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As soon as I wake up the next morning, when I realise I’ve not heard from Em, I send her that message. I’ve been staring at it for the last eight hours while I’ve been trying to work. Those fucking annoying two ticks are blue, which means she’s read my message, she just hasn’t replied.
All manner of thoughts are flying around my head. I’m thinking she’s collapsed alone in her house, unable to ask for help. Or she is just being too fucking stubborn and doesn’t want to ask for help. I’m also thinking this is her way of finally getting rid of me. My punishment for those fucking awful two weeks we spent apart. There’s only so many times you can tell a girl that you don’t want to date her before she listens, leaves you, and finds someone else. Maybe that’s what this is? Either way, it’s driving me fucking crazy.
I try to tell myself not to text again, that it’s pushy and it will make Emmaleigh run a mile if there’s actually nothing wrong. But that impending feeling of doom I feel in my stomach is worsening, like deep in the pit of my gut it’s telling me to keep checking on her.
I pull out my phone once more and type another message.
LEE
Hey, Beautiful. Just checking that you’re okay. I was worried about you yesterday, and now I’m even more worried today. Just let me know that you’re okay, so I don’t come all the way to your flat just to check on you.
I wait, and the longer I wait, the more concerned I become. I was only partially joking when I said I would drive to her flat to check on her. It’s not like I have contact details for any of her family so I can check on her. I’m stuck, so I just have to keep focusing on my breathing to hold back the panic I can feel drawing closer.
When my phone eventually does buzz, I almost jump out of my own skin.
EM
Sorry for making you worry. After you left I realised I wasn’t feeling well. Bad headache that was making my vision poor, and one of my legs was numb. I thought it would go away, but it didn’t. So I went to the hospital. They’ve admitted me to run some more tests to try and find out what’s going on. I didn’t want to worry you.
LEE
Holy shit, Em. Are you okay? You should have told me, I would have taken you to the hospital yesterday. What ward are you on, I will come visit you? Are they any closer to knowing what’s wrong?
Fear really is taking over my body right now as I spring to my feet, trying to find some more comfortable clothes to change into, since I’m still in my work suit. Before I have a chance to take my trousers off, Em replies.
EM
Honestly, it’s fine. I didn’t drive, I got a taxi. Don’t worry about visiting. My family is here, and meeting family is against your rules. I’m having a scan this afternoon, so hopefully I'll get some results tonight, but tomorrow morning is more likely. I can keep you updated, if you’d like?
LEE
Of course I want to be kept up-to-date. I’ve been so fucking worried about you, Em. It doesn’t matter to me that your family is there, I just want to come and see you.
EM
I’m sorry I worried you, but honestly, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do in this kind of situation. We’re not together in that way, so you don’t have to worry about me when I’m sick. You might be okay with my family being here, but I’m not. I can’t handle all their questions and opinions about our lack of relationship right now. I’m sorry, we can Facetime though, if you’d like? I’m in my own room, so that would be easy enough.
Fuck! I’ve read that text over and over, God knows how many times, and my heart breaks each time. All this bullshit over defining our relationship, placing a label on it, that’s what has caused all this. Surely she knows I care about her, even if it is only as a friend.
I don’t have the mental capacity to worry about Em, and think about what this means for the two of us. I know we’re going to have to make some big decisions soon because we can’t go on like this. But while Em is ill, and emotions are running high, is not the time.
LEE
Of course I want to Facetime. If you change your mind about me coming to visit, I can be there in half an hour. I care about you, Em, and I want to make sure you’re alright. You don’t have to be alone.
EM
Thank you. That means a lot. I’m not alone, my mum’s here, and the rest of my big, crazy family keep rotating in and out. I will Facetime you later this evening when they’ve all gone, if that’s okay?
I wait around for a couple of hours, just staring at my phone, waiting for her to call. I try to distract myself with other things, but it’s never enough. All I can think about is Em. Wondering when she’s going to Facetime, and if she’s okay.
My heart breaks knowing she’s in that hospital bed, and I can’t be there to check up on her. But I guess that’s all my fault. I told her I didn’t want to blur the lines, to make her think we were more than we are. Turns out, I was wrong all along. I’m the one blurring the lines.
As I stand here, all I can think about is hearing from Em, caring for her, making sure she’s okay. I want to be with her at the hospital, I want to hug her until she’s feeling better, and I want her to know she’s not alone. I’m very aware those are the actions of someone who is way more than a friend, but I’m just following how I feel.
When Em does finally call we talk for almost an hour, but I can tell she’s not really herself. I also know she’s hiding things from me, not telling me the full extent of what’s going on with her. She looks so tired, and drained, and I just wanted to be there to support her. But since I couldn’t do that, I did the next best thing. I tried to distract her.
I spent most of the time we were on the phone together making jokes, forcing Em to laugh. I figured if she didn’t want to talk about the serious stuff—and she made it clear very early on that she didn’t—then the least I could do was distract her by making her laugh. By the time she is ready to hang up, I’m pleased to see a smile on her face, even if it is just a temporary one.
