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The drive to the cemetery is short, and by the time we arrive, the clouds have fully departed and the warm sun gives the place an oddly cheerful appearance. The funeral procession has already arrived, and as the cab pulls up and out of the way, I can see Sebastian helping his father out of the lead car. The older man looks so unfamiliar that I do a double take. He looks to have aged decades in just days.
There are far fewer people here for the burial, for which I’m thankful. The taxi driver seems annoyed, so I send him off, figuring that if the worst happens, I can just call another one, but I’m determined not to leave without at least having a minute alone with Sebastian. He can’t avoid me forever, even if I feel silly and unwelcome here.
Despite the soft yellow sunshine that feels pleasant on my bare arms, the crowd huddled around the empty graves is surrounded by a pocket of coldness, as if their grief is bleeding off of them and into the air. I stand barely behind Sebastian and his father, and up close, leaning heavily on a cane, I can barely contain my shock. He looks so frail, like he could collapse at any moment.
Sebastian and his father move to the edge of the open graves, their faces etched with pain and grief. I know I should stay back, but I can’t stop myself from moving forward with them, unseen, wanting to be close, and also feeling heartbroken myself.
The priest speaks the final part of the sermon, his droning voice carrying over the soft sobs and sniffles from the shell-shocked group around me. When Sebastian embraces his father who breaks down and cries in his arms, my own tears flow freely, and I hate that I have to witness this pain. Then, I hate myself for being so weak that I can’t even hold it together for Sebastian, like I know I need to. I dash the tears away, feeling Sebastian’s eyes on me as he finally notices my presence.
Anguish reaches a fever pitch as the caskets are lowered into the ground, so inescapable that it’s hard to breathe. In front of the graves, a few other men joins them. I feel like an intruder, but I can’t bring myself to leave. The scene is heart-wrenching, and it seems to drag on forever, like we’re in purgatory. Finally, Sebastian turns away from the graves and excuses himself. I realize this might be my only chance to speak to him…he might not want to talk to me right now, but I can’t just leave him alone in his misery.
Without hesitation, I walk towards him, my heart heavy with the weight of everything that has happened. We embrace wordlessly, holding onto each other as if our lives depend on it. Sebastian takes a shuddering breath, his face buried in my neck, before pulling back so slowly that I think he won’t be able to let me go at all.
Now, Sebastian takes me by the arm and leads me behind one of the small gray stone mausoleums. We are the only two back here, everyone else either departing or lingering around the graves as they are filled. When Sebastian turns to me, cupping my face in his hands and looking down at me, I can see the pain in his eyes, and I want to take it all away, to make him smile and laugh like he used to.
“Julia,” he starts, his voice gravelly and strained. “You shouldn’t be here. I told you to stay safe.”
“Of course I should be here!” I reply, affronted, while keeping my voice low enough so as not to draw attention. “I want to be here for you. You don’t have to cut me out of your life just because you’re going through hell, you know. We can go through it together.”
“Together?” he laughs darkly, head shaking. “For what, exactly? Whoever did this–” he motions with both hands back towards the graves. “Isn’t going to stop until I’m dead. Julia, I really like you. You’re a sweet girl, but–”
“But you think you are too dangerous for me? Is that what you think?” I narrow my eyes at him, annoyance cutting through the thick negativity of the moment. I can’t believe he’s trying to brush me off like this after all the waiting I’ve been doing for him! I could slap him, except…I want to kiss him, instead.
Sebastian pinches the bridge of his nose, frustration rolling off him in waves. “I will only bring you pain and suffering, and you don’t deserve that. Plus, my dad needs me more than ever. Willem has already been dropping hints that I might need to take over the company sooner rather than later. I’m…fuck, Julia. I’m just not the right guy for you.”
“I don’t agree with that–” I try to insist, flustered, but he holds a hand up before talking over me.
“My mom and siblings just got killed for fuck’s sake,” Sebastian’s words seem to explode out of him, like he doesn’t want to speak them out loud, but can’t hold them in any longer. The volume and vehemence in his voice makes me flinch. “God knows what else is going to happen, and staying with me will only put you in harm’s way. I refuse to have that happen.”
I start shaking my head before he’s even finished, stubbornness rising up in me. Who does he think he is, to try and tell me what to do? If he doesn’t want me as a lover, or as a wife even, that doesn’t mean I’m going to just disappear. I’m remaining in his life one way or another…he needs me. “What if I just stay around as a friend? I can’t just go home when you’re here in this state. Let me be here for you, Sebastian, please.”
He opens his mouth to speak, and his expression tells me that he plans to argue, but before he can, a tall, thin young man walks around the mausoleum into our view. He’s dressed for the funeral, but his shoulders are hunched and he looks sheepish, probably at having to interrupt what is obviously a very personal moment between Sebastian and I. Behind him there are two much larger men, clearly security guards, and it’s a stark reminder that Sebastian is in danger every minute of every day now until the killer is caught.
“Seb,” the thinner man says. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but we have to make that meeting with your dad, remember?”
I can see Sebastian flush with annoyance, but he doesn’t look back at me as he responds. “Of course. I’m coming now. Can you, ah…give us a second?”
The man nods before he leaves, but both security guards remain, lingering close by but with their heads turned away to give us an illusion of privacy. It puts my hackles up in an instant, but I can’t tell Sebastian to dismiss them when there are assassins after him.
He turns to me now, and his expression softens. The wind kicks up gently, and brings me the scent of his cologne and skin, and I want nothing more than to take him home with me, pull the curtains shut, and hold him in the darkness so he can spill out all the horrible things that he’s holding deep inside. My Sebastian…how do we recover from this?
With a heavy sigh, he pulls me into another embrace, this one lacking the urgency of before but instead full of unsaid things. Sebastian is trying to tell me, without speaking, how much he wants and needs me, how much he doesn’t want to leave right now, and I hope I’m conveying the exact same things. Our time here is too short, too steeped in agony. I want more. I want to spend my time running my fingers over the new lines in his face and see if I can put this man that I love back into one piece.
I’ll work forever, if that’s what it’s going to take.
Finally, after a small eternity that still isn’t long enough, he pulls back and speaks. “I’ll get you a car and you’ll go home, alright? Tell your mom I send her my regards.”
Looking up at him, I frown. “I’m not going home. I will wait for you at your place, but I don’t want to go home.”
I can see him waver as his eyes travel up and down my body, lingering on my lips before he meets my eyes once more. For a few brilliant seconds, I think that he’s going to agree and take me with him, but then we hear his father speaking to someone on the other side of the mausoleum, and his face shutters once more. I’ve lost him. “Home, Julia. I will come to see you there, I promise.”
“When?” I demand.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. The same soft gesture he did the first time we met. “When the time is right.”
Not good enough. I need something more concrete than that. “And when exactly is–”
“Can I have a photo of the two of you?” I hear someone ask, turning to see a photographer with a camera looped around his neck. Annoyance surges in me at being interrupted again, but Sebastian nods. I want to scream, knowing that he’s going to use this break in the tension between us to try and get his way, making me leave.
