkwardness between us growing in a way it never has before. We’ve always been comfortable together in each other’s silence, but this is different.
After a short while, Lee takes a big deep breath and shuffles away slightly before standing. “I better go.” He doesn’t move, so I reach over and grab one of the crutches to help me get up off the sofa. I watch as Lee starts to move forward, as though he’s going to help me, but then he thinks better of it and stays where he is.
Once I’m upright, I try to give him a small smile, but even that’s too painful. I feel like I’m ripping out a piece of my heart, and he’s going to take it with him when he leaves. I will never be whole again, and my heart will never beat properly. I didn’t realise it was incomplete until I met Lee, and suddenly this hole I’ve had my entire life was filled. My heart started beating properly for the first time, just for him. But now, he’s going to take that piece of me with him, and I will never be whole again. I just wish he could leave a piece of himself with me, so I will have a part of him with me always. But it doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t care for me the way I do him, and so him leaving is the best thing for everyone.
Lee starts moving towards the front door, and I notice he goes slow as he walks, giving me time to follow along behind him. As soon as we’re at the door, instead of opening it, he turns to face me. “Can I ask, do you know what’s wrong with you?”
I take a big deep breath before I reply. “No, though they have their suspicions. I’m going for another test on Tuesday that will tell us for sure. I’m not going to say what it is until we know for sure. I don't think my brain can take any more maybes. That’s all I heard in the hospital; it might be this or it might be that. I don’t want any more maybes, only definitives.”
I’m not just saying that because I don’t want him to know. The honest answer is that I haven’t been able to say it out loud yet, and I won’t, until we know for sure what the diagnosis is.
“Okay, that’s fair enough. I accept you will find it too hard for me to be in your life, when it’s not the way you want, but for me, I’m going to find it so hard losing you. Over the past few months, you’ve become my best friend, and I will be lost without you. I’d like to text you from time to time, if you’d be okay with that? Maybe one day we can be friends?” he asks, that hopeful tone back to his voice, his eyes wide, almost pleading with me.
It’s the look on his face that almost has me falling to a puddle on the ground. I want to let those big puppy dog eyes have whatever they want, but it doesn’t work like that. I need to move on.
My face crinkles into a grimace and Lee sees it—he always notices even my slightest change. “I don’t know, is my honest answer. Give me a little space, and if I can, I will text you and we can go from there. How does that sound?” I ask, hoping that will be good enough for him because it’s all I have.
“Yeah, I can wait. But I really will miss you, Beautiful. Please know I’m here if ever you need me, just send me a message. You don’t have to be alone.” There’s no judgement in his tone, but I can hear the inflection. He knows I plan on dealing with whatever the hell this turns out to be by myself.
I have always been someone who takes care of other people, and if I let people into my world right now, I will spend more time helping them to deal with my illness than I do actually looking after myself. That’s exactly what happened at the hospital. I love my family to pieces, and I was grateful they took time out of their day to come and see me, but I ended up spending more time comforting them than they did me. It’s how it’s always been, and usually I can cope with it just fine, but with all this going on, I need to concentrate on myself. No distractions.
