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He needed them?
Shit. He was in trouble.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Phoebe waited as long as she could.
She waited until the house had been quiet for a while, and she was sure Jacob had fallen asleep.
Careful not to wake Cupcake or Annie, she cracked the door of the bedroom and peered out into the hall. She didn't see Jacob anywhere, so she stepped out and scurried to the bathroom.
As she got ready for bed, guilt ate away at her.
She knew how she'd acted tonight. She'd seen the looks that the Harts had shared. No one had said anything, and she'd appreciated that they'd all focused on making Annie laugh and feel relaxed.
But she knew they'd noticed.
She hadn't missed the way that Lucas had looked at his brother with concern. Why? Because she'd been distant and cold.
She braced her hands on the sink and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She looked tired. Her mouth was pinched. There were bags under her eyes. She intentionally lowered her shoulders, surprised by how much she had pulled them up from tension.
"This isn't how you want to be, Phoebe," she said to herself, to her reflection. "You can't let fear turn you into a woman you don't want to be."
She'd fought so hard to find joy. To learn to let herself be happy. To live fully.
And yet, the first moment someone had shown her kindness, she'd shut down. She'd hurt him. She'd used fear to poison the gift that life had given her.
"What do you want?" she asked herself.
She waited, but there was no answer from inside. Just a void. She sighed, recognizing that feeling. When she'd first gone on the run, she'd been numb inside after being trapped in her marriage for so long. It had taken her a long time to let herself come back to life, to hear the voice of her heart.
And now…silence again.
What would she tell one of her students right now?
Phoebe would tell her to slow down, to ask what good things were trying to get through, that she was blocking. To listen for the answer. It might be faint. It might be distant. But to listen.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, focusing on finding that little spot of feeling good inside her heart. That little spot of happiness, deep inside. The unconditional happiness. The happiness that simply existed for no reason.
After a moment, she felt it. She felt that energy rise through her. She let herself smile, still carefully keeping her mind blank, except for the feeling of well-being.
"What thought fits that emotion?" she asked herself.
The image of Annie throwing herself into Jacob's arms popped into her head.
The feel of the wind whipping across her face as she rode earlier in the day.
The sounds of Jacob's laughter while they'd been playing in bed.
The feel of his arms around her, holding her like he was her guardian, there to keep her safe, and to let her grow at the same time.
She opened her eyes and looked at herself in the mirror. This time, there was a sparkle in her eye. The tension around her mouth had vanished, replaced by a half smile. Even her skin looked less pale. "Thank you," she whispered, to herself, to the universe, to whatever greater power had guided her from fear into this moment of feeling better.
Everything that had matched her good feeling centered around Jacob, and being here, in his home.
Which was why she'd freaked out. Because all of that was temporary.
But as she stood there, she realized that that was a poor reason to pull back. Protecting herself? From what? From feeling valued? Protected? Safe? Protected from remembering what it felt like to have a family around her? Protected from Annie getting a glimpse of what a family could be like?
