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“Hello, Quinn, I’m Doctor Price. I’ll be your anesthesiologist today, and this is Robin, your nurse anesthetist.”
“Hi,” Quinn says in the meekest voice I have ever heard from her.
“You met your surgeon and signed a consent with her already, correct?” Dr. Price asks, looking at the paperwork on the table in the room, and Quinn nods in response.
“Okay, perfect, we are going to go over our plan for putting you to sleep and answer any questions either of you may have. Can you open your mouth as wide as you can and move your neck up and down, please?”
Quinn does as he asks. “Great range of motion. Looks like an uncomplicated airway.”
“We were able to get some of your medical records over from New York Presbyterian, but we didn’t receive everything.” The way Quinn shifts uncomfortably as he speaks has unease swarming in my belly.
“Did you have any complications with anesthesia during your D&C? There is mention of the miscarriage and a surgical note from the OBGYN that performed your surgery but no anesthesia record from that day.”
Wait, what?
Miscarriage? When?
I wait with bated breath… hoping her eyes find mine and reassure me while telling the doctor that this information isn’t true.
But that never happens. I felt her wall go up the minute her pain was under-control earlier and now it feels unbreakable. Like we have jumped back in time, and now I’m more confused than ever.
The doctors get her to sign the documents needed for anesthesia consent, and a nurse comes in to do a safety check with the paperwork and the anesthesia team. All while I sit there in the same room, yet so far away.
“Now is a good time for hugs, kisses, and see you laters.”
I stare at Quinn, who has tried her best to keep her gaze away from mine… knowing I can read her like a book.
How did I not know about this?
No matter how confused I am in this moment, my main priority is her.
“Queenie… baby, look at me.” She finally looks up, and the scared look on her face has my stomach plummeting. I don’t know if she’s worried about the surgery or the conversation we will have once this is all behind us.
I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my throat as I take in the pain etched on her face.
No… please God. No.The look confirms what I know in my heart. I choke down the emotions threatening to roar from within me.
I press my lips to her forehead as I get ahold of myself.
“I love you, Q… no matter what. I’ll be waiting on you.”
Tears stream down her cheeks as she grabs ahold of my face, placing her forehead to mine. “I’m sorry, Eli… I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“Shh, shh, baby. There is nothing to be sorry about.” Trying to soothe her, I gently run my fingers through her hair.
“I’m going to give you something to relax you… you’ll feel like you had a few of your favorite cocktails,” the nurse anesthetist interrupts, most likely thinking Quinn is just anxious about her surgery.
“Tequila… She’s a tequila girl,” I say, smiling down at Quinn, wanting to ease her mind the best I can while my own reels with so many questions.
I lean down, kissing her one more time.
“I love you, Hotshot,” she murmurs as her facial expression becomes relaxed.
* * *
Quinn
The confused look on Eli’s face from last night is ingrained in my brain, torturing me on repeat. I feel like I’m right back there in that very dark place… a place I lived in for the longest time.
