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I sank to the ground, hugging myself, rocking back and forth as I chanted the words in my head.
I’d spent my whole life saying there was a reason I was like this. I cut to get rid of the pain. I purged to get rid of the self-loathing. I took pills to numb myself.
And even if I’d called myself the villain, I’d used all those things as excuses for why I was.They’dbeen the cause.
But really…Iwas the villian. I was the onechoosingall of this. Choosing to stare into the mirror and hate myself. Over and over again.
I’d said I was tired of it. But what had I ever done to fix it?
Nothing. I hadn’t done anything.
And that stopped today. I pulled myself off the floor and grabbed my makeup bag, sliding out the razors I kept in a small side pocket. Staring at them for a second, I threw them into the toilet.
And then I flushed.
My scale was on the floor. I grabbed it and strode outside, and I threw it onto the hard concrete so it shattered into a million pieces. I grabbed a broom and cleaned it all up, the remnants going in the trash.
The model agency actually had a mental health program. You could get free sessions of counseling. I didn’t know if the therapists were good, but contacting them was a start. I filled out the form online and set up an appointment for two days from now.
I sat back on the couch, feeling a thrill of satisfaction. Because for the first time, I’d taken actual steps.
After getting dressed in some sweats, I ate. I cooked eggs and bacon and pancakes, and I ate every last bite. Until I was full.
Something I never did.
And it felt incredible.
I trailed my fork through the maple syrup Ari had gotten Miss Carlie to pick up since it was my favorite. And I thought about him.
Ari.
Everything he’d done. Everything that happened. Everything.
I knew what he’d done wasn’t normal. It didn’t fit into society’s idea of right and wrong.
But…had it really been that bad?
It had been over the top, crazy possessive.
But had it beenbad?
Would I have given Ari a chance–with Clark in my ear every second, hammering me withI love you’s, and guilt, and the familiar?
I wasn’t sure. Thinking about the scared ghost of a girl I’d been that day when Ari had walked into the restaurant, rearranging my entire life like a shooting star in the cosmos…I don’t know that I would have ever been brave enough to be with him.
The only reason we’d ended up together was because he’d been the brave one. Because he’d taken the steps that I couldn’t. Nothing he’d done had ever hurt me. It had just softened me, allowed me to accept what he was offering.
What was that saying,all’s well that ends well to end up with you.
I shook my head, because what I was thinking sounded crazy…and yet.
A knock sounded on the door and I sighed, dragging myself off the barstool to open it. Solicitors couldn’t get past the gates so guests were always at the door for an approved reason.
Through the glass I saw a professional-looking woman dressed in a sharp gray suit. I didn’t recognize her at all.
I opened the door.
“Hi,” she said warmly. “I’m Ashley Tenney, your divorce attorney. You hadn’t called, so I thought I would stop by. Mr. Lancaster had indicated time was of the essence when we’d talked.”
