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Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
Tell him about Kyle.
But the words get lodged in my throat and I can't speak. Can't tell him how much I love his brother when I know it'll destroy him, destroy our friendship.
"You should tell her how you feel," I give him a small smile. Because even though we'll never be together, he can't punish himself forever. He deserves happiness, too. Even if it's short-lived. Even if it doesn't work out. Even if he has to walk away from me. He has to try.
"What if after everything I've done, she doesn't want me?" He looks boyish and shy as he stares at the white tablecloth.
I pull my fingers out of his, place my hand in my lap. "I guess you'll never know until you tell her."
"I just wanted to figure out what to do without Audra and her parents breathing down my neck," he scratches the side of his face. "I didn't handle it well. I was just...trying to do the right thing for everyone."
"I know," I tell him. "But sometimes you have to do what's right for you, too."
"Why does it feel like no matter what I do, it'll be wrong?" he questions.
I nod my head slowly, remembering what Mom told Tommy. "There is no wrong answer. There's just the best answer for right now."
Like I said, I no longer see the world in black and white.
It's all grey area now.
Chapter 33
The Florida sun beats down on me as I lay on my stomach, a purple beach towel beneath me, a multi-colored umbrella shading my face. Kyle is sitting to my right, his arms tucked under his head as he bathes in the golden sunlight. I try my best not to stare at the way his muscles glisten and glow and gleam as the rays of sun dance across his tanned body. His chest faintly rises and falls as he dozes off beside me. The temptation to reach out, run my hand up and down his bare upper half is overpowering, potent, exhilarating. My hand sifts through scorching sand, tiny rough pebbles shifting beneath my palm, aching to touch him.
My fingers are just in reach when Audra shrieks at the top of her lungs. I yank my arm back as Kyle abruptly sits up.
"What's wrong?" I ask, my voice panicky, my heart thundering against my ribs, tiny beads of perspiration breaking out along my hairline.
"I think I felt the baby move!" she shouts as she jumps up, presses her hand to her tanned, flat stomach. If it wasn't for the ultrasound she keeps in her purse, I might think this whole pregnancy thing is a sham.
Matt slowly pulls an ear bud out, leans forward in the beach chair he's sitting in. A white towel is draped over his shoulders and his brown hair is messy from the hot breeze. He's been sulking in the shade, in the shadows, all day long.
Audra flat out rejected him when he asked her to stop seeing Tag, the handsome stranger from Bruce's, and exclusively date him. He's been in a...delicate place ever since. Which is why Kyle and I agreed to wait until after vacation to tell him we're seeing each other.
"The doctor says you won't be able to feel anything for another month," Matt blandly states before putting his ear bud back in.
As if on cue, Audra's stomach grumbles and I laugh. "You're just hungry. We've been sitting here for a few hours. Probably getting close to dinner time."
Audra's face falls. "I thought it was the baby."
"Maybe it was," I shrug. "You never know."
I watch as she pulls her oaky brown hair, wavy from the seawater, over her shoulder. She chews on the inside of her cheek.
Matt stands, stretches his arms over his head, then starts packing up everything. Folding the chairs and tossing towels into Audra's pink, mesh beach bag. She begins helping him and their hands graze. I watch as Matt recoils quickly, turns his back to her, pulling the umbrella from the sand. But Audra is frozen in place and I see it, only a second or so passes, but it's there, written all over her face. Pain. Regret. Sadness.
She loves him.
She wants to be with him.
So, why is she torturing both of them?
I mean, I get it. He's been wishy-washy and harsh and hurtful.
But he's also been trying, in his own way, to make it up to her. He invited her on vacation, not wanting her to be home alone for a week. And, even though he was pretty gutted she said she wanted to focus on their friendship as co-parents, he accepted it. He's respecting her wishes. Doesn't bug her. Is letting her be. Shows up when she calls but leaves once she no longer needs him.
