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They might deserve it, but I won’t be the catalyst.
Gingerly, I slide myself away from Dez’s arms. His eyes pop open immediately, but he doesn’t say a word, doesn’t attempt to pull me back. His piercing gaze tracks me around the room until I’m out of sight in the living area, standing in front of the window and staring out at the grounds I have yet to explore.
I feel restless tonight.
I feel antsy.
Every time Dez makes me a promise, it’s like a candle being lit, but it’s only a matter of time before the flame dies and the wax is gone. A limited duration for the beauty. I’ve spent a lifetime waiting for the other shoe to drop; I’m an expert in being let down. Why should now be any different? I want it to be. More than anything, I want to be able to trust his promises. The past dictates that I can’t, though.
Shivering by the window, I notice the frost from winter has chosen tonight as the night to hit Odesa. I’ve always loved this season; the fresh snow is like new life forming.
“It’s too cold,” Dez’s rough voice says from behind as he moves around, the fireplace’s glow engulfing the room, and my reflection brightens in the window’s glare. The scarring of Dez’s name on my belly mocks me. I want to belong to him like he says, but can it ever really come to be?
Watching as the man moves in behind me, a blanket in his hand, he plasters his front to my back, inhaling at the nape of my neck as he wraps the cozy material around us both.
“Tell me what happened today,” he demands this time because Dez rarely asks for anything.
Blowing out a breath, my body begins to perspire as I lean back against him. “Jazzy was pretending to be my friend for a few months, but she never liked me. I didn’t care, though, because I got to sit with someone at lunch and during class.” My throat feels like it’s closing. “When you came up to me, when I was…entranced by your knife, she took her shot to get rid of me. She saw what I didn’t quite understand at the time, not until you brought me here, and she’s been spreading rumors about me ever since.”
I sense more than feel his anger. His breathing grows heavy, his chest heaves in and out, and the hold he has on my hips tightens painfully. “What did she do?” he grits out through what I’m sure is a clenched jaw.
“She told everyone I was a blood slut. So, they plotted and planned all week, and when I got to my locker at the end of the day…” I have to stop. I have to gather my strength because it wasn’t just humiliating, and if I’m honest with myself, some of what she said was true. I am fascinated with blood. “When I opened my locker, a bucket of blood poured down on me.” It wasn’t as terrible as I’d been anticipating, but embarrassing, nonetheless.
Turning me around, Dez’s eyes appear practically black. I bite my lip, waiting for him to do or say something. He drags one hand up my body, pushing my hair back and searching my face before pressing his head against mine.
“My father and uncles raped me as a boy.” A gasp tears from me at his confession, and tears flow unbidden down my cheeks. “Every day of my life, I wished them dead. I would create their torture in my mind until it was all I saw when I looked at them.” My heart breaks for the boy who endured such agony.
“Dez…” I don’t know what to say to him. I can’t imagine the betrayal he must feel.
“When you said I’d never see you naked, what I heard was that you would never be mine.” His jaw grinds as regret takes hold of my heart. “I had already convinced myself I wasn’t good enough for you—I’m still certain of that. But that was just my doubts talking until you said what you did.” I push away to look at him. He’s not trying to hurt me by pointing this out. I did say the words. “I killed my father and uncles that same day because even though I know I’ll never be the man who deserves to breathe the same air as you, it’s their fault, so I killed them in the home they abused me in and left their bodies to rot.”
“That’s why you weren’t here that day.” His head bobs quickly. “Why are you telling me this?”
Bending a little, Dez picks me up, our naked bodies meshing together as he carries me to the couch in front of the fireplace. Pulling the blanket out from behind him, he wraps it around me as I settle in his lap.
Never did I imagine I’d allow a man to see me naked, let alone be so comfortable with it. There’s something about Dez, however. I feel at ease with him, and I think it’s because our tortured souls call to each other.
He’s so quiet as he studies me. His hands move to brush through my thick hair, pushing it back off my face and cradling my head in his palms. “Because I need you to know that I understand I’m not good enough for you, but I can’t let you go, either. Not just because we’re branded but because I’ve come to realize how deeply I need you. You calm me, Liliya, in a way I didn’t think possible. I’ve felt rage my entire life, but with you, when you’re in my arms, I feel…everything.”
I think my heart sings. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and for the first time, it’s like I can inhale deeply and not feel suffocated by it.
Threading my fingers through his hair, I tug him forward and press my mouth to his, kissing him like I won’t survive another second without his touch, and I don’t think I will. I’m weightless as he takes control, turning us so I’m flat on my back, and he’s hovering over top of me. His hands score across my flesh as they caress my sides.
“Tomorrow, we will marry.” He groans into my neck as he thrusts between my legs, the small piercings along his length hitting the patch of nerves at the top of my slit and stealing every bit of air I try to take in. “Tomorrow, we’ll be each other’s firsts.” I don’t know how he restrains himself. Leaning up on his elbows, his eyes move down my body, scorching me with their intensity.
“I don’t have a dress,” I whisper, breathless.
“You’ll have everything you need.” That truth sparks his eyes. “Tomorrow, you’ll be mine.” I nod my head eagerly. I want that more than I thought possible. “But I need to know something,malen’ka ptashka…”
“Anything,” I gasp as he keeps rocking, pleasure rolling through me in undulating waves.
“What do you want for the future?” There’s a tick in his cheek and a pounding vein at his temple. He’s worried about my answer.
“I never thought about it.” Honesty is the only way to go here. “If I’m truthful, I didn’t think I had one until I was dragged here and sold to you.” I don’t say it to cause him pain, but I see the way he flinches like I’ve struck him. “Did you really think that was the only way to get me to see you again?”
His eyes dart to the fire briefly before slowly wandering back to me. “Yes.” The emotion in the single word conveys how true he believes it to be.
“I would have come to you.”Even after learning that he knew who my father was.“I felt a pull the second you stepped into my world. I might have been standoffish at first, but Dez, there’s this hole inside me that can’t be filled by anyone but you.”
