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So what if they had to go back to their life? Wouldn't it be better to go back, knowing that there was more out there they could hope for? Wouldn’t it be better to have a sparkle of life and hope in their hearts, than to go back and fall into their routine without realizing they could have more?
"If I let myself go all in with Jacob, it will hurt to leave here," she said to her reflection. Her reflection stared back at her, and she heard the little voice inside her say, "So what? You've survived so much. You can handle whatever comes, but go live."
Right. Go live. She deserved it, and so did Annie.
She took a deep breath. She needed to talk to Jacob. Was it too late? Had she blown it?
Maybe.
But maybe not.
She wasn't even sure what she would say to him. But she knew she had to try.
Summoning her courage, her heart racing, she opened the bathroom door and stepped into the hall. She peeked in the gym, but he wasn't in bed, or anywhere in there. She walked down the hall and stood in the doorway to the great room. For a minute, she didn't see him anywhere, and panic started to hammer at her.
Then she saw him sitting on the couch. His forearms were braced on his thighs, and his head was down, resting in his palms. His shoulders were taut, and the energy rolling off him was tense and haunted. Her heart tightened. "Jacob?"
He didn't move.
She walked into the room. "Jacob? Are you all right?"
He jerked and sat up, his gaze shooting to hers. His eyes were wild and unfocused. "What? What's wrong?"
She held up her hands. "Nothing's wrong. Everything's okay."
He stared at her for a second, as if trying to process her presence, then understanding seemed to come into his face. He swore. "Sorry. I was thinking about something."
"I can see that." She could feel his pain, and she wondered what thoughts had had such a grip on him. "Can we talk for a minute?"
His face was stark, his eyes weary. "I'm not at my best right now. Tomorrow would be better."
She started to say "okay," to remember that he needed his space, but then something inside her told her not to walk away. "If I sit with you, would that feel okay to you?"
He looked at her for a long moment, saying nothing, but she could see he was thinking about it, genuinely considering her question. "It would," he said finally. He pointed to the chair across from him. "Have a seat."
"Can I sit on the couch? With you?"
He closed his eyes, and she felt his tension ratchet up. "Phoebe," he said, his voice rough. "You are free to be how you need to be. It's important that you understand I'll never ask you to be what you're not."
She kept standing, not wanting to sit on the couch without his permission, but unwilling to give up and sit across the room. "Thank you."
He opened his eyes to look at her, his face haunted. "But tonight didn't work for me," he said. "I can't play that game. Make love to you. Laugh with you. Bond with you. And then have you shut down like that. It's fine that you need to be like that, but it doesn't work for me."
Regret filled her, and she sat next to him. "I'm sorry about that."
"It's fine." He stiffened and started to get up to move away from her, but she caught his arm.
"Are you scared?" she asked. "Scared of what happens when I leave?"
He paused, halfway to his feet. He didn't answer.
"I'm scared," she said. "I'm scared I won't be able to go back to my life now that I know what it's like to be here with you and your family. So I shut you out. But then I realized that life is short. We both know that good things can end at any moment, no matter how careful you are." She paused. "I don't want to be careful anymore, Jacob. I want to feel alive, the way I feel when I'm with you."
He took a breath, then sat back down. He put his hand over hers, lightly holding her hand against his arm. "I feel better around you than I feel alone," he said, his voice raw. "I don't remember that ever happening before. People sometimes make my soul hurt. You don't. Even tonight. Lucas offered to stay here so I could go ride, because he could tell I was a mess, but I wanted to be here in the house. Where you were."
Her throat tightened. "To protect us?"
"Maybe. Part of it, for sure." He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. "But I also simply wanted to be near you. When we were in the barn together, I didn't have to talk or pretend I was okay. I could simply breathe in the peace that your nearness gives me."
