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Suddenly, Sam’s eyes fly open and she gasps for air as she finds herself back in the dark bedroom she fell asleep in, panting and covered in sweat. She glances around to be sure it was all just a dream and sees Emily’s face still sleeping peacefully on the pillow next to her. Taking a deep breath, Sam stares up at the ceiling, focusing on slowing down the furious beats of her heart.
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Put your worry in a box and lock it away.
She runs over leftover advice from years of now lapsed therapy. She stopped attending sessions when she came to terms with the fact that she could never actually share her whole story, even with a professional, out of fear that they may lock her up and throw away the key.
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Everything will be okay. Go to your happy place.
Sam is almost fully committed to her vision of a hammock hanging on a sandy beach somewhere near the equator when she hears it.
Quiet laughter.
Her eyes fly open again and her pulse quickens. She turns to see Emily now awake too, staring back at her with wide, terrified eyes. A chill seems to descend over the room, wrapping itself around them like icy fingertips. The silence now around them feels heavy with the promise of something terrible about to fall down on them. The ladies breathe out to see a puff of frosted air escape their lips. Softly, slowly their bedroom door creaks open just as the silence is shattered by a series of crashes.
The two friends leap from their bed and race toward the door hand in hand, ready to face him together. When they reach the doorway they find that Raven and Callie have appeared in their doorway as well and with no words, they all watch the scene before them.
The household lights flash and flicker. Cabinet doors slam again and again. The drawers fly from their home, scattering silverware and random tidbits across the floor in a metallic clatter.
The women stare at each other across the chaos, all knowing the same fact. It has only just begun.
Emily stands in front of the mirror and looks at her reflection. She doesn’t look like herself. She looks like a broken little girl.
The tears haven’t stopped all night. Each one silently rolls down her cheek as if trying to escape the cold emptiness inside. It is a strange place to be when you are feeling absolute heartbreak and also nothing at all, somehow all at the same time. Emily touches the skin just above her collarbone and feels the gentle pain of her blooming bruises. The skin has already turned a deep purple that curls around her neck in the thick lines of his fingers.
She is in a state of near shock. How has this happened to her? Why does she feel like she deserves it? How can she so forcefully fear someone without hating them as well?
She walks to her closet and pulls on a turtleneck. The weather is not yet cool enough for her winter wardrobe, but it will have to do for today. She can’t let anyone see, but she can’t allow herself to stay home either. If she does, she runs the risk of really feeling the things boiling in her subconscious and just below her skin. She also runs the risk that he might come to check on her and being alone with him is unbearable to consider. School is public. Public is safe.
She’s ready early because she really didn’t sleep last night and is planning to walk herself to school. The fresh air and quiet morning might do her some good. She needs some of that solitude to try and make sense of her own thoughts.
Unfortunately, he has no intention of giving her that. She feels a pang in her gut when she sees him leaning against his car sitting in her driveway the second she walks outside. He is smiling slyly at her in the way that normally makes her heart beat faster. Today it just makes her feel nauseous and causes the bruises around her throat to throb.
“Hello, gorgeous,” he says with a wink.
Emily stares back at him with cold, empty eyes, “I was going to walk today.”
He eyes her speculatively as if gauging the exact levels and intentions of her melancholy. Finding her to be only sad and not angry, he moves forward with his plan. Pulling flowers from the front seat, he gives her his most sorrowful eyes, “I’m sorry, Emily.”
She doesn’t move or react. She simply stares back at his empty words hanging between them.
Sensing her denial, he moves closer and slides his arm around her shoulders and the flowers into her arms, “Seriously, Emily. I won’t ever do that to you again. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I had a shitty day and then I came over and you made me feel like you didn’t want me. I guess I just snapped.” Still seeing no reaction from his victim, he sounds desperate now, “You know that wasn’t me. Emily, don’t be stupid, you know I would never hurt you on purpose!”
His arm on her shoulders feels like a lead weight on her soul and his frenzied emotions make her feel like he might lash out at her at any moment. What will he do if she doesn’t accept his apology? She peeks up at his face and sees a tear threatening to spill from his eye. Her fleeting thoughts of running from him plummet under the weight of guilt he forced upon her. She gives him a slight smile back and lets herself be walked to the passenger side of his car. She wants to believe him, but as she stares out the window all she can think about are all the warnings Callie tried to give her.
TWENTY-FIVE
It is October 29th which might lead most to believe that the chill of fall has fully sunk its teeth into the weather, but in southern Missouri, this time of year means very little where the weather is concerned. For example, today is unseasonably warm with eighty-five-degree temperatures and bright sunshine. Since it happens pretty regularly, this wouldn’t normally seem significant to Callie, but as her bare shoulders are soaking in the early morning sunshine, she can’t help but notice Emily’s thick, bulky, turtleneck sweater. She can’t help but recall the days she wore a turtleneck and made up fake accidents to account for her bruises. Her high alert begins blaring like a siren in her mind and she takes in every detail of the girl before her.
Callie immediately feels a pit in her stomach because nothing in this scene points in a good direction. Dark circles under Emily’s puffy eyes, likely from a long night of crying. A blank look with wide, dazed eyes that usually comes from a loud mind buzzing with a million questions and regrets. She’s carrying flowers. Looks like an apology was made and now he’s making her carry in the evidence of what a great boyfriend he is so she seems crazy if she claims he isn’t. She is walking across the parking lot like a zombie as he drags her along by the hand. Her soul looks broken and Callie knows from experience that the things he does to people don’t just hurt physically. They maim and disfigure your entire self. It pushes and shoves, beats and batters the soul until the DNA of who you would have been before him doesn’t even exist anymore.
Callie hates him. Hates him in ways she never even knew possible. She knows she’s scowling now as she watches the abuser with his new prey. She doesn’t realize, at first, that he is scowling back. Suddenly, they make eye contact and Callie becomes hyper aware that he has watched her entire appraisal process. The bitter hate inside her grows even more intense as she feels fear blossoming as well. He has no right to her emotions and yet here he is still controlling them.
Callie feels another set of eyes on her now and stares back at her replacement on his arm. Emily’s eyes are wide and full of fear. They are brimming with tears begging for help. Callie can’t let him see this shared moment. She ducks her head, gathers her books, and disappears into the crowd.
Being in a large crowd is hard for Raven. She doesn’t just see emotions in facial expressions and actions. She physically feels them. She doesn’t get to choose and it comes without warning. In a crowd, it feels too loud and overwhelming. So many feelings all at once, it’s nearly maddening, but on this particular morning it all gets quieter and one particular mood screams out louder than any of the others. Raven can tell it is her before she even looks up. She can feel it like an electric current coursing through her veins. The connection is so strong. It’s like they’re both on the same radio frequency.
Glancing up now, Raven gazes at Callie’s shiny red hair and sorrowful eyes. The deep pain radiating from this girl’s body is so intense that Raven can see it in deep blue waves shimmering off of her.
Apparently, she can see emotions now too. That’s new.
