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I look at the photo: Gethin, Ben, Francesca, Emily, a couple of others. Red eyed and wasted at some underground music night, pointing peace-signs at the camera. ‘Well, you’re having a good time, by the looks of it.’
‘Aw, you’re not printing that?’ He holds his head in his hands.
‘It’s not as if you’re murdering babies, is it?’
He shrugs. ‘You could like scan this, if you want.’ He pulls a photo out of his wallet.
It’s the picture of Don that came with the letter. It sends a shock wave through me, seeing it again, those eyes so like Gethin’s.
‘Did I tell you I took a photo of him on my phone? He went ape-shit, so Jez deleted it.’ He bats the picture against his hand.
‘I do hope he agrees to see you again,’ I say, suddenly hit by the hurt of it all for Gethin.
‘Jez rang to tell him I was OK. Apparently, he might write to me.’ He places the photo in the middle of the landscape picture. ‘That’s how I see him, as in right at the centre of that awesome place.’
I look at the picture of Don again. So strange to put a face to the other half of Gethin’s genes. And I thought it was all about me.
‘Do you think you would have liked a father involved in your upbringing? I mean, I know other lesbian mothers with donors that were very present. Was I selfish to deny you that?’
He takes a drink and wets his lips as he thinks. Then he looks me straight in the eye. ‘I’ve thought about it, while I was up there. You know, if I could have used a “Rail Mole Model”.’
I smile and wait for him to carry on.
‘But, in the end, I never knew any different, did I? So, I can’t say I actually missed it. And there are literally plenty of guys that make useless fathers, so why would I have wanted that?’
‘I suppose my main concern was that you would feel a stigma from having a lesbian mother,’ I start.
‘So not an issue, Mum.’
‘I know, you say that, but I remember the head-teacher when you first started school, saying, “Oh, don’t worry, we have all sorts here, prisoners’ children and everything.”’
Gethin snorts his laughter. ‘You are joking me.’
I shake my head. ‘When you think, Gethin, the age of consent was still not equal for gay men, and Section 28 was still the law. Now we have a Conservative government legalising gay marriage.’
‘Yeah, things have changed a bit. My generation are like more accepting of difference. The way we see it, there’s just like a continuum of sexuality, sexual identity. Literally, we don’t care who anyone is, where they’re from, all that.’
‘Still, I should have thought more about your need for some kind of father figure.’ The familiar lurch of regret.
‘Mum, we can’t go back and start again, can we? Cut it out with the bloody guilt-fest.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m over-reacting.’ I sound so pathetic.
He takes a breath. ‘You seriously need to chill out, Mum.’ He drains his glass, takes the bottle to top us up. ‘Come on, bottoms up, isn’t it?’
I do as I’m told, pass him my empty, then fetch the photo of Gethin and his friends from the printer. They seem so innocent, the way they pile together like that, confident in their new-found righteousness. And now I’m presented with this growing up Gethin, this sharing of wine and talking as equals. It’s a struggle to keep up, but I’m glimpsing a future relationship beckoning. It’s up to me really, not to blow it.
Gethin watches the play of light on his glass as he twiddles it in his fingers. ‘For the record, Mum,’ he says eventually, ‘I am genuinely glad to have found Don, to have put a face to that half of me. He did let me in for a couple of hours, he did actually give me that. And I hope I do see him again, go back to Lochgillan, all that.’ He pauses to take a sip of wine. ‘But no way do I feel I need him. Never did, why would I now?’
‘Perhaps it was good that Karen pushed for your right to know who he was.’
He nods. ‘You should have her round some time. As in I could quiz her on what Don was like when she knew him.’
I smile at the idea. ‘I’m sure she’d enjoy giving you the low-down.’
‘I’ll tell you what, though, I am totally loving Scotland. Not just the landscape, but, you know, the people, with the referendum and all that, there is so much energy, a sense that change is possible?’
‘Interesting time to be there, though I have my doubts about Scottish independence. Mostly I don’t fancy the idea of what we’ll be left with in Runt UK or whatever.’
