AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I shook my head and sighed, slamming the visor up as the light turned green.
Thirty minutes later, I pulled into Ari’s garage. I guess, since it was a rental, it was going to be no one’s garage since he was leaving.
A hitched sob burst out of my mouth and I leaned forward, trying to push down the pain. Because I couldn’t handle it.
I froze then, realization sliding through me. That’s what I was always doing. I was always “pushing down the pain.” I’d always just told myself I couldn’t handle it.
But I washere, wasn’t I?
I mean, my father had killed my mother…and then himself, and I was stillhere. I’d lived in a group home and then been adopted by abusive, cold assholes. And I was stillhere. I’d cut and I’d purged and I’d wanted to die…and yet I was still…here.
I’d saved myself from a miserable life in New York. I’d done that. I’d come here and started a career. I’d been supporting myself. I’d let love in even when I was scared…
Cheater. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Pathetic.
The words sprang from inside of me…but this time, instead of just pushing them back down where they would fester and rise up another day, I really looked at them.
I looked at each word as I got out of the car and walked into the empty, sad house. I looked until I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at…myself.
Cheater. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Pathetic.
With trembling hands, I grabbed the lipstick tube I’d hastily used before running to the shoot. It was a hot, vibrant red, a coat of armor for the day, or so I’d thought.
Cheater. Fat. Ugly.
I etched each word into the mirror, every letter written out in fiery red.
Stupid. Pathetic.
I screamed.
Over and over, letting it all out, clawing at the ideas each of the words represented. I smeared the lipstick with my hands, my arms, until the words were nothing. Until they meant nothing.
No more. I wasn’t going to do this. Not ever again.
“Let’s get something perfectly fucking clear, sunshine. You didn’t cheat on Clark. You were never supposed to be with him. He was a fucking imposter, holding you back from your destiny. Clark wasn't your soulmate. You weren’t supposed to be with him. You were always supposed to be with me.”
“I’m obsessed with you, crazy over you, in fact. I can’t stand to be apart from you for any length of time. So when you tell me you hate this perfect fucking body that I worship with every part of my fucking soul…well, we can’t have that, sunshine.”
“You’re perfect.”
Ari’s voice in my head clawed at the other words, drowning them out until all I could hear were his good ones.
I was gasping for breath as I stared at the aftermath of my fit, red smeared everywhere.
And then I laughed, the sound of it bubbling in the air around me, because I felt a little bit lighter. A little bit better…
I allowed myself to revel in the feeling for a few minutes…
And then I cleaned it all up, first the mirror, wiping away every red smear until it was sparkling and clean, not a mark of the words remaining.
Then I got undressed, stepping into the warm water of the shower. I cleaned myself, gently rubbing at the stains until they couldn’t be seen, allowing my hands to trail all over my body, taking in my skin, and my bones, and my curves.
Taking in me.
After I was completely clean, I stepped out of the shower, and stared into the mirror again at my now bare face. Water dropped in rivulets from my sopping wet hair, sliding down my body before they were caught in the towel I’d wrapped around myself.
“I’m perfect,” I whispered, trying the words out on my tongue. I’d said them with Ari before, but never by myself. Never like this. “I’m perfect. I’m perfect. I’m perfect. I'm perfect!” I screamed. And I heard his voice in my head, cheering me on, because the only thing he’d ever wanted from me…was to be happy.
