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The air is heavy with the scent of burning candles and incense as I look out at the sea of faces, seeing tears streaming down a great many cheeks, and hear the occasional sniffle or sob.
“We have to walk, Sebastian,” Dad says in a low voice at my side, and it’s now that I notice that he’s shaking with the effort that it takes to stand. How long have I been standing here, in a trance?
“Sorry,” I mumble, putting a steadying hand on his arm as we make our way down the aisle. I see members of the families my dad has business with among the distant relatives that have decided to attend, and they are all eager to offer their condolences and support. But my dad remains stoic and unyielding, his focus fixed on the task at hand–surviving the day.
Finally, the ceremony begins. The mournful notes of the organ fill the air, the choir's voices blending in perfect harmony, but the beauty is lost on Dad and I, sitting in the front row, all too close to those awful caskets. The priest's words are supposed to offer comfort and reassurance, reminding us that although our loved ones are gone, they will always be with us in spirit, so why doesn’t it feel that way? I don’t feel them with us…not at all.
Fuck, I really don’t want to be here.
A few people speak; aunts, uncles, and friends, but I tune them all out, focusing on the speech I have to make in just mere minutes. I’m the last one supposed to speak, and I know that what I have to say will be what everyone remembers most. The lone survivor who was supposed to die instead…it’s a role I never imagined I would have to take on.
People speak for what must be hours, the shuffling, unsettling energy of the crowd clueing me in despite time sliding by for me, but once the last speaker descends the podium and it’s my turn, everyone goes quiet.
Steeling my resolve, I stand, straightening my suit and taking a deep breath as I walk the three stairs to the podium. It would be so easy to pretend to lose my nerve and leave, all the words I’ve practiced never being spoken, but Mom and my siblings deserve so much more than that. Decided, I look out at the crowd, feeling a surge of determination.
“Thank you all for coming. I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that this is the hardest day of my life, but everything I’m about to say is important.” Everyone’s eyes are round and fixed, and there is an eerie silence in the room.
“I need to tell all of you something,” I say, my voice firm. “The media has already reported this, and I’m sure it was glaringly obvious to most as soon as it happened but…” Now the crowd stirs, murmurs moving over the pews, and I lick my lips before continuing. My mouth has never felt drier. “I was the target of the explosion. Not my mother, not my brother or sister. It was me they were after.”
The murmurs in the crowd grow louder, and I can see the shock on some of their faces and grim acknowledgment on others. But I don’t falter. I continue, my voice steady.
“But let me be clear. Whoever did this will be brought to justice. We will not rest until they are held accountable for their actions.”
I take a moment to compose myself before speaking again. Having the truth out in the open feels like a weight has lifted off me, but it provides no relief from the sorrow. It would be effortless to give in and break down right now, but one look at my father, his face set like stone, forces me to collect myself.
“I know this comes as no surprise to anyone that has lost someone they love, but I have wished it was me in that car a million times over. I would have sacrificed myself for any one of them, and the loss of all three of them…Well, it’s unimaginable. Unfathomable, and at the same time, all too real. During this time, the most painful part of my life, I wish I could turn to my mother, but she is gone. My beautiful mother…Heraldina, she was the most loyal and kind woman I have ever known. She was always holding her head high, no matter the adversity, and her love for us was always so crystal clear to me. I remember how she never showed weakness in front of us, even when my siblings and I were driving her mad, and as an adult, I can now see how much willpower that must have taken.”
There are nods in the crowd, some people tapping their eyes with the corners of handkerchiefs.
“And my sister, Adriana,” I continue, my voice cracking slightly. “She was just like my mother, but less composed. Fiery, even.” A few people chuckle, nodding in agreement. “She dreamt of being an architect and had even started planning a new estate for our family, even bigger than the one we had. Of course, she planned her own wing, and it was the grandest of them all, and we teased her for it. Looking back, I wish we had just built the damned thing right away. Exactly the way she wanted. Adriana deserved it all.”
