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I can’t bear it. Can’t bear the weirdness, can’t bear Kasia knowing more about what’s happening in him than me, can’t bear where our friendship is going. I’m cut from head to ankle, and for what? Because the only man in this world I’ve ever loved is on a date with someone else?
Yes, that’s why. And I can’t handle it another second. Not to look at him and not to look at her. Roller derby, forget it. Kasia has taken my place in more ways than one.
I have to get out of here.
“Chat later, guys.” I wave like I’m a secondary character in a movie where the leading man is about to embrace his number one girl.
I wanted it to be me.
Run, feet, run. Get me away from this heartbreaking love story.
Terence – Friday to Saturday
Kasia’s mouth drops. “That was her.”
“Yes, it was.” Alli is booking it back toward downtown, but from the dog park, I can watch her go for three blocks.
“Do you think she heard what you said?” Kasia looks genuinely worried. She surprised me, I have to say. I thought she was going to be like those other girls who giggle and act as false as the day is long.
But when her opening line was, “So what exactly is going on between you and Alli? Because I can tell you aren’t just friends,” I was pleasantly caught off guard. I hadn’t expected to open my heart up to her, tell her about this promise from our childhood, the way things were changing between us, how my feelings were getting in the way of so-called friend status… but I did. It all flew out of me.
And then Alli showed up.
“I have a funny feeling she did.” Why else would Alli take off like the wind? Unless she’d overheard me say that I was ready to take our relationship in a different direction, and she doesn’t want it.
“Don’t jump to conclusions.” Kasia steps in front of me as Alli makes a turn in the distance, out of sight. “There’s something going on in that girl, too. I’m telling you.”
“You don’t know her.”
“I know women. And she wouldn’t say you were unavailable, meaning ‘on Thursday’. And she wouldn’t have had that look of horror when I came into the restaurant the other day. And she definitely wouldn’t have taken off like a firecracker if there wasn’t something else going on. I won’t try to guess exactly what’s happening with her because that would be pure speculation, but, Terence,” she takes my chin and turns it toward her, “if she’s the friend you say she is, then it’s time to tell her what you told me.”
“Even the bit about how I always knew that we’d end up together?”
“Especially that bit.”
My heartbeat rushes at the thought. “What if I’m wrong?”
Kasia smiles in the moonlight. “But, Terence, what if you’re right?”
* * *
I need the night to think this through. I have to find the right way, the right words. This is one time I cannot fail.
But that makes me think of exactly what Alli said to me. My fear of failure is the very thing keeping me from having what I want.
I’d thought of it as commitment to success. Something to be proud of, fly the flag of ‘I’m the guy who never fails!’
But instead, I’ve become the guy who never tries.
Being flopped in bed makes no difference. My mind is hard at work. When my instinct for self-preservation tries to keep it in check, I take a break. A cold glass of water, a cuddle with Ranger (who’s very confused by my broken nighttime routine), and I grab a notebook.
If it’s written in ink, it cannot be changed.
I note down the words, the thoughts, the feelings, all the things I want to say.
Tomorrow is the day.
* * *
