Page 54 of All That We Never Were

“I want to dance to ‘Let It Be’ with my eyes closed.”

“Brilliant. Done.” I put it on the list.

“And I want to get drunk.”

“Who am I to tell you not to? You’re an adult. All right. I’m glad you’re participating. What else can we do?” I put the pen in my mouth. “Let’s see, things that make you feel, that make you stop thinking…”

“A kiss.” Leah looked at me. “From you,” she clarified.

“Leah…” My voice was a hoarse whisper.

“It’s not a big deal. Just another feeling…”

“We can’t. Let’s think of something else.”

“Weren’t you the person who didn’t try to make things seem more important than they are? It’s just a kiss, Axel. No one will ever find out, I promise. But I want…I want to know what it’s like, what it feels like. What do you care? You’ll kiss anyone…”

“Exactly. You’re not just anyone.”

“Fine. Forget it.” She sighed, giving up.

I toyed with the pen in my hands. “What was that about, Leah?”

She looked up. Took a deep breath. “You already know, Axel. I… Years ago…”

“Drop it. Don’t tell me. I’ll be right back.” I got up to go have a smoke.

It was still raining buckets when I leaned on the wooden railing and blew out my first drag. The darkness enveloped everything and seemed to soften the noise of the storm. I sighed, tired, rubbing my chin.

I thought of the girl in my house. How complicated she was. All the knots I had untied little by little without grasping how many there still were to discover.

And at the same time, I liked that.

The challenge. It was almost a provocation.

I snuffed out the cigarette just as the cat appeared on the porch. It looked at me and meowed.

“Well, one time can’t hurt. You can spend the night.” I opened the door, and it shook off and went inside as if it had understood me.

“Poor thing!” Leah came over.

“I’ll go get a towel.”

We dried her off, rubbing her while she snorted and pawed at us.

“You know who she reminds me of?”

“Very funny,” Leah replied.

“You’ve got a lot in common.”

“I’m going to get her some dinner.”

She served her a dish of leftover soup, and the cat finished it while we sat on the wooden floor in the living room watching her. I lay down, falling backward with my hands behind my head. “Day Tripper” started playing, and I mumbled along distracted while she smiled and relaxed. The tension from fifteen minutes before had dissipated.

“I’ll look for some old clothes she can sleep on top of.”

“No, I’ll take her to my room,” she said.

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