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Leah
There were lots of people in the house and music playing in the background. The voices coming from the living room shook me a bit. I stopped at the door, trying to decide whether to go in. I knew some of the guests from school, from the year I failed and was now repeating.
I felt the urge to turn around and run after Axel’s car. My mouth was dry. I had told Blair I’d come to the party because a part of me wanted to be normal again, do the things I used to do, show that I was the same girl as always. But my heart was pounding out of my chest…
“Leah? You’re here. Blair told me you were coming.” Kevin Jax smiled at me from the other side of the threshold.
“Hey.” I had a knot in my throat.
“Come on, I’ll get you a drink.”
“No. I better not.” I was shaking.
“Not even a soda? Something without alcohol?”
“Yeah, that’ll work,” I said.
My anxiety was like an uncontrollable insect living inside me. It could go weeks without appearing. According to the psychologist my brother took me to the year before, that was common. Lots of people suffered brief attacks of it in their day-to-day lives, even those who hadn’t experienced any trauma. Anxiety could stay there sleeping in a corner and awaken without warning, stretch its arms and legs, and make even saying something coherent turn into an insurmountable task.
I followed Kevin to the kitchen, which was full of half-empty bottles and plastic cups. This was the boy who had given me my first kiss and to whom I had given my virginity two years later. But still, I didn’t feel anything. Not even a slight tug in my stomach. I took a sip of the soda he handed me.
“Thanks. Is Blair here yet?”
“Yeah, she’s in the living room. Speaking of…I wanted to talk to you about something. I wanted to be sure us hanging out isn’t a problem for you. I know you’ve had a tough time and I don’t want to add to that…”
I restrained my desire to hug him.
Kevin, with his sincere smile and good humor. Kevin, so loyal, so ready to put himself in someone else’s shoes. I remember how honest he was when I confessed I was in love with someone else and I didn’t want to hurt him. He nodded, he understood, and after a few tense weeks while he got himself together, he came back into my life as though nothing had happened, the same friend as always.
“I’m really happy you two are together.” I exhaled the breath I’d been holding in.
“Thanks, Leah.”
“You want to go to the living room?”
There were a few people standing, but most were on the two long sofas. Blair got up and ran toward me. We hugged. Then she introduced me to a couple of guys I didn’t know and made a space for me to sit down. Nervous, I gave her a sip of my drink.
“Long time, no see,” Sam said.
“Yeah, I’ve been… I don’t go out much.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself.” Maya nudged Sam with her elbow.
I slipped a lock of hair behind my ear and managed to say, “No worries. It’s fine.”
Blair squeezed my hand. That calmed me down.
No one paid me any more mind, so I relaxed and tried to enjoy the evening, the trivial conversations and that feeling of not thinking of anything deep or important, just hanging out with people. I finished my soft drink, taking little sips, and when some people started to play a drinking game, kind of like Truth or Dare, where you had to either answer a question or take a shot and strip off a piece of clothing, I opted out, staying close to Blair.
“You sure you don’t want to play, Leah?”
I shook my head and Sam shrugged.
“Fine. We’re going to get started. Maya, have you ever been in a three-way?”
