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"I don't want things to change, Jen. I'm trying really hard here to keep that from happening." His voice is softer, full of emotion.
"But everything is changing, Matt," I find myself saying.
He turns his head, briefly looks at me before his eyes are back on the road. And, for the first time, I notice the dark circles under his coppery brown eyes.
"I don't want things to change," he quietly admits.
I want to reach out and touch his arm. Comfort him. Make him feel the warmth of my fingers on his smooth skin. That's something I might have done before but can't now because it's too awkward.
"We graduate in less than two months. Then you're going to UCLA to play basketball. Who knows where I'll end up? We're going in completely different directions. Maybe space is a good thing," I shrug. My head agrees with me, but I can hear what remains of my tattered heart screaming at me to take Matt up on his offer to grab food.
It's just food.
But food gives the illusion that things are fine. And they just aren't.
"You're killing me here, Jen," Matt exhales, totally deflated.
Yeah, you're killing me, too, Matt.
"We still have a class together and you drive me to school every day. Plus, we have basketball on Saturdays," I remind him. "I'm not going anywhere. I just need...to figure out how to be around you after…theboobdebacle."
A gentle laugh falls from his perfect lips. "The boob debacle?"
I groan as I feel my face heat. "Yeah, the first time a guy felt me up he was disgusted. Not really my finest moment."
Matt pulls into a parking spot and puts the jeep in park. "I...um...wasn't disgusted, Jen."
I chuckle softly. "Whatever. It's over and done with. I'm sure I'll have months, maybe years of therapy ahead of me now."
Hopping out of his jeep, I open my granola bar, take a bite and start heading towards my first class.
Matt steps beside me, matching my pace. He doesn't continue the conversation and neither do I. We walk silently, neither of us brave enough to say anything more.
—
"What the fuck?" Fallon curses quietly in the corner of the cafeteria.
"Really?" I shoot her an unimpressed look as I pull out my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Sorry," she brushes her long, naturally blond hair out of her light green eyes. "What the fudge."
"That's better," I laugh.
"I know you're, like, the Virgin Mary here, but you seriously got to second base before first base. I'm so proud, Jenny," she fake cries. "You're all grown up now. My work here is done."
Fallon is my other best friend. The person I actually tell everything to. We've been friends since kindergarten and she is, as she claims, my worse half.
"I just don't get what I did wrong." A hot breath of air escapes my lips. "I thought he liked me. And you should have seen his face while he was...you know…touching me," I whisper. "It didn't look like he hated it."
Fallon shakes her head. "I blame this whole fucking thing on that slut Audra Jenkins," she begins. I exhale before she continues. "She's been trying to come between you and Matt since 7th grade. Always lurking in the shadows, waiting for her perfect moment. She's been eating lunch with him every day for the past month. She's trying to get him to ask her to Prom."
We both look over at Matt's table. The jock table. Football players, basketball players and cheerleaders. I'm allowed to sit there since I'm friends with Matt, but I never do. I don't fit in with that crowd. I'm not sure Matt does either.
Sure enough, Audra suddenly appears out of nowhere and sits down next to Matt. She's not a cheerleader. She's worse. Captain of the Dance Team. Which means she has the perfect body. Curved in all the right places. Toned and tan. Oh yeah, and she's extremely flexible. I had a gym class with her sophomore year, and she can do some interesting things with that body of hers.
I keep watching as Audra twirls her long, oaky brown hair between her fingers. She smiles at Matt. He seems a little uneasy as she gently touches his shoulder and whispers something in his ear.
"Five bucks says he still comes over here to walk to class with you," Fallon whispers. "Cause even though Audra wants him, he really wants you, Jenny."
