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I let out a sigh, knowing that I can’t avoid dinner any longer. As much as I want to stay locked up in my room, I can already tell that my mother is going to win this battle. It’s her house, and therefore her rules, no matter what. I know she will keep nagging me until I show up. I take a deep breath and make my way to the door, opening it to find my younger sister standing there with a sympathetic look on her face.
“If it was up to me I would have left you alone, but you know how she is,” she says as she observes me attentively. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head and let out a small laugh. “Not really, but I guess I have to face the music sooner or later.”
Maud nods, understandingly. “Yeah, Mom’s not going to let you hide away forever. She’s already got her attention focused on you, so it’s better to just get it over with I would think.”
I roll my eyes. “Of course. No peace for me, I guess.”
Maud takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Come on, Ju, let’s go downstairs. Maybe some food will make you feel better.”
Affection stirs for my young sister. At least I know she isn’t unaware about how mom is manipulating her, and feels some remorse for it. “I doubt it, but there’s no reason to have her getting on your case just because I’m not complying. Let’s go.”
I let her lead me down the stairs, my mind still lost in thoughts of what Alex said. Elopement. Will I ever be able to let that impossible idea go? Even if it was an option at one point, I think that it’s passed by now.
Approaching the dining room, I can hear the chatter and laughter of my family. The closer we get, the more anxious I become. What will they say when they see me? Will they try to talk to me about Sebastian? I don’t think I can handle that right now, especially from Mom.
Maud gives my hand another squeeze before letting go and heading over to the table. I take a deep breath and force myself to follow her. As soon as I step into the room, all eyes turn to me, and I can feel the weight of their stares. Everyone falls silent as I try to ignore the awkwardness and take my seat.
Dinner is the last place I want to be. There’s a delectable pork roast with an orange glaze being carved and served, along with a fresh salad and roasted potatoes, but to me it all looks terrible. The evening hangs over me like a dark cloud.
My mother is trying to be cheerful, but it only makes me feel more uneasy. She gives me a motherly hug as I circle the table, which I find incredibly odd. Mom is not an overly affectionate person.
“So glad you could join us,” she tells me, squeezing me close. “I was afraid you were going to shun us all night.”
“You didn’t give me much of a choice, but I’m here,” I grumble, but hug her back so I don’t cause a scene with the rest of the family here.
Maud has gone to sit next to my youngest sister Yara, who is already seated and chatting away. Usually I would want to catch up with both of them, but I can’t bring myself to join in.
Alex’s making small talk with Mom and the girls, but I can tell he's doing it out of obligation rather than genuine interest. Anything to keep the peace, I guess. I'm a bit off, lost in my thoughts and still mourning the loss of Sebastian. But then my mother drags me reluctantly back into the conversation before I can find a way to avoid it.
“You know Julia, tomorrow I’m going for tea at the Van Lawicks. Tom will be there with his younger brother Elliot. Would you like to join?”
Tom, the boring guy that she all but forced me to interact with at the ball. I try to contain a laugh at the mention of his name, but it comes out as a bitter scoff instead. My mother's obliviousness astounds me. She knows I don’t want to see him, let alone spend an afternoon with him. I can’t imagine a worse fate.
“No, thanks, Mom.” I reply, trying to keep myself steady and even.
She’s relentless, though. Like always. “It’s Elliot’s birthday and a lot of young people will be there. Maud and Yara are coming. Are you sure you don’t want to join?”
I shake my head. The thought of having tea time with Tom and his family is unbearable. But then, a new thought occurs to me. If I don't go, I’ll be stuck here with nothing to do but study. Which normally would be equally as boring, but as of right now it feels like the perfect excuse to stay home. Surely my mother wouldn’t want me to neglect my education.
While fumbling for a response that will end the conversation as quickly as possible, my eyes light upon my brother, and I realize that she didn’t mention him going, either. Maybe this is a way out. If Alex doesn’t have to go, why should I?
“What about you Alex, aren’t you going?” I ask, suddenly curious.
“I've got a hunt with Jan and a few of his pals,” he replies between bites of roast.
Of course, Alex has plans. He always does. I turn back to my plate, my appetite gone. The thought of spending the day alone in my room studying seems like the only option, but there is also a sense of dread at the thought. Studying is one thing…but it also means being alone with my thoughts. And all of my thoughts lately are of Sebastian.
I shake my head, pushing food around my plate. “I’m good, Mom. I’ve got some schoolwork that I was planning on using the weekend to catch up on. I have a few big projects due, so…”
She thins her lips, all but glaring at me, but I see her square her shoulder and let the subject go, turning to Maud to talk. It’s unlike her to give up so easily, but if Mom has decided to respect my decisions finally, I’m not going to second guess it. I shift my attention back to my dinner and eat, even though it’s tasteless to me. If I’m occupied with chewing, maybe Mom won’t address me again.
Dinner finishes with relatively little drama, and I pat my mouth with the cloth napkin before standing and pivoting to go back to my bedroom. I’ve got a lavender essential oil bath on my mind, hoping that it will help me relax, and I’m so lost in thought about it that I don’t hear Mom the first time she addresses me.
“—in the library?” I catch, and turn, seeing that she’s looking at me.
“Uh, sorry Mom, I didn’t catch that. What did you say?”
