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“Kasia. Right.”
“She’s a nice person, Alli.”
“You’d know better than me after your time together last night.”
Her voice is sharp. Nothing is sharp in Alli. I don’t know what’s going on, but something inside me is faltering.
“I’ll grab the tea.”
This is the longest it has ever taken me to prepare a cup of tea, but I need the time. Gather my thoughts. More like gathering my courage.
Maybe spilling everything out to her is exactly what we need to break through this curtain of awkward. We’ve never been this uncomfortable with each other before.
Where’s my notebook?
“Are you gathering the tea leaves from India?” she calls from the living room.
“Hahahahaha!” Yikes, that was a bit over the top. “Almost ready, just looking for something.”
Where did I put it? I was writing in it until the middle of the night. I had it in the kitchen at one point, but now, the moment I need it most to boost my courage and remind me of all the reasons why this is what I have to do.
The kettle whistles.
I’m done for.
I serve the tea with absolutely zero idea of what to say next. “It’s still too –”
“Ouch.” She rubs her lip and sets the cup down. “You haven’t told me about how everything finished yesterday.”
I was supposed to call her. I’d said in my text that I would call her, but that was before she’d shown up in the bushes. “Alli, it was great. I think this is going to move ahead, for real.”
Her shoulders relax. “I’m so happy for you.”
“And I’ve been thinking about what you said.”
“About what?” She bites her lip.
“About how I don’t take chances. About stepping up. And I think I’m going to go for it.”
Her smile is genuine. “That’s amazing, Ter-Ter. Really. I have no doubt you’ll wow their socks off.”
“You see?” I grab her knee and shake it. “This is why you have to stick with roller derby. It’s not just the skating. You’re brilliant in front of the crowd! The team loves you.”
“It’s not the same, Terence.”
“It is! You’ve got to give it another shot.”
“It’s not the same!”
“Alli-bear, please! Just give me a chance!”
Those aren’t the words I was looking for. They’re the words I meant, and I’m pretty sure I wrote those words in my notebook, but this was not the moment to blurt them out.
“Give it a chance,” I correct myself. “It.”
She sighs and grasps her forehead, moving toward the door. “Terence, I don’t know what’s happening, but it’s all a little too much for me right now. I can only handle one issue at a time, and the first one is roller derby. So please, let’s figure out what it takes to get through this weirdo stage we’re in, but later. I want things to go back the way they were. No more of this… this… stuff.”
Her words are clear as day. They are logical and reasonable. How can I argue with that? As for all those words I wrote in the notebook, I guess that’s where they’ll stay.
