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Fuck! Mum has got the complete wrong end of the stick, and now I need to break the news to her about what Em and I really are. I never wanted to have this conversation with Mum—or anyone—which is why I haven’t told people about Em.
“Mum, I’m not going to be introducing her to any of the family. She’s just a friend, but if she starts meeting you lot, she might think this is more than it is,” I explain, but I can see that stern look on her face growing in only the way a mother’s can. She looks like she’s a second away from grounding me, and despite being old enough to ignore her, I still shrink down a little under her piercing gaze.
“Lee, that’s a load of rubbish and you know it is. With the exception of the last couple of weeks, you’ve practically been living with that young lady. You say she will get the wrong idea about things, but to me, it sounds like you’re the one with the wrong idea. Call it whatever you want, but you are in a relationship with this girl,” Mum snaps, and my breathing starts to accelerate.
Is Mum right? Have I been giving off the impression we’re in a relationship this whole time, and that’s why Em thinks the way she does? I mean, my words have always been crystal fucking clear, but I guess my actions have muddied things a little.
“Look, Mum. I appreciate what you’re saying, but Em knows what this is. She knows I never want a relationship.”
Mum squeezes my hand, her way of demanding I stop looking down at the table and meet her gaze again. It’s not easy discussing this with her. I worry she will see the real reason behind my belief. Nonetheless, she is my mum, so of course I do as I’m told and meet her gaze. There’s a sad look on her face, and I hate knowing I put that frown there.
“Why don’t you want a relationship?” she asks. Her brow furrows, and her eyes are laser focused on mine as she waits for my answer.
“I just don’t,” I mumble in reply.
Mum tuts. “Lee, don’t lie to me.”
I can’t hold back the huff that leaves me, and I know I sound like a stubborn teenager having a strop. “I’m not lying to you,” I snap. “I just don’t see the point in relationships. They always turn to shit, or people stay in them when they shouldn’t.”
Mum’s eyes widen and as she realises I’m talking about her and Dad. Her blue eyes that match mine perfectly start to glisten with unshed tears as she slowly releases her hold on my hand. She doesn’t look like she’s going to get up and leave—like she should after what I just said—but she doesn’t look like she wants to stay either.
“Is that what you think? That your dad and I stayed together when we should have split up?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
Dad is in the living room. I can tell that by how loud the TV is blaring out. He’s in his late sixties now, and his age is beginning to really affect him. His hearing is by far the worst, but the idea of wearing a hearing aid does not appeal to him. I’m not worried about him listening in on this conversation, yet as soon as Mum sees me looking in his direction, she gets up and closes the door, sealing us away in our own bubble. Maybe she thinks this is all I need to start confessing a lifetime of issues.
“Well… you do argue a lot. Less now than you did when I was younger, but still…” My thoughts trail off as Mum’s face droops, the mood in the room turning sombre. I love my mum to pieces, and I really wish she’d never asked me this question because I can’t lie to her, but at the same time, I hate seeing that look of pain on her face. Knowing that my words put that there.
She takes hold of my hand again, only this time she tries to pull me a little bit more toward her, so I have to shuffle forward in my seat to get closer. “Listen to me, Lee. Me and your dad have had our issues, and I’m so very sorry that you, and your brother and sister ever had to witness them. We would argue whenever your dad drank, but it was never because we didn’t love each other, or that we didn’t want to be with each other. I was frustrated because the man I love was harming himself by drinking. Every time I yelled, it was because I wanted to make him see the pain he was causing with his drinking. As much as it hurts me—even now—that he still drinks, I would never leave him. We’ve been together for over forty years, and not because I’m too afraid to leave him, or that I stayed for my kids. It was never about that. I stayed because your dad is the love of my life. Yes, at times, our relationship is chaotic, and I’d love him to make changes—I’m sure he’d change some things about me too—but that’s what love is. We work at it, even when it’s hard. I don’t know what you have with Em, but if she’s worth it, you will fight for her. And if she thinks you’re worth it, she will fight for you.”
