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That’s what it all boiled down to. I had spent a decade miserable, because I didn’t trust myself enough to leave, and I was scared I would do it all over again.
But I was sad right now. Sad because I didn’t have Michael and sad because I wasn’t a mom. Decisions I had made because they seemed less risky than the alternatives. That was a terrible choice.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to wallow in it for the next ten years. I could make a different choice, right now. Love wasn’t enough, I had told Michael. And I wasn’t wrong about that. Love wasn’t enough, on its own. But it was the basis for everything else. For everything that mattered.
I picked up the phone and called Michael. It went straight to voicemail. Disappointing, but I couldn’t expect him to pick up every time I called. He had people to save and whatnot. Before I could put my phone away, it rang. Sam’s name flashed on the screen.
Since Sam calling me, while not common, was not exactly rare, either, and usually involved planning a surprise for Suzie, I smiled as I answered. “Hey, Sam. How are things?”
I was greeted with silence. Ice slithered into my belly. “Sam? Is Suzie…?” Finishing that sentence hurt too much to even try.
He cleared his throat. “Michael’s missing. Suzie is…not okay. Can you come over? We’ll do pizza and movie night, and you and Suzie can…just make things feel more normal. Yeah?”
His words rattle around my brain, not making any sense at all. What did he mean, Michael was missing? “He can’t be missing. I just talked to him yesterday.”
“He went on a rescue. His team made it back, with two of the hikers. Michael and the third hiker are still missing.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing this to be a nightmare. When I opened them again, I was still in the kitchen, the phone was still pressed to my ear, and Michael was still missing.
“Can you come over?” Sam repeated.
I wanted to scream and break things. Instead, I said, “Yeah, Sam. I’m on my way.”
And then, somewhat desperately, I made one last phone call to Michael and left a voice message. “I love you. Now get off that damn mountain and get your ass to Suzie’s.”
When I arrived, Suzie was sitting cross-legged on the couch with her laptop balanced on her knees, torturing herself with facts on Mount Washington.
“He was looking for a group of hikers that were attempting the Presidential Range,” Suzie said without preamble. “They got stuck on Mount Washington in hurricane-force winds. When NPS called, they said not to panic, because the rescue team didn’t go out until after the storm had passed, but he’s been missing for three hours now. And right here, it says that Mount Washington is at this very minute the second coldest place on earth.”
I blinked, trying to process the unprocessable. “What’s the first?”
“Antarctica.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“But it’s New Hampshire,” I protested. “We’re not talking Everest here. Heck, Hart Mountain is taller than anything they have by a thousand feet!”
“Mount Washington is one of the most dangerous places in the world. It doesn’t have the elevation of Everest, but it does hold the world record for wind speed. It’s also crazy cold. The averageannualtemperature is twenty-seven degrees, and that includes months like August in the calculation. Michael is probably freezing his butt of in negative thirty temperatures right now.”
I flinched. I knew he could handle it, but I hated to imagine him miserable and cold. Alone. Thinking I didn’t love him, that I didn’t trust him. I drew my thighs to my chest and dropped my forehead on my knees.Why?Why had it taken me so long to figure out what I wanted? I loved him. I should have at least told him that much, when I had the chance.
Sam reappeared from the basement, where he had set up a movie for the kids, right as the doorbell rang with the pizza delivery. No one felt much like eating but Suzie managed a slice after Sam reminded her that starving herself was tantamount to starving Andy. She glared at him while she chewed, which he pointedly ignored.
“You should sleep here tonight,” Suzie said. “The National Park Service will call me with any updates. If you’re here, you’ll know when I know.”
That was generous of her, considering I had broken her beloved brother’s heart and now he was freezing his ass off on a mountain somewhere. I picked up my pizza, raised it to my mouth, and then put it down again without taking a bite. The thought of Michael starving on a mountain made me nauseous. I was a terrible person who didn’t deserve pizza.
“Are you sure you want me here?” I asked. “After…everything.”
“Nora. I want you here. You’re my friend, and it takes pressure off Sam. Michael is his best friend, you know? It’s hard for any of us to focus right now.” She tilted her head, her eyebrows arched. “Or do you mean it’s awkward for you? Being here, with me, after cruelly crushing my brother’s heart, waiting to hear if the love of your life fell off a mountain. That probably doesn’t feel very good.”
“No,” I said. “It doesn’t feel very good at all.”
“So you admit he’s the love of your life, then.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You’re torturing me to take your mind off how scared you are. Is it working?”
