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I stayed rooted to the spot while she walked inside.
Fuck. I had gooseflesh. A part of me wanted to go back in time and not ask the damned question, because leaving the windows closed was almost better than letting her strip me bare that way, so viscerally, so sharply.
I walked down the porch steps, running away.
I walked on the beach, away from that house that was turning into a place almost more hers, more ours, than mine. With every month that passed, more and more stones seemed to be bearing down on the roof.
I don’t know how long I walked. Emotionally blocked. Angry. Repeating her words over and over: I’ve always been in love with you. You’re a coward. That reproach had struck my soul. Because Leah was right. I had always thought you have to face things head-on. But with her, I couldn’t.
Night had fallen when I returned.
Leah had her back turned, facing the microwave, listening to music. I walked over to her, and when I was right behind her, I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into me. She flinched. I took off her headphones and bent down, grazing her earlobe. I felt her quiver and swallow. I was tense. Very tense. I smelled the soft aroma of her skin.
“Don’t move.” I held on to her. “You’re right. It did mean something. It meant that I got hard and I had to stop myself from tearing off your clothes then and there. It meant that I had to take a cold shower and go the whole night without sleeping. It meant that I didn’t know a kiss could be like that, and since then, I can’t stop looking at your mouth. But Leah, it can’t happen. It can never happen, understand, babe? I can’t stand being here, with you so far away like this. Please don’t make it so hard.”
I let her go. Because it was that or ignore everything I had just said and throw myself on her and kiss her all over… I took a deep breath and walked off, shutting the door to my room. I fell onto my bed, my heart in my throat. What had I just done? I was like her. I’d leapt without thinking. Without looking first to see if there were sharp rocks or water at the bottom.
So it is. In life there are some things you see coming and others that catch you by surprise, and those words I’d just said in her ear…those words would be my perdition.
An hour later, she knocked on my door. I told her to come in, and she opened it slowly. Our eyes met for a few seconds, and it was like an electric charge had shot through the room. Something new. Something throbbing.
“I was coming… I made tacos. I thought we could have dinner together.”
I smiled and stood up.
I looked at her from above and murmured a soft thanks as I walked past her to the kitchen, which smelled of spices and grilled vegetables. I put the food on plates, turned on the record player, and followed her to the porch.
That’s how Leah and I became friends again.
60
_________
Leah
One day i thought, since the red tube was open, I should start using it before it dried up. So I grabbed the alizarin crimson. It was an intense blue-red color, a dark tone like the wax seals of letters.
I put a little oil paint on my palette and looked askance at the other colors, all intact, all pretty, with thousands of possible combinations…
I grabbed a soft-haired brush, and when I touched the surface with its tip, I let myself go, not thinking about anything. Two diffuse profiles against the shadows. Two faces breathing the same air. Two pairs of red lips almost touching, but not. And a kiss, almost, frozen in time.
61
_________
Axel
That afternoon, i’d had to go to a nearby town to talk to a few clients. When I got home, Leah was gathering her paints. She looked at me from the other end of the living room and grabbed the piece she was working on.
I left my notebooks on the desk. “Hey, what are you doing? Can I see?”
She stopped me short with her words. “No. This… No. It’s mine,” she said.
Damned Leah. She knew I was a curious cat and couldn’t stand not knowing everything. I stood there, fascinated, staring at her face. She had a spot of paint on her right cheek, and it was all I could do not to wipe it off with my fingers. I went to the kitchen, telling her I would make dinner.
It had been a week since we’d made peace.
Leah hadn’t brought the kiss back up, but that didn’t make me think about it any less. It was complicated because she kept getting prettier, fuller, more herself. Either I was seeing things, or every day she wore shorter shirts and dresses that made me want her even more. Plus, I wasn’t used to holding back, to restraining myself. I had gone through life doing whatever I wanted without overthinking it. Hitting the brakes was frustrating.
