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‘Freddie,’ he began, not knowing what he was even going to say to her.
‘I’m tired. And I am...not a nice man when I’m tired, as you should know by now. Perhaps we should have this conversation when I am less so.’
‘I don’t need you to be nice.’ Her dark gaze looked into him, seeing him. ‘Because I’m not very nice either. I killed a man, remember?’
‘Freddie...’
One corner of her mouth quirked in a charming half smile that nearly stopped his breath. ‘You don’t need to be afraid of me, Augustine. I’m not that scary.’
Something twisted in his chest, something that made him want to pull her close, kiss that adorable mouth, crush it beneath his and then take her so that the only words she’d be saying were ‘more’ and ‘please’ and ‘harder, sir’.
But that would be dishonest of him and unfair. She wasn’t asking for much, only the truth.
He let out a breath. ‘You’re right, I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone, but you...’
Her hand landed on his chest, a gentle touch. ‘Me what?’
He met her dark gaze. ‘You are going to be my wife. You are going to be the mother of my child. And you both...deserve better than what I can give you.’
‘You’re making me a queen, Augustine. I’m not sure how much better you could give me.’
‘A whole man,’ he said starkly. ‘That’s what you deserve. And I am very far from whole.’
Her expression softened and somehow it hurt. ‘Ah,’ she murmured softly. ‘So that’s what this is about. I wondered.’
‘You don’t know what the injury did to me.’ He lifted his hand over hers and held it on his chest, needing her touch despite everything he told himself about distance. ‘I had to learn how to do even the most basic tasks all over again. I had to learn to walk, learn to talk, to feed myself. And... I was not the same man I’d been. I have no patience now. I lose my temper easily. I’m much...darker than I was.’
‘But I didn’t know the man you were back then. I only know you now. And I don’t find that man dark or angry. Impatient, yes, and unhappy, maybe, but not dark.’
He smiled, but it was more a baring of teeth than anything else. ‘That’s because I try to hide those parts of myself from you, Freddie.’
Her palm was warm against his chest. ‘You don’t hide them as well as you think you do. In fact, if I’m going to be your wife, you shouldn’t hide them at all. I don’t want you to.’ Her eyes were so dark, like warm black velvet. ‘You know the worst parts of me. I have a temper too. I was angry when I pulled the trigger on Aaron. I was furious with him and I was furious with my mother. I was furious at both of them for putting me in that position.’
He let out a breath and shook his head. ‘I know. But you’re not the king. Those parts of myself have to stay hidden precisely because of who I am. No one wants a king who can’t control his emotions.’
‘Is that what your father said?’
Irritation coiled inside him. Why did she keep bringing his father into it? Very conscious of staying gentle, he lifted her hand off his chest and took a few steps back, needing some distance. ‘He’s got nothing to do with this. It’s self-evident.’
She didn’t move. ‘He does have something to do with this. He set some very high standards for you, Augustine.’
‘What? Being able to read and write and stay in command of myself?’ He couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, burning like acid. ‘What’s so high about that? A child could do it.’ He left unsaid the fact that he couldn’t, but he could hear the words echoing between them as if he actually had said them.
Freddie just stood there, and no doubt she could hear those unsaid words as loud as he, and suddenly he didn’t want to be here anymore. He didn’t want to be in this room with her, because his temper was so short and there was a pressure in his head. He didn’t want to be here while she was looking at him, seeing exactly the kind of broken man he was deep inside.
‘What are you so afraid of?’ she asked. ‘You’re a good king, Augustine. You know that, don’t you?’
All his muscles were tight, his shoulders, his neck, his spine. He ached. ‘I’m a mediocre king doing the bare minimum, which is all I’ll ever manage.’ He knew he sounded harsh, but he didn’t bother to moderate his tone. ‘Which is all I’ll be able to spare for you and the child too.’
Her expression softened, her eyes full of an awful, painful compassion. ‘Augustine, no. You can’t believe that—’
‘I told you I don’t want to talk about this anymore,’ he snapped and then, because he was angry and he wanted some of the power back, he took a step towards her. Then another, and another. Slowly backing her up to the desk, until she was pressed against it.
Her expression didn’t change, still so full of compassion and sympathy, he wanted to shout. But she was also warm and her scent was all around him, and there was only one way he knew of to wipe it off her face, and to get rid of that terrible vulnerability he was feeling.
He put his hands on her hips and gripped her tight, pressing his rapidly hardening groin against her. ‘I’d much rather do this instead.’
CHAPTER TEN
