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So an hour later I was at my parents’ house, sitting in front of Oliver and beside Leah at the table, surrounded by food, voices, and laughter, though all I could think about was how fucking good she smelled, how I wanted to bend down and give her a kiss, like Emily and Justin did, about how the only thing that kept me from grabbing her, dragging her off to the bathroom, and stripping her naked was my last shred of common sense.
Who could have told me things would end up like this?
I felt a jab of desire when I felt her leg brush mine under the table. She looked at me when she noticed I tensed up, and I got lost in those turquoise eyes for a second, sinking, finding myself in them.
“I’ll be right back. I’m going to grab a smoke.” I got up suddenly.
“Wait, I’ll come with you,” Oliver said, following behind.
I leaned on the concrete barrier with a few plants climbing it and lit my cigarette before passing him one. The street was calm. The midday sun was reflected in the windshields of the cars parked out front. I took a long drag.
“Everything good in Sydney?” Every word was a struggle to pronounce.
“Better than here, I’d say. What’s up lately?”
I shrugged. I wanted to run away. “Weird times,” I managed to say. “It’ll pass.”
“I hope so, because it sucks to come here for a week and not see you, damn it. You’re not all fucked up about painting again, are you? Hey, Axel, look at me.”
I shook my head and expelled smoke. I felt so guilty… “Remember what you said to me a few months ago? About that chick of yours, Bega. How sometimes you aren’t looking for something but it just appears.” I rubbed my chin and stubbed out my cigarette. “Forget it, it’s nothing.”
“Fuck that. Tell me. I’m listening.”
I looked at the hand he had just rested on my shoulder and felt the ground give way beneath my feet. I could have just out and said it. Get it over with. I knew Oliver; I knew how he reacted during conflicts, but none that we’d experienced had ever been Hey, I’m fucking your little sister, cool? And uncertainty and cowardice mingled in my stomach. But I did take one step forward, or backward, I don’t know.
“I’ve met someone special.”
In theory I’d known her for nineteen years, since she was born, but I didn’t specify that. I analyzed Oliver’s incredulous expression.
“You? Shit…I mean, cool. I don’t know what to tell you. The only advice I can give is take it slowly and don’t push too hard the first few months, because that’s something you’d do. Shit, don’t look at me like that…”
For the first time in ages, I wanted to punch my best friend.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You get excited and then you get bored. You get bored of your own dreams, Axel.”
“That’s not completely true.”
I sounded cold, strange. Oliver looked at me and shook his head. He threw his cigarette on the ground, stepped forward, and hugged me. Fucking Oliver. A part of me wanted to be angry with him because it would be easier.
“I was trying to make things better, not worse. I’m sorry I’ve been gone these months, man, but I don’t know, call me if you need something or want to talk.” He pulled away and looked at me not like a friend, but like a brother. “Come on, let’s go inside before your mom comes out and pokes us with the first thing she gets her hands on.”
I smiled and followed him inside.
October
* * *
(SPRING)
91
_________
Leah
“I was going to die if I spent another minute without seeing you.”
Axel started laughing and picked me up in his arms as he kissed me. When we got to his room, he dropped me on the bed and lifted my shirt to kiss my stomach next to my belly button. I trembled.
