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Intent on living, it was all I could do not to end up back at that apartment from last year, searching for the drugs that took away all my pain. I told myself I couldn’t do that again. That I’d been given this second chance with Lee and I couldn’t risk losing him.
I loved him, and I wouldn’t do that to him.
Instead, I found my way back to Lee’s apartment. I rushed between the closing elevator doors and pounded on the button to his floor until the blasted thing moved. Tugging my hair off my neck, I forced myself to breathe. To remember just to take it one day at a time.
Inside his apartment, I shed my purse and coat. Paced the length of the floor while I tried to figure out what to do next. Tried to remember what my therapist had said.
Make a list of things that you’d miss.
Lee. I’d miss Lee. And Mom and Dad. Jen. Chocolate mint ice cream. Coffee and all things cream cheese.
Take it one day at a time.
I was trying.
I was fucking trying.
Check in with family and friends.
Spinning on my heel, I raced back to my coat and grabbed my phone. There was a missed text from Lee. I pulled it open and collapsed to my knees on the floor as relief pulsed through me.
Lee: Miss you, baby. You planning on coming in? Need to hold you again.
I tapped out a message, pushing send before climbing to my feet and pacing once more.
Me: I need help.
I needed all the help. I needed Lee to hold me. To keep me from doing something I shouldn’t.
Engage in distractions.
Eyeing the apartment, I searched for something I could use. Lee didn’t have a television. He’d apologized before he turned on a movie on his laptop and curled up next to me in bed. We hadn’t watched more than half of it before he gave it up in favor of kissing every inch of my skin.
“Gah!” I let loose a short scream, trying to let my feelings out. Then my attention caught on the fridge.
There was still some food in there. I could focus on a snack. On preparing for something healthy to put in my body. Focus on the calming movements even if I wasn’t hungry.
Opening the doors, I peered inside and grabbed the first thing I saw—an apple. Then I rushed to the silverware drawer, yanking it open only for my attention to fall on the sharp knives Lee kept stored there. My fingers shook as I reached out and ran them over the handles. Scooping one up, I turned to the sink.
Crisscrossing my left wrist were scars from my attempts at taking my life. The first came after I killed a would-be rapist, after he shot the man who’d been doping me up with drugs and selling my body to his friends. The second attempt came during my first week at rehab. My third, not long after I’d gotten out of rehab the first time.
My therapist had given me the tools I needed to fight against those suicidal thoughts, but as I held that knife in my hand, the apple clutched in my palm didn’t seem as tempting as it was when I’d opened the fridge.
Lee will get over you. Look at what he could have without you here—that gorgeous woman with the perfect hair and the perfect skin and the perfect fucking body that you could never have. He could have her, whoever she was. He could have her if you weren’t here.
A cry scraped up my throat as the knife clattered to the floor and the apple tumbled to the counter, hitting my juice glass left over from breakfast before they both fell into the left side of the sink.
The sink.
Rushing back to the fridge, I grabbed the container of ice and stumbled back to the sink. I plugged the drain, started the faucet, then dumped the entire container into the cold water, cursing the thing for not filling faster. I tossed it aside, nearly slipped on the knife before kicking it across the slick floor. I pulled at my hair, my heartbeat pounding through my body as I watched and waited for the sink to finally be fucking full.
Then I took a deep breath and shoved my head as deep into the freezing water as I could stand.
Fifteen seconds. That’s what my therapist told me. Hold your breath for fifteen seconds while your face is submerged in freezing water. It was supposed to slow your heart rate. To pull you out of that cycle of thoughts. To reset your brain and calm you down.
All I felt was pain.
Icy, blistering pain.
