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Maybe. Maybe if I could find a relationship I felt like an equal in. Where I knew I would never care about who worked harder or who gave more.
I reread the question three times before giving up and moving on.
How many children do you want to have?
The real question should have been, would you be a good mother?
I didn't have a ton of experience with babies. Ollie was born when I was seven or eight and I had no interest in helping with him. I was too busy shooting hoops or collecting cards.
"I think two or three," I heard Matt answer beside me.
"Two or three what?" I asked as I dropped my pencil, desperately needing a break.
"Kids," he scoffed. "I'd want two or three. What about you?"
I scratched the side of my face while I tried to think of a good answer. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" he laughed. "Jen, how can you not?"
"I just think it's lame that we have to decide right now what we want in life. What if I can't have kids? What if I don't end up finding someone I want to spend a lifetime with? What if I'm a terrible mother?"
Matt draped his arm loosely over my shoulders. "It's just an assignment. Just something to think about. You aren't deciding your future right now; you're figuring out what you think you might want it to look like so you work towards it."
I exhaled heavily. The only part of my future I knew I wanted was one with him in it. Preferably one where we were together. Romantically.
"Two kids, huh?" I asked him.
"Of course you and I will have two kids," he beamed at me. "And we'll still play basketball every Saturday at the rec center."
I coughed in disbelief. "You want to marry me?"
Matt threw his head back and laughed, winked at me before saying, "Jen, it would be an honor to marry you."
"No," I groaned, "I wasn't proposing." More laughter followed. "It's not funny, Matthew."
"Come on, Jen," he grinned at me, his playful brown eyes sparkling. "Let yourself dream."
The problem was that my dream had always been him. Matt and me. Maybe we'd end up at the same college, he'd realize he loved me, we'd date, get married, then settle down somewhere. Kids would surely follow. I didn't know how many, but if they looked like him, I didn't really care.
But that dream hurt too much to cling to. It hurt too much to admit to myself how badly I wanted him. He was my best friend, and I knew everything about him. He was always the sunshine, a lighthouse, gold in my world. He made things better, brighter when no one else could. We laughed more than we ever argued. We were friends, always paired up, always choosing each other. We had the same interests, thoughts and ideas. I never questioned whether I belonged beside him; I knew I did.
They say hindsight is 20/20, but what if it's not? What if we already know how things end? But we're too afraid to admit them to ourselves?
I didn't dream much about a life with Matt, even though it's what I really wanted.
I think I always knew it was a life I would never live.
Mom walks out of the room, and I slam into her, feel my heart beat rapidly in my chest.
I need to stop thinking about Matt.
"There you two are," Mom says, exasperated. "Audra's already had her epidural. Matt's in there with her. I'm headed out to grab coffee."
"I'll go with you," Kyle runs a tired hand over his face.
I grab his arm as he slips his hand out of mine and starts to follow Mom. "You should go home and get some rest. I can handle this for now."
He shakes his dark head. "My brother needs all the family he has right now."
