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Probably always would be.
She knew from experience that those feelings would never completely go away, but they would fade enough that she could function. With Christian by her side, she also knew she would more than function, eventually she would thrive, and experience happiness and peace in a way she never had before. Then these days would be just dark memories and pale scars.
Lila just didn’t know how to get to that place.
Overwhelmed, she locked her gaze onto Christian’s, silently begging him to tell her what she needed.
His caress of her cheeks never stopped as if he knew maintaining physical contact was important. “We’ll make an appointment for you to see someone tomorrow. You know Piper is Prey’s on-staff psychiatrist. If you want you can talk to her, I’m sure she’d be happy to see you.”
“No. Piper and Arrow are part of your family, part of my family now, and I don’t want to do anything to muddy that. I want Piper to be my friend, not my shrink.”
“Then I know someone you can see. Arrow and then the rest of us decided not to see Piper after we were held captive in Somalia. Arrow had already fallen for her, and when she told him she wouldn’t date him because he was a patient, he fixed that real quick.” He threw her one of his easy-going grins, and Lila felt a small part of herself relax.
“Then definitely not Piper. But … I think maybe I should talk to someone.” She hesitated, then decided she may as well just say it. “Maybe it would be good for you too. I don’t think you’ve dealt with what happened to you as a child and given what I’ve just been through—what we’ve both been through—I think maybe we both need it.”
Christian’s entire body tensed, and for a second his thumbs ceased smoothing across her skin. He dragged in a slow breath, and she could see his internal struggle. His alpha side likely rebelled at the notion that he needed to talk to a shrink while his practical side likely knew that he needed to work through it to finally heal.
Wounds like theirs didn’t heal easily, and they left behind jagged, messy scars, but she was determined that they would fight their way through this.
Side by side there wasn’t anything they couldn’t do.
“Please,” she whispered.
His gaze softened, and he leaned in to feather his lips across hers. “Okay.”
“I want you to do it for you, not for me.” The only way to heal was to want to for yourself. If he did it only for her and the baby then she was afraid it wouldn’t work, and some day he would be consumed by his past.
“I want it for all of us. For our family.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m so proud of you, honey. Do you know that? Look at you, everything that you’ve been through, and there you are worrying about me. You’re so strong. So strong,” he murmured again.
Tears blurred her vision. “I don’t feel strong. I feel one gentle breeze away from being knocked down. If I get knocked down, I’m scared I won’t be able to get back up,” she admitted.
His torment at not being able to fix this for her was evident in his beautiful forest green eyes. Against the sides of her head, where he still framed her face, his fingers curled into fists, further indicating his helpless frustration. “You’re killing me, baby. You won’t fall, I won’t let you fall, and if you stumble the only place you’ll land is in my arms.”
Leaning forward, Lila rested her forehead on his. “I love you so much. I hope you know that. I just feel so … out of control.”
“What is making you feel the most out of control right now?”
She hesitated briefly. “Sex,” she mumbled, embarrassed. “We’re just at the beginning of our relationship. You’ll expect sex … what if I can't give it to you?”
Christian growled. “I'm not with you for sex.”
His impassioned plea made her smile. Placing her hands on his cheeks, she stroked his cheekbones with her thumbs as he’d been doing to her. “I didn't mean it like that. I want to have a sexual relationship with you, I want our relationship to be normal, I want to give you everything. I’m just scared I won't be able to. I'm scared I’ll let you down.”
“Baby, you can't ever let me down, don’t you know that?”
“I know.”
“It will happen in time.”
“I want it to be now.”
“What can I do to help?”
“I don’t … can I touch you?”
