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I guess that’s why she came looking for me.
Still out in the water, I saw her sitting close to the shore, legs crossed, eyes pinned to the horizon. I came out a little later, exhausted, my board under my arm. I flopped down beside her, stretching out on the sand without uttering a word.
“Sorry about last night. I didn’t want to scare you.”
“It’s anxiety, Leah; it’s not your fault. The harder you try to avoid it, the more you think you can, the worse it will be. Things aren’t always easy, but little by little, you’ll make it.”
“No one believes me, but I am trying.”
I believed her. I was convinced that she was struggling every single day to get ahead without realizing that she was the one holding herself back. She wanted it. But her instincts were stronger, and her instincts were shouting at her that the path to her goal was too arduous, that the best thing would be to stay where she was, huddled down, protected, anchored in a place she herself had built.
* * *
The next day, after seeing her disappear up the drive on her orange bike, I got in my pickup and headed to the café to call in the favor my brother owed me and get a free breakfast. I ordered coffee and a piece of cake.
“How did the night go? A fuck to remember?”
“My wife isn’t just some fuck, Axel. Watch your mouth.”
“Okay, you’re right. She’s a grade A fuck. Sorry.”
My brother scowled at me and I laughed because I meant it. Emily was such a catch, I still had a hard time figuring out what she was doing with Justin.
“Oh, is there a grade A fuck around?” My father showed up with his customary smile. He liked to toy with slang and sound like the surfers and hippies in the area, but it never came out right, and Mom always gave him a friendly slap on the neck whenever she heard him.
“Forget it, Dad. Axel. He’s an idiot.”
“Your kids think I’m the coolest uncle ever.”
“My kids are six,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “And I’m still mad at you for letting them paint your walls. What were you thinking? The other day they trashed the living room and couldn’t understand why we were yelling at them.”
“I told them they could do it one time. If they did it again, that’s not my problem. I’ve got to go; we’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Take it easy, dude!” my father shouted with a grin.
I tried not to laugh as I said goodbye, got into the truck, and drove awhile to the next town over. It’s not that I couldn’t buy what I wanted in Byron Bay, but there was less variety and the prices were usually higher. I took my time choosing. I wanted everything to be new, unused, without marks or memories. I used the occasion to get some work materials I needed. When I got back home, I went out to the porch and got everything ready. Then I put the sushi I’d bought in the fridge and waited, smoking a cigarette, until I saw her pedaling in the distance.
16
_________
Leah
“So things are better…” blair looked at me.
I nodded without taking my eyes off the purple ribbon hanging at the end of her braids. The color was intense, alive, like the skin of an eggplant. I took a deep breath and then did the thing I’d been avoiding for so long, taking an interest in another person, breaking the layer of indifference.
“You good too?” I asked.
Blair smiled before telling me what her job had been like those first weeks. Since her mother was a teacher there, she’d recommended her as a kindergarten assistant while she was studying early childhood education. She had never wanted to leave Byron Bay. I had always dreamed of going to college, studying fine arts, and coming back with a head full of ideas to make real. And when I imagined myself doing it, I saw him looking at my pictures, analyzing them with that way he had of softly tilting his head.
How far away all that was…
“We could meet for a coffee one day. Or a Coke, I don’t know, whatever you want. You know, we don’t even have to really talk.”
“Okay,” I agreed quickly because I couldn’t stand to see Blair like that, almost begging for some time with me when she ought to be running away from me and not even bothering to ever speak a word to me again.
With the palms of my hands sweaty despite the cool breeze, I got on my bike and pedaled as fast as I could to Axel’s house, as if with every turn of the wheels I was trying to leave my nerves behind. And I did; at some point on the ride, I was empty, and when I arrived, I felt a shiver as I saw him leaning on the wooden railing with a cigarette between his fingers. I buried that shiver. I buried it deep. In my mind, I scratched the dirt with my fingertips, dug a hole, put in that hole any glimmer of emotion I felt, and covered it up.
