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"Exactly," Lucy said. "Look, there are no guarantees, and it might not work. But then again, it might work out great." She smiled. "And if you're worried about that little boy, even if it doesn't work out between the two of you, I know you—you'll still be a part of his life, and he'll appreciate that."
We were all quiet for a moment until all of that settled in. Finally, Lucy looked at me meaningfully. "So, the big question is, Reagan: are you in love with this man?"
I bit my lip as tears started flowing from my eyes. "I think so," I whispered.
Shrieks emitted from my computer screen, and I plugged my ears for a moment until the two of them calmed down.
"I am so excited for you," Lucy said.
"Me too," Amy agreed. "It's about time."
"Don't get too excited, I haven't decided what to do yet," I said.
"Sounds pretty simple to me. You've got to tell him how you feel. Lay your cards on the table, can't go wrong with that," Lucy coached.
"That could so totally go wrong," I countered.
"She just means you need to be honest, especially since there is a child involved—everybody involved needs to be honest," Amy reminded me.
I nodded. They were right…as usual. They gave me some more encouragement, then we said our goodbyes, and when I flipped my laptop closed, I had a new conviction in my heart to tell Adam how I really felt.
***
There weren't plans to see Wolfie and Adam until next Friday for what had become our weekly hockey lesson at the rink in Brooklyn. I checked in daily with Adam and Wolfie, but I kept my confession to myself. I figured after our hockey lesson and getting Wolfie to bed, Adam and I would have some alone time, and I would lay it all out for him. I was trying to be brave and share my feelings. But as the week went on, I wasn't so certain about my plan—mostly because I felt off.
I tried having a conversation with the girls again after not feeling so sure of everything, thinking that maybe it was just the stress of everything getting to me. I had been working doggedly to make sure our case against Miss Baker was airtight, and that was on top of all my other workload. Between work and having long nights with Adam and all these play dates with Wolfie, I was exhausted.
It was to the point that it took everything I had not to fall asleep in the middle of meetings at work. I just needed some more energy, but I found that I didn't have much of an appetite lately.
I was sitting at my desk, nodding off when Cheri burst in with a pack of chips from the vending machine and a bottle of juice.
"All right, I have been seeing you move around like a sloth around here these last couple of weeks. And you never eat, so here," she said, plopping down her vending machine finds in front of me. I looked down at the bag of chips and the bottle of apple juice. Suddenly, I felt like everything I'd ever eaten in my life was surging upward. I saw her eyes widen as I lurched for the trashcan and let go of the meager contents of my belly.
"Oh, my God, I did not sign up for barfing at the office today," Cheri said from behind me.
I sat up, hugging the wastebasket to my chest. "I'm sorry, I knew I was feeling weird lately, but that was unexpected," I told her as I wrestled with my stomach, willing it to go back down.
Cheri, ever the mom, rushed towards me and put a palm to my forehead. "Well, you're not warm," she said, moving her fingers down to my lymph nodes and feeling around. After her careful inspection, she looked at me for a long moment and then went to close the door behind her, turning back to me with cautious eyes. "Reagan, I don't mean to get up in your business, but I did just see you barf into a trash can, so I think we're past that. When was the last time you had a period?"
I stared at her. "You don't mean to suggest that I'm—" Except, as I started to say it, my head was counting back. When was the last time I had my period? Too long.
Panic built up inside me, but I gave her a reassuring smile. I just shook my head. "It's nothing like that Cheri, don't worry. It's probably just a bug going around. In fact, I should probably stay away from you. You don't want to risk giving this to your kids," I told her to shoo her away.
She looked at me doubtfully but did heed my warning and left me alone. As soon as the coast was clear, I flipped through my planner, counting back the weeks. "Shit, shit, shit," I muttered to myself.
I took a look at the clock. It was almost quitting time for the day, so I grabbed my bag and got the hell out of there to the nearest drugstore.
The women’s restroom in the drugstore was occupied, of course, so I took my purchase and hailed a cab, fidgeting nervously in the backseat. The drive back home was tediously long, and when the cab finally pulled up to the curb next to my apartment, I shoved some bills at him and made a beeline for the door.
Those three minutes waiting for the test results were the longest three minutes of my life as I paced back and forth next to my bathroom counter.
But finally, the timer on my phone went off. I sucked in a deep breath as I looked down at the pregnancy test: positive.
***
I waited for tears to come, anger, joy…anything really. But mostly, I was just shocked.
I went about my nightly routine, willing myself to move methodically, terrified I would somehow just split apart. I didn't know what to think, but one thing kept coming back to me. If I went to Adam now and told him how I felt, would he think I was just saying that because he knocked me up? I didn't want him to think that I just conveniently grew feelings for him because now I was carrying his child. He and I both had serious trust issues, and now, here we were, complicating matters by throwing a baby into the mix. As if things are complicated enough.
