AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The 1961 Ferrari slides out of the garage and into the twilight, wheels meeting the black asphalt and smoothly taking me away from the house that is full of so much anguish for me right now. Beneath the moonlight, driving, my thoughts become clear, even if that clarity hurts in a different way.
There is a possibility that is tugging at the back of my mind, almost too disturbing to consider. But the more I pour over the facts, the clearer it all becomes.
I recall the countless times my father insisted that I treat Karl as family, urging me to take him under my wing. It was a strange request, one that I never quite understood until now.
Each recollection resurfaces and brings with them the undeniable fact that my father has been manipulating me into interacting with my half-brother all this time. My father’s insistence, his unwavering encouragement to forge a bond with Karl, begins to make sense. The truth dawns on me like a striking revelation: Karl must be my father’s secret, the hidden son, the result of an affair that I was oblivious to until a little more than an hour ago. The weight of that truth makes me feel ill.
My grip on the steering wheel tightens as I feel a burst of rage, betrayal, and disbelief. How could the man I so revered, my father, betray me in such a fundamental way? I feel a boiling resentment at the idea that he planned this intricate charade and manipulated my feelings. He even controlled the way I viewed and treated Karl, without me being any the wiser.
I replay the conversations, the moments shared with the up and coming salesman, through a new lens. The two of us talking on the balcony before the tragic hunt where we heard about the car explosion, Karl being the first one to come and see my father at the hospital…all of these moments that made me think of Karl as a friend. Is it possible that he knows, on some level, that he’s more to my father and I than just a mere employee?
As the memories come together, the secret reality that I had been blind to is revealed. My father’s wish for me to accept Karl as family and embrace him was not motivated by kindness or a sincere relationship. It was a planned action to keep his illegitimate son, the one that he kept secret for the child’s entire existence, nearby and concealed within the fabric of our lives.
Memories of times spent with Karl that now have significant weight to them flash across my mind. Shared chuckles and talks with hidden meanings all mirrored a deceptively hidden truth. The realization that my father’s emphasis on a bond with Karl was a subliminal request for me to accept my own half-brother shocks me. Dad would have never told me who Karl was, but he couldn’t resist pushing the two of us together.
The weight of this newly acquired knowledge hits me hard as I travel through familiar neighborhoods and then out into the countryside. I guess I’m mourning the destroyed image of my father and the family I thought I knew. I hadn’t even thought to ask my father whether Mom knew about Karl or not, but I’m sure there’s no way she did. There was distance between my parents at the end, but never the kind of distance that would have clued me into a long-ago affair having been discovered.
God, I miss her so much. I wish I could speak to Mom right now. She was the only one that would ever listen to me quietly and give me advice untinged by her own opinions. Now I feel utterly alone, with no one to even vent my tragedies to.
With my mother on my mind, and lost in the depths of anguish, I find myself drawn to a place that I haven’t visited since the funeral—a solemn sanctuary that holds the remains of my beloved family. I might not be able to hear my mother’s comforting words, full of love, guiding me in my decisions, but there is one way I can still speak to her, at least.
It isn’t too far away, but driving those roads brings me back to the day we buried my mother and sister. It was early afternoon then, but even with the change in daylight, the route makes a lump appear in my throat. Saying goodbye to my family was the worst day of my life, and as Dad and I had been driven home, I remember thinking that I would never come back to the cemetery. That I would never be strong enough to stand in front of those grave markers again. Yet, here I am. I feel sorrow, so heavy and thick, but there is also a sense of relief knowing that I can return to the graves…that I’ve healed enough to do that, even if it isn’t much.
The tranquility and silence of the cemetery stands in stark contrast to the raging storm inside me. I pull into a parking spot, clicking the engine off, and exit into the gloomy silence.
As I make my way through the rows of tombstones, a kaleidoscope of memories floods my mind. I recall the vibrant laughter of my mother, Dina, her warm embrace wrapping around me like a protective shield. The loss of her love still reverberates within me, an ache that refuses to fade. My annoying, amusing brother Freddie, who never seemed to experience any sort of bad days. And, of course, my curious, reserved sister Adriana. The lack of them, the space they left, will never be truly filled in my heart.
The grass of the cemetery is soft beneath my shoe as I seek out my family’s plots. My footsteps slow as I approach their final resting place, the familiar names etched in stone before me. The graves of my family stand as a stark reminder of the void they left behind. A pang of guilt seizes my heart, squeezing tightly, as I realize the extent of my own flaws and mistakes.
Kneeling down before the graves, I feel the coolness of the earth beneath my knees, grounding me in this moment of raw vulnerability. Tears spill from my eyes, mingling with the soil, as I begin to speak, words coming out strangled with sorrow and grief that is still so fresh.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I breathe, the words carried away in the breeze. “I miss you. I miss Dad. I miss our family.” The weight of my confession hangs heavy in the air, the truth of my pain laid bare before them. “I should be the one lying here, not you.”
Images flash through my mind, fragments of memories that intertwine with my deepest regrets. The hospital room, suffused with the scent of antiseptic and despair, where my father lay weak and frail. His voice, soft and barely audible, pleading with me to look after Karl—the brother I never knew, the one who was deemed unworthy of our family name. I hate him, and at the same time, feel this distant sadness that I never knew him when we were younger and would have had a chance to form a true bond. It’s too late now.
Kneeling beside their graves, a mix of anger and grief wells up within me. The pain of my father’s betrayal, the weight of his secrets, and the knowledge that I’m the last of his legitimate children, and as such, the only one to carry the burden of his decades of lies.
How can the man that was the strong, unmovable pillar of strength my entire childhood be a liar, cheater, and manipulator? At the same time, he’s dying, literally of a broken heart, and I still love him so much that I can’t put it into words. Fuck, nothing makes sense anymore!
But amidst the turmoil is the thought of someone who does care for me, someone whose intentions are pure and who still hasn’t given up on me, even when I let her go. The thought of Julia is like a fire inside me. It is a flame fueled by the love that still resides within me. I refuse to let the darkness consume me entirely. I will rise above my circumstances and forge my own path, regardless of the shadows that haunt my bloodline. Dad has put me through hell, and I’ll be damned if I walk the path he has forced on me without the woman I love by my side.
In the quiet of the graveyard, I make a silent vow—to honor the memory of my family, to find the strength within myself to navigate the treacherous waters that lie ahead, and to stop neglecting my own desires, wants, and needs. With a heavy heart and a renewed sense of purpose, I rise from the ground, leaving behind the memories of my confession in the wind.
“I miss you three so much,” I say in place of yet another goodbye. “And I love you. Always.”
I move away from where they are laid to rest with a renewed sense of resolve. I have to be fearless if I’m going to tackle the uncertain, difficult, and question-filled road ahead. I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this vulnerable situation. The spirits of my mother and siblings are with me in a way, but in reality, there is someone waiting for me, too.
My sweet Julia.
I take out my phone and dial Julia’s number, my fingers trembling with a mix of anxiety and anticipation. The phone rings once, twice, and on the third ring, she answers. Julia’s sweetness, a lifeline in this sea of chaos, fills my ears.
“Seb?” she says, her voice laced with concern. “What’s wrong?”
Tears well up in my eyes, and I struggle to steady myself. The urge to spill my heart and soul out to her is strong. “Julia,” I manage to say, my words cracking with emotion. “Julia. I know the truth now. I know why my dad wanted me to break up with you.”
There is a momentary silence on the other end of the line, as if she is absorbing the weight of my revelation. Then, she speaks, her words filled with sadness and hope as they come through the phone.
“Oh, Seb, I’m so sorry.”
