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My heart is in my throat and my lunch threatens to make a surprise appearance.
Ryan stands and glares at the host who is nervously looking around, trying to figure out how to save the interview he’s botched.
“We’re done here,” Ryan says as he snatches the wireless microphone from his collar and tosses it into his now-empty seat.
When he is out of view Bill looks back to the camera, sweat beading on his forehead. “Well, folks, looks like I’ve struck a chord with our testy rock star. Let’s take a quick breather, we’ll be back with the Chaotix frontman after the break.”
The video fades to black and I hand the phone back to Kate.
“He never went back on. They had to pull Gareth in to finish the interview.”
???
“Have you heard from him?” Alyssa asks, pouring some chilled Riesling into my glass.
I shake my head. “No, but I don’t expect to. We didn’t exactly leave off on the best of terms. And it’s not like I have his number, I never needed it.”
She takes a seat beside me on the couch and pulls her legs up, tucking them underneath her. “Don’t you think maybe you owe each other a conversation? I mean, after watching that interview… maybe his feelings aren’t as cut and dry as you think.”
I can’t afford to think like that, not after everything that’s happened. I can’t afford to spend my time playing the what-if game. I’ve been handed a lifeline at work, and if I don’t hang on to it with everything I have? I might as well hand in my letter of resignation.
“Can we talk about something else, please?” I ask her, pressing the glass to my lips and finishing off the cool liquid. “I can’t think about him anymore. It’s—“
“Painful?” she interrupts. “Don’t you think that means something, Jules?”
I stare at the wall, trying to swallow down the burning sensation creeping up my throat. It always does this. Right before the tears come.
“Of course, it’s fucking painful, Lys. What do you expect? I met this incredibly sexy man who rocked my world in every single way possible, and he just so happened to be the one man I couldn’t touch. I tried, I really tried not to want him. He just—He’s just—God I can’t even explain it! It wasn’t even just the physical stuff. The way he looked at me, spoke to me, the way he protected me.”
My lip quivers. It’s the first time I’m admitting any of this out loud and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my body. Every moment replays in my mind. From the first night, we met to the day the elevator closed between us.
“Babe, you’ve got to talk to him. What if he is just as torn up about this as you are?” Her eyes sparkle with the tiniest hint of tears. Her heart is breaking for me, and it makes it impossible to hold mine in any longer.
“I can’t hinge my life on a what-if!” I set the empty glass down on the coffee table and wipe my eyes. “What if he doesn’t want me? What if all I am to him is a challenge and a good time? What do I possibly have to offer someone like him? He has it all, Lys. He could have anyone he wants. Why would he ever choose me? Not to mention, just making the decision to talk to him could cost me what’s left of my career. And if it ends up being for nothing? How do I live with that?”
She ponders my words.
“And what if you’re wrong? What if he feels the same way you do? What if you never find out and end up regretting it for the rest of your life? How do you live with that?”
Chapter Forty-Eight
Juliet
The next several weeks go by in a blur. I keep my head down at work and try to avoid Alyssa’s constant questions about Ryan. Deep down I know she’s right, but it’s also too hard to admit out loud that I’m not okay with how things left off between us.
I’m not okay with the unknown.
The problem is I have no clue what to do about it.
I can’t exactly call him. The moment we realized we hadn’t exchanged numbers was also the moment we realized our secret romance wasn’t so secret anymore.
I also can’t reach out to Olivia and ask her for his number because that would be extremely inappropriate.
With every week that passes, it becomes harder and harder to let go.
The front door opens and closes and I hear my roommate set her things down on the counter.
“Jules?” she calls from the kitchen.
