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“Astria. Baby girl,” I whisper to her softly. “She did good, didn’t she?” I smile down at her.
Gia might have been scared in the beginning, but she didn’t let that stop her. She’s read every book. She’s researched every article and published study she could get her hands on. Not that any of that prepares you for the moment they hand over a living breathing human to you and expect you to know how to keep it alive. But she prepared for this baby in the best way she knew how. All the while taking classes for her degree and starting her own business. I’m not even sure she knows that I know about her photography business, but I’ve been paying attention. I’ve always paid attention to her. I’m so damn proud of her.
“I never doubted she would. Your mama is so strong, and you will be too because she’s going to raise you. We’re both going to raise you.” I run my fingers over her soft hair. She’s so tiny compared to my big hand.
“I need to make you a promise, Astria. My daddy left before I was born. He left before he ever saw me.” My eyes fill with tears as I finally get to tell my daughter the words I’ve held in my heart for the last nine months. Words that she doesn’t understand…but she will. I will show her.
“I promise that I will never leave you, baby girl. I promise that I will always be there for you. I will be your biggest fan in life. I will help you face every trial. Sure, I might let you fail a time or two. But I’ll be there waiting for you at the end when you finally figure it out, and you will figure it out. I don’t have all the answers, but I promise to try so damn hard for you.” I rock back and forth rhythmically.
“Your mama, Gia, she’s amazing. She’s stubborn as hell, but she’s…she’s so good. The two of us go way back. We’ve been friends since, I guess, forever. This situation we’ve gotten ourselves into is kind of a weird one. Just issuing a fair warning. It might be chaotic, but I promise your mama and I are in this for the long haul.” Gia murmurs something in her sleep and I hold my breath. I hope I haven’t woken her. She rolls over with her eyes closed and her breathing evens out, and I’m finally able to relax back into my one-sided conversation again. I allow my heart rate to return to normal. I have to get this off my chest. I need her to know.
“I promise, Astria. You will remember me. I promise to be here with you until the day I die.” A lone tear falls from my cheek and lands on her tiny fingers.
There was a saying my mama used to tell me growing up – don’t put all your eggs in one basket. That saying seems kind of silly in the wake of something this monumental. All my hopes and dreams are wrapped up in this tiny pink blanket. The moment that sweet baby whose been your every fear and every hope is thrust into your arms – every egg I ever had is here. My life is changed forever.
“I’m betting my future on you, Astria. I’m betting on a future with you…and with Gia. I’m all in. I promise to love you forever, sweet girl.”
∞∞∞
GIA
“Gia, baby, your brother’s been sitting in the parking lot for hours.” Mama paces the hardwood floor next to my hospital bed.
Astria and I should be discharged this afternoon, and then I can go home. I’ve never been so ready to be home. We’ve only had a handful of visitors, but even that feels like too much. I just want to be in my own space with Damien and our baby; just the three of us.
It’s so strange to think that we’re truly a family now.
I tuck Astria against my chest as she suckles on my sore breasts. My boobs hurt like a bitch. My poor vagina is never going to recover, I’m certain of it. Everything aches and hurts in places that no human should ever have to ache and hurt.
Ya know, it’s amazing how quickly you forget all of those things the instant your baby looks up into your eyes, and you realize you did this - you created life. It’s all worth it.
Or at least that’s what I repeat over and over again every time she latches and unlatches. Dammit, man, boob pain was not in the owner’s manual.
“No,” I answer resolutely, looking up from Astria’s sixth breakfast – or is it still dinner -to meet my mama’s eyes.
This was his choice. I could be the bigger person. But I won’t, I can’t. I don’t have it in me.
“No? You’re serious? You won’t at least let him…” Her voice trails off, but my resolve only strengthens.
I see the sadness building in her eyes, but it doesn’t compare to the heartbreak I felt that day. Or the heartbreak I continue to feel every time I replay the events of that afternoon as if they were just last night.
Tyler is my big brother; I idolized him. He was the one person who was always supposed to have my back. And he didn’t. I’m not ready to forgive him for that. He doesn’t get a free pass because we share blood.
“Mama, I said no. Please respect my decision about this.” I don’t falter in my words. I don’t hesitate. I knew this moment would come, and this decision is one that I’m certain of.
I’m responsible for the tiny human in my arms, and I won’t allow a toxic environment to invade her peace.
“It’s his niece, Gia. The two of you haven’t spoken in months. Don’t you think it’s time you put this behind you and move on? For all of us? I can’t stand this.” She continues, and it bothers me that she won’t let this go. This isn’t her decision to make.
This is my baby. This is my family. This is my choice. I love my mama. I respect her opinion, but my family and my mental health come first.
“You weren’t there, Mama. You weren’t in that room. I’m sorry, but you can’t understand where I’m coming from. And that’s okay, but I need you to support my decision. This is my family, and if he can’t support that, he’s not welcome here. I will not have that kind of negativity around Astria.” I try to maintain an even tone even though I can feel myself getting upset. I’ve read enough to know that Astria can feel my distress. I need to calm down.
“You know he meant no harm. This is my fault. Your brother was just trying to protect you. I should have never let him take on so much responsibility so young.”
My heart sinks. This isn’t her fault at all. She has to know that.
“What? No. Daddy died and we all had to pull together in our own way to get through it. We survived. Not to sound brash, but people die every day. That’s no excuse for the hateful things Tyler said to me that day, or to Damien.” I don’t want to sound hateful, but it’s not fair to use the death of our father as an excuse for Tyler’s barbaric behavior.
