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“More like a fifth or sixth chance,” she says, reaching for me. “Hey, look at me.” I look down at her, her big eyes staring up at me. “Can we get back to what we were talking about before he showed up?”
I wrap my arms around her, resting my cheek on top of her head. “And what were we talking about exactly?”
“That you love me,” she says. I pick her up, her legs wrapping around me as I walk us back into the living room.
“I did say that, didn’t I?” I sit down with her in my lap.
“Did you mean it?”
“Of course I meant it.” I brush her hair away from her face. “What are you going to do about Caleb?” Her face drops when I change the subject again.
“I don’t know for sure. Why?”
“Because I think you should kick him to the curb.”
“Alex,” she slides off my lap, “it doesn’t work like that. He’s still her father.”
“No, he’s not. He bailed on her.”
“You’re right, he did, but he seems to be doing well and wants to actually try to be involved in her life. Why wouldn’t I want to give her that chance? You know what it’s like to grow up without a father.”
“Yeah, and I was just fine without him. I was better off being raised by a strong single mom than having a deadbeat dad break my heart over and over again.”
“I get that, but Caleb is making an effort to change, or so it seems. I’m not saying he’s going to be getting her every other weekend or that he’s a completely changed man now, but it feels pretty selfish to hold him back from her because of his past. The least I can do is give him a chance, and if he messes it up this time, that’s it.”
“And what about Chloe? She just has to risk getting her heart broken again?” I can feel my chest tighten. I know that a big part of my resistance to this is my fear of losing them to him. Will I just be pushed aside and replaced—forgotten? The same feeling I had when I found out Sierra was pregnant—only to realize almost seven months in that it wasn’t my baby—starts to make its way through my body.
“I don’t know, Alex.” Juliette’s frustration causes her voice to raise a little. “I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I also don’t expect you to understand. You’re not a parent. You seem to have gone out of your way to avoid responsibility, actually.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Sorry,” she shakes her head, “that was out of line. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Why can’t I understand just because I’m not a parent?”
“It’s not an insult.”
“Sure as shit sounds like one.”
“You’re taking it wrong. I just meant you don’t know the pain of wanting the best for your kid while also trying to protect them and do what’s right. It’s exhausting and there isn’t some handbook telling me what to do. I know that if she gets hurt or it falls apart, it’s on me.”
“I can understand that without being a parent, Jules. What I don’t understand is how you can just jump back in and trust him after crying to me about how he almost destroyed you.”
“Because it’s not about me, Alex. It’s about Chloe and what’s best for her, even if that means betraying my own feelings.Thatis what you cannot understand without being a parent.” Her face starts to grow red and her eyes line with tears. “And fuck you for throwing that back in my face. I’m not letting Caleb back into my lifeormy heart. I would simply be letting him have access to his daughter.”
“Fuck me, huh?” I laugh in anger. “That’s really nice, especially after expressing how I feel about you just minutes ago.”
“Seriously? So you’re going to use that to manipulate me now?” She scoffs, shaking her head. “Unbelievable. Can I just remind you that you’re the one who told me over and over that it was just physical between us . . . and then what? You just get to change the rules on me because it’s what you want? You expect me to keep my feelings to myself and not catch feelings for you, and then when you change your mind, I’m just supposed to do the same? You told me I don’t get to walk away from this. But have you ever considered what I want? What’s going on with me? My entire world has been chaos lately, and now when things seem to finally settle down, Caleb shows up and I’m just supposed to go with the flow and figure that out on my own while cultivating a relationship with you?”
I don’t know where this is coming from. It’s like the floodgates have opened and now we’re being fully honest with each other.
“Manipulate you with it? How the fuck am I doing that? I told you I loved you and I meant it. I even said you don’t have to say it back.”
“Because now it feels like I’m forced to make a decision that makes you happy or my daughter happy. It would be great if you were supportive in this, but you’re not. Instead of standing by my side, you’re throwing it in my face like I’m a bad mother for considering letting her father back into her life.”
“You’re not a bad mother, and I wouldn’t think that for a second. I’m sorry if it came across that way, but—” I rub my forehead, “I’m not going to stick around if you don’t want what I want. If you want things to just be casual between us, I get it and I don’t blame you, but it’s not going to work for me. I’m too far in it to act like it wouldn’t bother me.”
“So that was bullshit a little bit ago when you said, ‘It’s okay if you don’t say it back’?”
