Page 53 of All That We Never Were

Frustrated, I watched him depart, walk down the three steps of the porch, and take off into the rain headed for the beach. I wanted to shout to him to turn around, to beg him not to get into the water, but I just stayed there, frozen in place, my pulse racing.

The rain was plinking against the wood roof over the porch when I walked outside with my easel and opened it. I looked anxiously through my paint tubes, my heart pounding to the rhythm of the raindrops splashing on the ground. I opened them with quivering hands, grabbed a brush, and stopped thinking.

Then I just felt.

I felt every line, every curve, every splatter.

I felt what I was painting in my stiff fingers, in the vulnerability that shook me because I was so worried about him, in my shifting pulse, and in my chaotic thoughts.

I don’t know how long I was in front of that canvas spilling out everything I couldn’t put into words, but I only stopped when I saw Axel in the distance, his board under his arm, through the rain that was still falling.

He was soaked when he climbed onto the porch and set his board aside.

“The current was great, there were waves that…” He fell silent when he saw my expression. “What’s up? Are you mad?”

I wanted to control it. I wanted to swallow my feelings and shut myself up in my room as I had during those first months. Not react. Not let it go.

But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

“Yes, god damn it! Yes!” I exploded. “I didn’t want you to go. I didn’t want to have to worry about whether something would happen to you! Or be anxious or afraid or wanting to shout at you like I am now!”

Axel looked at me, surprised, and understanding filled his eyes. “I’m sorry, Leah. I didn’t even think about it.”

“I realize that,” I replied and put down my brush.

How could he not know? I was scared; no, worse, I was in a panic, horrified that something could happen to the people I cared about. I couldn’t even stand to think about it. There, in front of him, I felt angry and relieved at the same time, knowing he was here.

“What’s that? Did you paint something in color?” Axel pointed at the picture. It was dark, like all the rest, but on one side was a single intense red point, vibrant, the only thing in the whole image that caught the eye.

“Yeah, because that’s you! A zit on someone’s ass!”

I left it there and went inside, hearing him cackling further and further off. I wrinkled my nose at what I was feeling and brought a hand to my chest.

Breathe…I just needed to breathe…

46

_________

Axel

I hadn’t even stopped to think about how scared Leah would be when I told her I was going surfing in the storm. I was used to it. Actually it was one of my favorite times: the sea wild, the rain breaking the surface, the chaos around me, and the currents throwing up taller waves than usual.

But that red dot, that zit on someone’s ass… Well, I almost think it was worth it.

Leah didn’t leave her room till dinnertime. I made a salad and two of those soups my mother brought every time she came to visit, as if she wanted me to squirrel them away in case the rapture came and we were trapped or something.

It was still raining, so we ate in the dining room while we listened to a Beatles record. She concentrated on her dish until she finished it and answered all my questions with monosyllables.

She washed the dishes while I made tea.

Once we were back on the sofa, I grabbed a piece of paper.

“We need to do more things,” I said. “Like, I don’t know, what’s up with the strawberry suckers? You used to love them, right? You used to always have one in your mouth.”

“I don’t know. Not anymore,” she replied.

“Well, what would you like us to put on the list? You’ve got carte blanche right now. That’s fun, right? You and me together doing the first thing that pops into your head.”

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