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His arms slid around me, pulling me to his chest. His chin rested on my hair.
“I’m not leaving you, cariad,” he said. “Ever. This is about the future you had planned before you went to college. We need to talk about children.”
I pulled back so I could look him in the eye. He’d gathered himself and his hands felt steady on my waist.
“Do you want kids?” I asked, sniffing.
His lips parted and he looked like he wanted to say something, but it was getting stuck. There was a short silence and I was beginning to think I knew the answer to his question.
“Have a seat,” he said, guiding me to the stool. “Before I answer that, I need to discuss something else.”
I sat, gripping the countertop until my knuckles went white. He circled the table and leaned over it opposite me. His eyes were deadly serious and they scared me to my core.
What was it? Had he had a vasectomy and he’d been hiding it?
“Merrick,” I said. “Tell me what the fuck is going on.”
His lean fingers rubbed together. His eyes were a deep blue, almost black. The way they always were when he got reflective.
“There were some things that happened a while ago that made me change my mind about what I wanted for my future,” he said.
“Is this something about my father?” I whispered, tears brimming.
“No, no,” he said swiftly.
“Merrick,” I begged. “Just tell me.”
He looked like he was about to throw up.
“I have a son,” he said in a rush.
My entire body went numb as shock moved through it in a ripple. My jaw went slack and a slow roaring sound began in my ears.
I peeled my mouth open, my dry tongue tingling.
“What?”
His eyes were wide and vulnerable. Pleading with me.
“I have a son,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“And…and you never told me this before,” I whispered. “You lied to me, Merrick.”
“No,” he said. “I’m not the only one involved in this. I was always fine with telling everyone, but he doesn’t want anyone to know I’m his father. I didn’t raise him, I didn’t even know he existed until about a decade ago.”
“You could have told me,” I said.
Why did this hurt so badly?
Because it felt like he didn’t trust me?
“I was a failure as a father,” he said. “Not on purpose, I just didn’t know I even was one. His mother didn’t want him involved with the organization so she concealed him from me. I met him around the time I met your father.”
My body felt like it was floating and my stomach felt sick.
“Who is his mother?” I asked. “Do you have contact with her?”
He shook his head once. “She passed away and I didn’t know her well.”
