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It was just a fling, I tell myself.
A one time thing.
And now, it's over.
Chapter 18
"Jenny, these are terrible movie options," Fallon complains as I dump a bag of popcorn into the bowl.
"They're great movies," I roll my eyes, take a handful of popcorn and shove it into my mouth.
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Saving Private Ryan? The Green Mile?" she rattles them off. "Where the hell is Casablanca? Before Sunrise? Notting Hill?"
"Those are all overrated and not as exciting as—"
"Don't you dare fucking say it," she warns, extending her arm and pointing a finger at me.
"The Silence of the Lambs."
Fallon sucks in her bottom lip, shoots me a worried look. "Jenny, what's going on?"
"Nothing," I wave off. "I'm just tired of watching romance, you know?"
"Um, no," she scoffs. "The whole point of ditching Prom was so we could watch romantic movies together and fuel our unrealistic expectations of the male species. Create our own heartbreak through expectation. Blah, blah, blah."
I chuckle lightly. "Did you just say a few sentences without cursing?"
She raises an innocent shoulder. "I have my moments. Seriously, though, get your ass upstairs and grab Before Sunrise. I need some mid-90s Ethan Hawke to encourage me to book that backpacking trip through Europe."
"Fine," I huff. "But just know, I'm not happy about this."
We settle on the couch, big fluffy blankets draped over us, the bowl of popcorn between us. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy and their effortless chemistry grace the screen as I try my best not to think about Kyle. And the girl who answered his phone. The sick feeling in my stomach that won't go away. The subtle ache in my chest that won't budge.
I gave him a part of myself. A really special part. And I know, I know, I showed up, condom in hand, practically begging him for it. But then he had to say all that stuff. Fill my head with silly ideas.
I want you, Jenny.
I want to explore every inch of your body right now.
I've always liked you.
I can't believe this is really happening. I...I...fantasized about this so many times.
He also warned me, gave me a chance to back out, told me he wasn't going to have sex with me when he realized what I was doing. Using him to make myself feel better because his brother made me feel like crap.
What if I hadn't had that condom? Would he have still followed through? Still explored every inch of my body like he said he wanted to.
Ugh.
It's all such a mess. A big, fat, complicated mess.
Honestly, I don't even know what to do about it. Maybe there's nothing I can do. Kyle's in another city and I'm here, still in high school. I don't really have anything to offer him, do I? I'm sure in a few years, when I'm older, wiser, more experienced, he might see me differently. But for now, I'm just the immature girl next door who seduced him into taking her virginity.
Kind of.
He was obviously a willing participate.
I think it's time to accept that whatever happened can't happen again.
