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“No.” I feel flustered. “I guess, maybe. If you aren’t ready to say it, I get that, and I wouldn’t want to force it, but if you’re saying that’s all it can ever be between us, that you can’t offer me more than . . .” I don’t finish the sentence. I don’t want to finish it.
She slowly sinks down into the couch, tears falling down her cheeks now. “So I was right? You’re making me choose? It’s either what you want or nothing?”
I hang my head. I feel like an asshole. Fuck it, Iaman asshole, but I won’t wait around to get my heart broken again. Here I go again, pulling the rug out from under myself because I’m a coward.
“No, because I won’t ask a mother to choose between what’s right for her kid and what I need. I’ll never ask you to choose between Chloe and me. It’s my issue. I’m not strong enough. I’ll make it easier on you, Jules. You don’t have to make a choice at all.”
I turn and walk to the front door, grabbing my holster and keys and walking out to my car to drive home.
21
JULIETTE
Icrawl into my bed, my head pounding from the amount of crying I’ve done in the last hour. I just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to a new day, even though I know it won’t solve my problems.
When the sun rises the next morning, I’m already awake. I stare at the ceiling, regretting everything I said last night. I was scared, plus I was angry at Caleb for showing up, and angry that Alex took the choice away from me to choose him.
I want a life with Alex. I love him. But I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared of it being too much—that he’ll walk away like he did last night. I’m scared of Chloe getting hurt, but I know that shielding her from having her father in her life and the love that Alex could show her wouldn’t be fair either.
“Mom? You awake?”
“Hey, sweetie.” I sit up and open my arms as Chloe walks into my room and crawls into bed.
“Where’s Alex?”
“He went home last night.”
“Is he coming back?”
I hesitate. I’m not sure if he is. “Well, I think his stuff is still here, so he’ll at least return for that. Why?”
“I heard you guys fighting last night. Are you mad at him?”
“Oh, Chlo.” I kiss her head as she cuddles up next to me. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that. Mommy just got upset and I raised my voice when I shouldn’t have.”
“Were you mean to him? Is that why he left?”
I laugh, a single tear falling. “I was a little mean to him, yes.”
“Why? I thought you loved him.” Her big eyes stare straight through me.
“I do love him,” I say for the first time out loud. “We just had a disagreement. Adult stuff. I’m just scared, is all.”
“What are you scared about?”
“I just want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy and feel loved. I didn’t have both parents growing up, and it made me really sad. I’ve always felt guilty that you don’t have both parents, either. Do you ever think about that?”
She shrugs. “Sometimes, but there are other kids at school who only have a dad or have two dads or four parents.”
“How would you feel about your dad coming back into your life?”
She tilts her head to look up at me. “Like moving in and stuff?”
“No,” I’m quick to shut down that idea. “Just on a trial basis. Maybe we could have him over for dinner and you could show him your telescope, talk about school.”
She furrows her brow, picking at the edge of the comforter on my bed. “I was hoping Alex was gonna be my dad.”
Shit.
