AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He looks down at my hand on his heart, catches on to what I'm saying. "I'll try my best."
I give him one last small smile before I step back, tighten my grip on the trash bag in my hand. I toss it into the bin as Matt comes up behind me, throws the bag in his hands on top of mine.
We take one final look at each other before I wrap my arms around my chest and head back inside.
To Kyle.
To the life Matt thinks I deserve. The one I don't really feel worthy of.
Chapter 53
It’s the second week of December. The trees are festively strung with colored lights along the square, the streetlights adorned in evergreen wreaths and big, cardinal-colored bows, storefronts glowing from the golden hue of Christmas just around the corner. It really does look like the most wonderful time of the year.
There’s no snow on the ground today, but flurries have been trickling down from the silvery satin sky all evening, gleaming and glinting and glimmering against the soft yellow shine of the streetlights outside the coffee shop window. I’ve been rooted in place, working on a paper for my Women’s history class. The last paper I turned in, the professor suggested I think about majoring in History because, and I quote, “You’re a natural!” Needless to say, I aced that paper. And the midterm.
Trust me, I’m just as shocked as you are. Maybe this college thing isn’t so bad, after all.
I close my laptop and rub a tired hand over my face. It’s quiet tonight. No shows scheduled upstairs in the gallery, the coffee shop empty except for a few stray people here or there needing something warm to drink. There’s an engagement party taking place tomorrow evening upstairs that I have to get up early to help Kyle with. Some lucky girl is going to walk in there surrounded by all her family and friends and photos of the life she’s shared with some guy. That same guy is going to get down on one knee and ask her for forever.
And I want to think it’s romantic and sweet and magical, but it really just makes me think of Matt and Audra. Mom texted the other day. They’re planning a New Year’s Eve wedding, unless Audra’s in labor.
I know I should be excited for them. I just don’t know how to be.
Audra cornered me the day after Thanksgiving, before we left. She wanted to explain herself, wanted to assure me that she wasn’t walking into their engagement blindsided.
“I know he doesn’t love me the way I want him to,” she shook her head. “I can see it on his face every time he looks at me. He’s trying, but he can’t.”
“I don’t think we should be having this conversation,” I kindly told her as I tried to bolt. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. My heart ached for both of them. Marrying someone just because it was convenient, because it’s what Diane wanted, because they had no one else didn't seem like a good reason to get married to me.
But maybe there are things I can’t possibly understand because I’ve never been in their position—their situation.
I don't know.
“No,” Audra held her arm out. “I need to say this, Jenny. I need you to hear it.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
“My parents told me I need to move out when the baby comes,” she swallowed hard, her breathing shallow. “They don’t want me there when they come home. They’re mad I stayed here with Matt instead of going to Pepperdine. They say I’ve ruined my life.”
My heart clenched in my chest. My parents would never do that to me. Ever.
“I’m on bedrest,” she reminded me. “I’m sick. I need help. I need family, Jenny. And Matt's offering me that. He’s offering me everything I need right now. You can judge me for it, but I can handle your judgement because I'm doing this for my daughter. I have to try for my daughter."
Her lower lip started to tremble, and her eyes filled with glassy tears.
I stepped forward and wrapped my arms gingerly around her neck. I didn’t know what to say, what to do.
It’s an impossible situation. For them both.
I should have told you how I felt the moment I knew.
I can’t give you the things that he can.
...I’m going to try to love her the way I really, really wanted to love you.
I shake my head, try not to dwell on what Matt was confessing. That he loves me, that he can’t be with me, that Kyle can love me better, that this was, once and for all, goodbye. A closed chapter. On our friendship. On whatever it was we might have been but can't be.
All things I think I already knew.
