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“I’m not sure developing feelings is something you can really control,” I said.
“Why not? You just don’t let your mind go there. That’s all there is to it.”
I shook my head. “Are you crazy? You are talking about biological responses that you cannot control. That’s insane. Why do I hang out with you?”
“Because you think I’m hilarious.”
I laughed. “This is true. That is the only reason I keep you around. So, you think I should go for it and tell Mason how I feel? I’m so tempted, but is it the right time? I mean, he is getting over a huge betrayal and heartache.”
“All he can do is say he isn’t ready.”
“Yeah, but then the cat is out of the bag about my feelings and every time he is around me he is going to feel weird and eventually he is going to decide it is easier to just get rid of me. Then I’m screwed.”
“You need to relax. You are way overthinking this. Just go for it. He kissed you, right?”
I paused. “Yeah…”
“Then he obviously wanted to kiss you. And you said it was done as if he was having trouble controlling himself?”
I laughed. “It felt like that.”
“Well, there you go. You just need to be honest with him. And be honest with yourself.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m sure that’s right, but I’m scared for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because I’m excited about this, or if I am just super worried that this is going to mess up some of the plans I have.”
“Speaking of which, how is the band thing going?”
“Not well. I just can’t find anyone who will commit. But I’m saving up for some great recording software, going to get me a new instrument interface, and I’m going to start putting together some recordings and upload them to the net. Then I just have to hope someone discovers it and starts listening to it.”
“That sounds awesome. Maybe I could be your singer?”
I looked at her. “Can you sing?”
“I never have before and I do have a very interesting voice.”
“So that is a no.”
She stuck her tongue out at me and made a cat noise. I laughed and shoved another mouthful of ice cream into my face. If I only ate leafy greens the rest of the day I’d probably be ok. Ah, the sacrifices that must be made to indulge in awesome ice cream goodness.
“Hey, I can sing,” she protested. You just have to give me a try.
“Well, I’m doing my own singing.”
“Ah, right. You do everything yourself don’t you?”
“I do ok, except drums. But luckily drum beats are easily programmable nowadays and they sound pretty authentic actually.”
“So, tonight are you going to sleep with Mason?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “That’s very personal.”
“Personal is the best way to talk with someone. You know that.”
“I do not know that and I do not agree with that. You’ve got to mind your own business a bit.”
“No, if I didn’t have my nose in someone else’s business I’d have absolutely nothing else going for me. That’s a fact.”
I sighed. “I don’t think that is true. But I might end up sleeping with him. I mean, if we kiss again and it keeps going… wow… I wonder how good that will be?”
“I hear if you fuck a guy who has money the sex is way better.”
“What? Where did you hear that nonsense?”
“I’ve heard it a few times. I’ve read it in magazine articles, seen it in television programs, and I’ve heard it on podcasts as well. It’s a fact. Sex is better with a powerful man. And power doesn’t have to mean physical, brute strength. But Mason has that, right? Didn’t he take Tyler down a peg?”
“He stood up to him which I have to admit was very attractive. It felt good watching Tyler squirm.”
“How is that prick handling the restraining order?”
“Not well, as you might have guessed. I’m just waiting for him to do something else. But if he does then he is going away for a long time.”
I didn’t tell Alice about the gun. I figured that it was something only myself and Sandra needed to know about. Alice was one of my oldest friends and in all that time I’d never kept anything this big from her. When she found out I had a gun and was taking shooting lessons with Sandra (and she would of course find it out) she was going to be a bit upset. She didn’t have a problem with guns necessarily, but she couldn’t stand to be lied to. And this wasn’t lying; it was just hiding some truth from her. I was simply choosing to not mention it. She would still be pissed. But I figured I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.
“I hope he does something,” Alice said. “Not because I wish you harm, but just something to violate the order and he would go to prison. That would make my day. What he’s done to you is not right. The guy is not stable.”
