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‘Fair enough, I totally get that there’s like shit-all chance of most people making it. But, still, I’ve found it hard, literally not having a reason to get out of bed, beyond scoring some draw or getting through the next level of Oblivion.’ I feel a sinking dread of the fug of stale smoke and bedclothes that has been my life in the past few months.
‘How much less misery and disappointment would there be if people just took from the moment without expectations? At least among those with enough to eat?’
‘Hmm, very Buddhist,’ I say, not convinced.
‘It’s not fucking Buddhist. It’s fucking life.’ Jez grabs my stick and jabs at the fire, sending the frying pan wobbling.
‘Watch it!’ I steady the pan with my sleeve over my hand.
She pulls back, traces patterns with the stick in the hardened sand.
Fuck it, I’m so not arguing with her in this mood. I give the sausages a turn with a knife, start cutting up the French bread.
‘It’s how I’ve lived my life, at any rate,’ Jez starts, calmer now. ‘I used to play this game with my stuffed toy tiger, Zooey.’
‘Is it? I don’t have you down as a stuffed toy kind of gal.’
‘Best frigging friend I ever had. I’d spin round fast in the park, holding Zooey by the tail, then throw him and head off for whatever adventure that direction took us.’
‘Hmm, bit like Dice Man?’ I say, vaguely remembering some talk of a dude who lived by the throw of the dice. ‘So, did you find adventure?’
‘Sometimes.’ She shrugs. ‘I adopted a stray dog once. Spent all my sweet money on cans of Pal. Another time I found a wallet with a like porny photo in it. Thought about blackmailing the owner, until I got bored with the idea and binned the wallet.’
‘What happened to the dog?’ I’m finding it hard to keep a straight face.
‘Ran away,’ she says, matter of fact.
‘Rollercoaster adventure, then.’ I laugh.
‘It got better as I got older. It’s about being open to any chance experience.’
‘Well, I’m pretty open to the eating experience right now. So, I declare these sausages cooked!’
I chuck the sausages into the bread, hand one to Jez and start to lay into mine. A few minutes of total concentration.
‘So, where are you like right now, Jez?’ I ask as I surface.
She jerks round. ‘On the beach, right? Eating a sausage sandwich.’ She clamps her teeth around the bread.
‘Well, you haven’t exactly seemed all here this evening.’
She gives me her attempt at an ironic smile.
‘Hey, I’m not all insensitivity, is it?’
‘It kind of got me right worked up, with the whales I guess – that distress whistle…?’ She pauses for a deep sigh, flicks me a look.
I return her gaze, saying nothing.
‘I got into this dumb shit, talking to that whale on the beach, right?’ she carries on. ‘Told her I’d be back, but after all the kerfuffle with Aiden and everything, it didn’t, I didn’t… now I can’t let it go that I frigging left her there to die.’ She shivers before taking up her stick patterns again.
Weirdest, just like Aiden with the stick thing.
‘It upset you,’ I say, gently.
She glares at me.
‘As in it was upsetting,’ I babble on. ‘Knowing we couldn’t rescue them all. They seemed so, well, stoic I suppose?’
