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I nod.
‘You are such a stupid fuck, you know that?’ Ben rolls his eyes.
‘Tell me about it!’ I sink down the sofa.
‘Aw, come on, son, leave the boy alone.’ Rahim frowns his concern, making me feel actually OK to talk about it.
So, I start on a rant about how I literally can’t do anything right and everyone’s lining up to make that crystal clear and now I prove my total uselessness by making a pass at Fran, who I was pretty much brought up with. Plus, all my friends taking off for new lives at uni or whatever, leaving me with not a clue what I want to do.
‘Well, beating yourself up won’t help. You need a break, my friend.’ Rahim nods slowly.
‘That’s what Fran’s mum said. She even offered me their spare room. But I blew it, so now I’ll have to go back home, which…?’ I fade out, worried he’ll think I’m hinting. ‘Shit, I didn’t mean…?’
‘Any friend of Ben’s is welcome here. But there’s no spare room, as you know.’
Fuck, he does think I’m angling to stay.
‘You should proper get away, Geth.’ Ben leans forward to face me. ‘That’s what I’m doing when I’ve saved the money. I’m thinking Amsterdam…?’
Hmm, Amsterdam with Ben? It’d be a laugh, sitting in cafés getting high. But then he’d want to cruise the gay scene and I’d be the sad bastard stoned alone.
‘I have got some birthday money – keep forgetting to pay the frigging cheque in. But, hey…?’
‘Do it!’ Ben punches his thigh.
‘Where would I go?’ How pathetic do I sound?
Ben shakes his head. ‘I dunno, jump on a bus, see where it takes you? Find a sense of adventure, man.’
He darts a look at the clock – I can tell he’s losing patience. Maybe I should literally piss off into the sunset like he says. But the aimless loneliness of that frightens me to fuck.
Ben starts readying himself to go to work, asks if I want to go with him. ‘It’s their new LGBT night, you know you want to,’ he mocks.
‘Don’t wanna cramp your style, man.’ Feeling awkward with this banter in front of his dad.
‘It’s a right night whatever for a twink like me. Loadsa tips.’ Ben winks, looking pleased with himself.
Rahim frowns. ‘Mind you watch out with them queens, Behnam.’
‘Dad!’ Ben sighs. ‘I can look after myself.’
Rahim nods, runs his finger down his sharp thin nose. ‘I don’t want you to think I’m anti-gay. God knows I have seen enough bigotry.’ He looks towards me with his heavy hooded eyes.
I try to hold his gaze, in awe of what he must have been through, even that he’s mentioned it.
‘There are men take advantage, straight or gay,’ he carries on. ‘So, I’m wanting Behnam to look out for himself, same as I did with his sister.’
‘As in, plenty of Trolls all round, init?’ I look at Ben.
Ben does theatrical raising of eyebrows. Is he saying I’m no better because I tried to jump Fran? Wasn’t that just misreading the signs?
‘Well I’m going to get my protected butt down there.’ Ben kicks his skinny legs in the air before standing up. ‘I’ve got time for a drink, if you’re coming.’
The horizon’s still bright as we walk along the side of the park into town – smells of mown grass mixed with traffic fumes and the whiff of rotting rubbish. I put my hand in my pocket to feel Gran and Granddad’s card and trace the edge of the cheque and the letter from Don next to it. I think about Ben’s idea that I should take off somewhere. The smallest shiver of excitement. What have I got to lose?
We turn the corner to go into town and Ben looks at me.
‘Hey, our Gethin gone so quiet. Are you all right?’
