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With a knot in my throat, I parked my bicycle and climbed the stairs. I had been concentrating so hard that I didn’t even notice there was something else there, something that hadn’t been on the porch when I left that morning. I shook when I saw it. A spotless easel of bright wood with an empty canvas resting on it.
“What’s this?” my voice broke.
“This is for you. What do you say?”
“No.” I was almost begging. “I can’t… There’s no way…”
Axel swallowed as if he hadn’t expected this reaction. I tried to escape to my room, but before I could get into the house, he grabbed my wrist and pulled firmly. Shit. I felt his fingers surrounding my skin…his skin…
“I’ve seen your drawings. If you can do it on paper, why not here? It’s the same thing, Leah. And I need you to do it. I need you to start moving forward.”
I closed my eyes. I hated him for saying that.
I need… He needed it? I swallowed my frustration, still trembling.
“I’m supposed to meet up with a friend.”
Axel let me go. His eyes drilled into me in the midday silence, and I shrank before him, realizing he could see right through my raincoat…
“So you’re meeting a friend. Who? When?”
“Blair. We haven’t set a date.”
“Isn’t that a requirement to meet up with someone?”
“Yeah, but we’ll talk about it later.”
“Sure. Next year. Or the one after,” he joked.
“Fuck you, Axel.”
17
_________
Axel
I heard the door slam when Leah disappeared, but I didn’t move. I stayed there in front of the white canvas I’d bought her that morning, my heart frantic. How fucking long had it been since my heart had beat like that, so chaotic, so fast? My life was usually like a sea without waves, calm, serene, easy. I’d only had to face the truth one time, and that was when the Joneses died.
I remember that day as if it just happened.
A few hours before, Oliver and I had gone out and gotten drunk with a group of English tourists who invited us to finish the party in their hotel. When the phone rang, we were already taking the gravel path out, laughing about things that had happened the night before. The sun shone high in the clear sky, and Oliver picked up the phone, still smiling.
I knew it was something bad when I saw his face, as if something inside him had shattered. Oliver blinked and grabbed the post in front of him, crumpling to his knees. He murmured, “An accident,” and I took the phone from his hands. My father’s voice was on the other line, hard, like a smack across the face: “The Joneses had an accident.” I could only think of her.
“Leah? Dad…” I gulped. “Is Leah…?”
“She’s hurt, but not badly.”
I hung up and held Oliver’s shoulders while he vomited in the garden of that hotel. My brother picked us up on a nearby street ten minutes later. Ten minutes that were eternal, while Oliver lost control and I gathered what strength I had to keep him on his feet.
18
_________
Leah
I didn’t leave the room the whole afternoon. But I did open my backpack, take out my books, and do my homework. When I finished, I put on my headphones and let the music fill me. It was the one link with the past I allowed myself, because I couldn’t…I couldn’t do without it. Impossible.