My throat tightens as I think of my younger brother. This one is the hardest of them all, because it was my acquiescence to him that set this whole tragedy into motion. “And of course, Freddie. He loved cars and had begged me to let him drive mine when I was out in Hungary. I had always said no, until that day. The day I regret more than anything else in my life.” I swallow hard, the sea of people in front of me blurring as unwanted tears fill my eyes. “He insisted so much, and I gave in,” I fess out, my voice barely above a whisper, the microphone the only reason anyone can even hear me at this point.
My words stick in my throat, and for a moment in time I think I really am going to have to flee the stand, but as I struggle to speak, my gaze flickers up and I see Julia walking inside the cathedral, standing at the end of the aisle. My heart aches to see her, her hands smoothing down the front of her black dress and honey-colored hair pulled back, she’s so pure that she doesn’t belong in this house of death. Seeing her, though, gives me the strength to continue. I don’t want her to see me falter.
“But their deaths will not be in vain,” I proceed, my voice rising and echoing off the ancient stone walls. “Whoever did it doesn’t know what we’re capable of. The Van den Bosch family will not sit silently by while the ones we love are killed in cold blood. No matter how long it takes, we will find the murderers. I give you all my word.”
I turn to my dad, who is sitting in the front row, his face etched with grief. I give him a small nod, silently telling him that we will get through this together. And with that, I step away from the podium, feeling a sense of resolve wash over me. We will find justice for my family, even if it’s the last thing that I ever do.
Adrenaline is coursing through my veins as I move back to my seat, but my speech signals the end of the mass, and the rest of the crowd begins to stand and mingle as they make their way toward the door. There will be a short pause before we go to the cemetery, and I want to use it to speak to Julia, to tell her that she doesn’t have to be here, but my father grabs my sleeve and there is no way I can leave him now in his time of need.
“You shouldn’t have spoken of revenge like that,” he tells me as I sit down on the pew next to him again. “You’re just putting another target on your back. There’s a chance that whoever planted that car bomb would lay low or even be satisfied after what happened and leave us be, but if you go around screaming that we’re out for blood, then we will never know peace, son.”
“I know that you’re right in some ways, Dad, but I’m never going to know peace either way, and at least if I find justice then I know whoever did this didn’t win. I want them to suffer like we have, don’t you?”
Dad shakes his head, leaning forward on his cane, hands wrapped around the marble knob. “I don’t want revenge, Sebastian. I feel almost nothing now. Just empty, except for the love I have for you, my son. Don’t be rash.”
I refuse to believe that my father would really rather that I leave this travesty alone. “Soon you won’t be thinking like this. You’ll be angry, like I am, it will just take some time. So I’m not going to make you any promises right now. Let me help you up, we need to get to the car.”
People want to speak to us as we exit the cathedral, but I brush them off, only looking for Julia as I assist my father outside into the sunlight. It seems almost inappropriate that it should be such a beautiful day, but at least we won’t be laying my mother, brother, and sister to rest under a dreary sky. Mom always loved the sun.
Julia is nowhere to be found, and there is no time to search for her further, so I usher my father to the waiting car with curses running through my mind. I’ll have to call her later and apologize for not being able to speak with her, but that will come after a stiff drink or ten once this all is over.
The drive to the cemetery is another silent one. Most of the business acquaintances that were at the mass departed, and it’s only family members traveling in a somber caravan to the place of burial, following behind three black hearses carrying so many parts of my heart. Dad’s jaw is set so stiffly that I’m afraid his teeth will shatter, but I don’t mention it. I can’t…if I open my mouth, I’m afraid nothing will come up but sobs and that’s the last thing my father needs.
The cemetery is a peaceful and serene place, nestled in the rolling hills of green grass and wildflowers. The entrance was marked by a simple wrought-iron gate, which opened onto a winding path lined with towering trees, the line of cars following it at a crawl. We step out of the car and are immediately greeted by the warm sun on our skin while the sound of leaves rustling in the gentle breeze provides calming background noise, the total antithesis to the storm raging in me.
The cemetery where our family plots reside is well-maintained, the grass is neatly trimmed. Clean ivory headstones are scattered throughout the landscape, each one marking a final resting place. Some are adorned with flowers and personal mementos, while others stand tall and alone
