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With all the other women staring at me, I felt the need to say something was even more important since I didn’t want to leave them to fill in the blanks, especially with Mr. Levine’s lies about me in the news.
“Look, Sandra. It’s okay,” I started.
“Oh dear,” she sighed, patting her cheeks. “It’s okay,” she breathed. “I’m a grown woman. I don’t need to run away in shame. I misread the signals and tried to kiss him… in his house after we came in here without his permission,” she admitted as I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that I didn’t have to say much after all.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, clearing her throat, trying not to break eye contact with me when I could tell she wanted to rush back through the door.
“It’s okay. You didn’t misread the signals. It’s just that… I uh… I’m seeing somebody,” I said, with a head shrug.
The words didn’t come out right. I wasn’t sure what Tiffany and I were at the moment. She claimed me as one of her men on national television. We slept together after I told myself once again that I wouldn’t, and I ran away because the guilt of the consequences of my actions made it hard to breathe and swallow.
But whatever we were had changed me. And I wasn’t sure if I liked it if that meant I could no longer give in to the recklessness and curse all the consequences just to be in her bed again. Or be with someone else if I couldn’t have her.
It would have been easier to fuck Sandra in the kitchen. Old Anthony would have been able to do so without guilt. And while it wouldn’t have helped me erase the image of Tiffany, it would’ve made it just a tiny bit easier to sleep tonight if only because it would tire me out.
Old Anthony was slipping away, and the newer version taking his place wasn’t someone I was accustomed to. Simply put, I didn’t know who I was anymore. The change was terrifying; old Anthony was my identity forever. Being Anthony meant running away from the seriousness and the difficulties of anything. Be it the memories from my childhood or the day to day of my work, friends, attractions, whatever.
I’d know what to do to make it through the day. The answer was always a quick fix. Maybe some drinking. If I wanted a clear head and didn’t want to be hungover, some fucking. But now, here I was with a willing woman in my home, and I was more lost than I’d ever been. What was this current Anthony supposed to do now? Maybe new Anthony could drink. But drinking didn’t give me the same kind of high that sex did. Honestly, I’d be glad if I never saw the bottom of an empty glass ever again after today.
So, what was I supposed to do? Sit with it. Sit with the agonizing pain of loss, confusion, loneliness, hope, desire, need, fear, and guilt? My heart beat with a tender ache as if I’d been punched in the chest a few hours ago and was feeling the aftermath.
“It’s not you,” I said to Sandra to reassure her. I wasn’t lying. It wasn’t her. It was just thatshewasn’t HER. “You’re beautiful, and you’re sexy. I’m just…” I started.
“Heartbroken?” Gwen finished.
I nodded.
“Is that why you were so reckless today?” she asked.
Running a hand through my hair, I sighed.
Sandra smiled. “Thanks for not making me feel like crap. And we’re so sorry for barging in,” she said, eyeing Gwen.
That brought a grin out of me.
“Whoever she is, she’s a lucky girl,” Sandra said with a wink before walking away.
“Oh, I’m not sure about that,” I said in response.
She didn’t hear me, whispering to Gwen, “I’ll be in the car.” The other women filed out after her, but Gwen remained for a bit.
“Hey, you sure you’re going to be all right?” she asked, moving to stand in the doorway, studying me as if she was scared to leave.
I smiled. “I’m sure. Thanks a lot.”
She was about to turn away when she paused and looked back at me.
“Look, I don’t know who this woman is, and I don’t know what you’re going through. But going by what could’ve happened today if we didn’t stop you just in time, I want you to know that you’re never alone even if it feels like you are. No matter how low you get, don’t judge yourself too harshly. Even in your darkest moments, there’s something in it you can learn. And what you learn can transform the rest of your life. Try to pull something out of the lesson that will turn your life into something that helps you rather than ruin you,” Gwen said.
“Thank you,” I said, though her words just sounded like a bunch of rambling to me. Like too many inspirational quotes wrapped into one. Too confusing to understand as if she were saying a lot without saying anything at all. But I got her intention. She was trying to be nice, and she wanted to make sure I’d be fine, so I reassured her. “I’ll be okay.”
“You’re sure?” she asked.
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Come here,” she said, opening her arms wide.
Not wanting to be rude, I went in for a casual hug, keeping my distance, but her arms wrapped around me warmly. “You’re going to be okay,” she said.
