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Instead of replying, I heft the surprisingly heavy suitcase onto the conveyor belt.
‘I’ll go first.’ Chase tilts his head at the metal detector. ‘They always stop me because of Mike.’
And sure enough, after walking through without the beep, Chase is waved to the side by a TSA agent. ‘Sir, if you’ll step this way.’
He flashes her a smile. ‘Sure thing.’
The bag of bones in his hands hisses.
The agent’s long braids swish over her shoulder as her head swivels to check out my brother’s rear end as he walks past her to the pat-down section. Not looking at me, she waves me forward. ‘Next.’
After walking through, I reach to grab our bags, but only the pet carrier is waiting for me. No suitcase. Frowning, I look back down the belt.
‘Sir?’ the security officer manning the X-ray machine asks.
‘My bag isn’t here.’
‘Ah, yes.’ His nostrils flare like he’s trying to hold back laughter and points to a separate table where the bag in question is laid out. Directly behind where Chase is busy being frisked, the nautical-themed cat held up over his head with his feline private business on full display.
A different security officer approaches me. ‘If you’ll come this way?’ He waves me forward toward the hairless cat circus and the penis party favors.
‘No.’
‘No?’ The officer’s hands drop, his frown indicating that he’s probably never been told no before.
I stare hard into his eyes, wondering what he’ll do if I continue to refuse to cooperate. If I simply state that the bag in question is not mine.
He shifts on his feet but doesn’t back down. ‘Sir?’
I’m about to throw my brother under the bus and inform the officer that the bag in question is his when I glance over and see a very dedicated TSA agent pat my brother’s backside with the back of her hands. She doesn’t look like she’ll be done with the search anytime soon.
And we have a plane to catch and penis favors to bring to my parentless sister-in-law’s bachelorette party.
God damn it.
I straighten, preparing myself for public evisceration. ‘Lead the way.’
My lone consolation is that I spared an employee this embarrassment. Alice may have transformed from polite to disgruntled when I overheard her voice from my adjoining office and interrupted my brother trying to plan penis-related things on company time, but she was smart enough to get out of there before Chase foisted this unsavory wedding task on her.
Although, she probably would’ve been smart enough to check the bag.
Nodding, the TSA agent walks me over to a different agent – one who is now elbow deep in dildos. ‘Sir, is this your bag?’
Several people exiting security, including the elderly woman from before, stop and stare. I remind myself that I love my brother.
‘Yes.’ I say between clenched teeth. ‘This is my bag.’
Flushed and slightly out of breath, Chase comes up beside me, his cat under his arm like a football. ‘What’s the problem?’
As if the tableau before him is not answer enough to his question.
The agent’s face turns red. ‘Um, something in here is vibrating.’
‘They vibrate?’ My brother looks at me. ‘Cool. I thought they were just standard dildos.’
I pinch the bridge of my nose and imagine myself somewhere else. Anywhere else.
The TSA agent riffles deeper. ‘Here!’ Triumphant, he lifts the buzzing vibrator in the air like an Olympic torch. It’s easily two feet long. Something like confetti erupts from the bag along with the dildo.
