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I step inside and he follows me, holding the door open with his boot.
“Jesus, Ryan! I have to go!” I yell out, and he clenches his jaw.
“No, you need to fucking talk to me.”
I drop my bag and throw my hands up. “So what, Ryan? Fuck my career, right? Who cares if everyone thinks I slept my way to the top, right? I mean, who the hell cares if I can never work another day in the industry that I love because I get to be with a rock star? I’ll just follow you around until you get bored and then what? Watch as you fuck a new girl in every area code? Then what?”
He’s speechless.
“Because you will. Get bored. You’ll get tired of having the same girl every night. You’ll miss the days when you got to pull the pretty girls backstage after the show with the other guys. You’ll miss the thrill of the chase. And then what happens to me? I just go home with nothing and cry every time I hear your stupid songs come on the radio. I don’t think so. I need more than that, I deserve more than that. You want to say these things and make all these grand promises today, but what happens when you regret them? What happens when you realize that you aren’t ready to be a one-woman man? If you don’t let me go and I stay here, I lose the chance at ever salvaging what remains of my career. That means if you wake up one day and realize this isn’t what you want, I’ll have nothing left. Can you live with that?”
Our eyes remain locked on one another for what feels like a lifetime. In reality, it’s only a few seconds. He’s the first to break contact. His eyes drop to the floor, and when he moves his boot the door begins to close.
I hold my breath and don’t release it until I feel the elevator moving beneath my feet.
That’s when I let the tears fall. The pain that pulsates inside me is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It feels like a hole has been punched straight through me. When he let me go he validated that everything I said was the truth, but having it confirmed hurt like hell.
Chapter Forty-Five
Juliet
Silence hangs in the air as the SUV weaves in and out of traffic. I chew on my bottom lip and stare out the window, unsure if she’s waiting on me to speak first or if she doesn’t want to speak at all.
Olivia clears her throat, and I let my hollow eyes meet hers.
“How long?”
Her tone is clipped.
I contemplate the best way to answer the question, but at this point starting from the beginning seems to make the most sense.
“I met him before the meeting, at a concert. My roommate dragged me there and we were invited backstage to meet the band. It wasn’t my scene, but I did it for her. Ryan approached me and I ended up giving my professional opinion knowing damn well I was no expert in the field. I left out that I was barely considered more than an intern. I never thought I’d see him again, and I had a bit of fun with it. When you showed up at my office it seemed like a cosmic joke, but he planned it. He tracked me down and made sure my firm was one you considered.”
Olivia leans back and lets out a breath.
“You must have made quite the impression.”
I say nothing at first, but she gestures for me to continue.
“When the pitch went well no one was more shocked than me, well, maybe excluding Valerie. She’s been praying I’d screw up since they hired me. All I wanted was to prove myself. To prove that even though meeting him was the reason I got the shot, I still managed to land the job on my own. That it was my talent that made you pick me and not because the lead singer had some weird interest in me. Slowly it became apparent that you did see my contributions as real, and that this was the opportunity of a lifetime for someone like me. Sure, we’d had a few moments... but nothing beyond that. I told him I would never cross that line. I told him that my career was everything to me and that no man was worth risking everything I’d worked so hard for. Even if that man is Ryan Knox.”
His name on my tongue feels strange now. And thinking of him sends a flood of emotions over me like a tidal wave. Olivia’s attention is completely on me, and she’s letting me explain with an expression that gives nothing away about how she feels.
“I stuck by it, for a while. I wish I could put the blame on him but I can’t. I was drawn to him and no matter how forbidden it was, I couldn’t resist. I also wish I could say it was purely physical, but it wasn’t. It was wrong and I understand that. I understand the position I put you in, the position we put everyone in. If I could take away the problems I’ve caused I would, but it wouldn’t be honest for me to say I would take back what happened with Ryan. The truth is I think I would do it again.”
She seems to think hard about my words, carefully calculating what to say next.
“Are you in love with him?” she asks, and it isn’t a lie when I shrug my shoulders.
“Can you be in love with someone you’ve only known for a few months? Someone you were only able to touch behind closed doors? I don’t know how to answer that. What I do know is that I developed feelings for him that feel complicated and scary. I know that those feelings made me make decisions that I never thought I would. Beyond that, I just don’t know. It doesn’t matter, though. He’s on an entirely different wavelength, and I don’t see how that could ever change. And when I left today he seemed to agree with that sentiment.”
When her hand rests on my knee it takes everything inside me not to cry again. It’s such a small gesture, but the comfort it brings means more than she will ever know.
“Juliet, I can’t say I’m okay with how things happened. This world we live in is a messy one, and I can’t blame you for getting caught up in it. Your instinct is good, and I never would have agreed to bring you on if I didn’t have faith in you. Bottom line is, your presence as a professional is no longer what is best for the band. If I could change that, believe me, I would. The last thing I want is to bring in Valerie, but my hands are tied.”
Unable to meet her eyes I nod, “I understand.”
“I’ve known Ryan for a while now, and I know that underneath the rock star, there is a good man who cares deeply for the people in his circle. That being said, he is still a celebrity. That means a scandal like this doesn’t hurt him the same way it does you, but I think you know that. What’s best for his image is to be seen as available yet unattainable, and a headline like this does little more than fuel the fires that burn for him across the world. On the other side of the coin, it will brand you like a hot iron. You crossed a professional line and called your ethics into question. In a business like this? That can’t happen. Right now the best thing you can do for your career is put time and distance between you and what happened on this tour. You’re young, and you still have a shot at becoming great. Don’t let this define you.”