“I still remember what you told me one night, when I was just eight-years-old, Mum. In the middle of one of your arguments, you told me to never get into a relationship, as they will always turn to shit, I will get hurt, and I will be stuck with the girl for life. They’re not the sort of words a kid forgets, Mum,” I snap, and as her eyes widen in shock, I regret the words as soon as they’re out.
“Oh, Lee. I should never have said that. In fact, you and your sister should never have seen half as much as you did. I can only apologise, and say that those words were fuelled by anger and alcohol. I would never have said them and meant them. You’re one of the kindest, sweetest people, Lee. You deserve to be happy, and I think Em makes you happy. Please, don’t let some stupid drunken ramble ruin your future, I won’t ever forgive myself,” she pleads, her breath catching as she tries to hold back her sobs. I hate that I’ve made Mum so upset, but I think this conversation has been a long time coming.
It’s like Mum’s words strike an arrow to my cold, black heart, and it’s trying to break down all the walls I’ve spent the last few years erecting. All of a sudden, everything I’ve ever thought about relationships has all been smashed to shit, but in a good way.
As Mum’s words fully register, I realise she’s right. Emmaleigh has been fighting for us all along, and now I just have to decide if I want to fight alongside her. But, the more I think about Em, the more worried I become that I haven’t heard from her. I know the most likely option is that she’s gone to bed, and she’s sleeping off whatever illness is creeping up on her, but that impending feeling of doom I have whenever I think of her, it’s starting to feel overwhelming.
Mum pulls me out of my own head by pulling me into her arms for a hug. It’s then, when I feel her tears on my cheek, that I realise I’ve managed this whole situation with Mum very badly. I’ve been so caught up worrying about Em, I didn’t see the full extent of the pain I caused Mum.
“Oh, Mum. I’m so sorry. I never meant to upset you. You know I love you and Dad, and I’ve always said I had an amazing childhood. Ignore what I said,” I apologise, as I pull her closer. My mum’s only around five foot, if that, and so she always feels tiny in my arms.
She gently pushes me out of the hug, keeping her arms on my shoulders, so she can make sure I’m looking at her. A few stray tears fall down her cheeks, but otherwise she looks to have gained some control over them. I can see she keeps taking big, deep breaths, which I’m sure is what’s helping her.
“Lee, honey, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. I can’t change what happened between us growing up, but you can’t let that warp your view of relationships. We have had way more happy moments, times when we’re so in love and are making memories together than we have ever had sad memories. And even if we were arguing all the time and we hated each other, that’s our relationship, not yours. You and this girl are the only ones involved in your relationship. If it goes wrong, it’s because of you two, and nobody else. I’m not saying you have to date this girl. What I am saying is that your reasoning for not ever wanting to date anyone is massively flawed, and I would appreciate it very much if you would think it through. Again, you don’t even have to date this girl, but I need to know that when the time comes, you will be ready to date.”
Nodding my head, I make Mum a promise, and I know I can stick to it because I’m already thinking about it as we speak. “I promise, I will think about what I really want from her. I will think about whether I'm saying I don’t want to date her because I really don’t or because of my warped view. If it is because of how I thought, then I can work on fixing things with her. But if it’s because I don’t see myself ever dating her, I need to end things with her. I know she wants to date me, and I don’t want to lead her on if I know we will never end up together.”
Mum reaches over and cups my cheek with her hand, stroking under my eye with her thumb. “You’re a good boy, Lee. This girl, or the next one, will be lucky to have you,” Mum says, before leaning forward and placing a light kiss on my cheek. Without any more discussion, she gets up and begins making a hot drink for herself and Dad. I decline and head back upstairs to my room. I have a lot to think about. I’ve been thinking about things all wrong for all these years.
As soon as I’m in my room, I distract myself from my thoughts by playing one of my video games. I don’t play often, but when I do, I become fully immersed in the experience, which is exactly what I need to stop myself from thinking about Em. Why isn’t she texting me? Is she alright? Do I want a relationship with her? Should I walk away and never see her again?
Too many big questions to deal with, and so I allow myself to fall into the video game. I know I will have to deal with the questions eventually, but not today.
* * *
LEE
Hey, Em. How are you feeling this morning?
