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I open my eyes, instantly aware of the sound of her breathing. Soft and steady, that sound fills my ears and my universe. I open my eyes to see her face only inches from mine. She's still asleep, her long lashes like fans across her pale cheeks. A hint of pink kisses her cheekbones and her lips curve into a slight smile as if she’s having good dreams.
As I study her, I admire her red hair spread across the pillow like a fiery halo, the few freckles that dot her face, the delicate shape of her straight nose. She’s incredibly beautiful, and she’s in my bed, my life, my arms.
I smile and pull her closer, loving the feeling of her body against mine. She stirs, snuggling into my chest with a small, contented sound. There's nowhere in the world I'd rather be than right next to her as I inhale her scent. She smells like vanilla and roses, like sweetness and love, and I kiss the top of her head feeling like the luckiest man alive.
I think I might be in love with her. The thought comes unbidden to my mind as I hold her in my arms. I can feel her heart beating against my chest in time with mine. Everything about this moment feels perfect and I want her to be with me always. Waking up next to her every morning would be the best gift I’ve ever received. I have no doubt we could be happy together, now and moving forward.
There's just something so easy about being with her, like we fit seamlessly into one another's lives and amplify all the best parts.
But is that what she wants too?
I'm not really sure. She seems like she is against the idea of commitment and more in this to have fun. Which I don’t hold against her, it just might make us a little tougher to label and agree on.
We've never really discussed what this is between us, where we're going, or what we want our lives to look like. I know that she doesn't want to get married. I know that we’ve both rejected labels except when it suits us, but we’ve never said the words. We haven't defined what this is we’re doing. And usually that would be just fine with me. But in this instance, when I want something more than casual, that thought troubles me.
I want to say the words to her, to hear them out loud, to feel them with my tongue, but I don't think now is the time. I don't want her to feel pressured to have to say something back. I don't want to make things awkward between us. I don't know if she is ready to take things to the next step.
That thought makes my chest ache a little bit. I want to believe that she's ready for something more, but I know that she's not like me; she doesn't want to get married, she doesn't plan to have kids. The question is, can I live without those things if it means that I have her?
I feel a pang of disappointment and fear. It's as if the whole inside of me is torn between the two options, having her or having what I've been dreaming about for more years than I can count. If I walk away because she won't give me children and marriage, will I regret that choice for the rest of my life? But if I stay with her knowing that she can't give me those things, will I also regret that decision?
With those questions circling my head like sharks, I try to find answers but come up empty-handed. I hate having so many unknowns to consider, but what else can I do? I'm not going to pressure her into giving me what I want. I'm not going to expect her to change. That wouldn't be fair to her.
I'm just stuck on the fact that I want to get married someday. I want to have a family of my own. I want to commit to someone for life. I want her.
And I’m afraid she doesn't want the same things.
I try to shove those thoughts away, to just enjoy this moment, this blissful morning with her in my arms, in my bed, in my life. I'm thinking maybe I should just let things be, let them flow naturally, wait for the right time to tell her how I really feel. But then again, how will I know it's the right time? What if the opportunity slips right by and I don't even notice? What if she slips through my fingers and leaves my life forever, never knowing my intentions? Because what we have right now is temporary.
I resist the urge to run my fingers through her red hair or trace her cheekbone with the pad of my thumb. I want to press a kiss against her cheek, but I don't want to wake her. I'm still lost in thought when her phone rings from the bedside table.
I'm surprised she didn't turn the ringer off. I'm not sure if I should disturb her and move to turn it off or just let her wake up to the sound. She opens her eyes, smiles at me, and rolls over to grab her phone.
“Good morning,” she says to me with a sleepy smile.
“Good morning,” I say as she looks down at her phone screen with a frown. “Who is it?”
She glances at me. “It’s Raina.”
“So answer it.” I have no doubt she's wondering why her friend would call even though they're not on good terms right now. In my mind, it's a good sign that her friend wants to try to repair their relationship if she's reaching out. I guess I could be wrong, but I really hope I'm not.
She only hesitates for a moment before answering the call. “Hello?”
I can hear Raina’s voice on the other end of the line, but I can't make out what she's saying. So I try to pick out clues from Moira's expression, but she's unreadable as she listens. After Raina’s voice finally stops, Moira seems surprised.
“Wow, okay, yes. I’d like that.” Her response doesn't really give me any clues to what's going on, but I have no doubt she’ll share if she wishes.
She pauses again while Raina speaks, then responds, “Okay, sure. When?”
The response seems to surprise her, and she lifts both eyebrows. “Alright, I’ll see you soon.”
She hangs up and flashes me an apologetic smile, reaching out to run her fingernails through my hair and along my scalp.
“So...?” I say, wondering if she’s going to share.
“Raina wants to meet up with me. In like, fifteen minutes.” As she says the words, her apologetic smile makes more sense.
“So why are you still sitting here in bed with me then?”
