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Roxie winces and pats my knee in a show of comfort as if I’m a little kid. I won't stop her, though. I’ll take whatever comfort I can get at this point, even if it makes me seem pathetic. “An oath? That’s pretty serious. Why did you break it, though? Elise is one of the millions of girls that you could have.”
I groan, covering my face with my hands before letting them slip down. “You know what? From the moment I first saw her, I knew I was going to break that oath one day. We were going to collide eventually, like it was written in stone or something. I hoped I’d have been strong enough to resist, and maybe just get over her, but it never happened. Then she started showing signs that she was into me too, and well… I’m a weak man, I guess.”
“You’re not,” Roxie hums softly. “Does she feel the same way?”
Her question feels like a knife twisting in my chest, and I unconsciously rub the spot over my heart. “I … I don’t know, honestly. She’s never directly told me about her feelings for me, but it’s clear she said those three words to Johan. Maybe that’s why Andries wanted to do that oath because he knew she loved Johan even back then. Who knows…?”
Roxanne scoots closer to me on the stone bench and leans her head on my shoulder in a show of sister-like affection. Had my heart not been so shattered, it would have meant a lot, but as of right now, I’m just numb.
“You can’t force someone to love you, no matter how good the sex is or how strong the lust is between the two of you. I know it seems odd, but lust and love only come hand in hand on very special occasions.” She sighs. “I should know. I was an escort, remember? Many men fell in love with me, and it was a really complicated and delicate situation to navigate out when that happened because it was always just work for me.”
“It’s just… there are these moments between us when I’m sure she’s about to tell me that she loves me. There’s this look in her eyes or the way she touches me…”
“Maybe Elise feels like she should love you because of those types of moments, but you can’t force her to love you if her heart is somewhere else,” Roxanne says.
The imaginary knife in my chest twists again––hard. “Do you really think she could have held a dwindling flame for this guy for three years with zero contact?”
Roxie shrugs. “I’ve heard stranger things.”
“Fuck,” is all I can say.
This is exactly what I have been afraid of. She’s always been such an ice queen, but I really thought it was different when she was with me. When I spend time with Elise, she’s warm, sweet, kind, and always desires me fully whenever we have sex. To me, that feels like love, but what if coming from her it’s not? The idea that she’s just been using me for fun and pleasure makes me feel ill.
The worst part about it is that I can’t even be mad at her for it. She never promised to love me, and when I confessed my love to her, I even assured her that she didn’t have to say it back. I've given her every signal that what we’re doing could just be a friends with benefits setup if that’s what she really wanted. I should have never given in to her when she came on to me at the party. If I hadn’t, we would be pretty much separated by now. Sure, I had made advances toward her in the heat of the moment before the first night we had sex, but that night when I took her virginity changed everything. We’re connected, and I can’t separate love from lust when it comes to her. Hell, I had even commented to her on her birthday that I knew she was using me, and she didn’t even deny it. Elise has been waving red flags in my face for weeks now and I’ve been more than happy to ignore them just to spend more time with her.
Andries is right. I’m a fool.
Roxanne lets me process things, but eventually, she raises her head from my shoulder and pats me on the knee again. “I’ve got to get back to the party before Andries comes looking for me. Dan…?”
At the sound of my name, I turn to face her, finding a wealth of sympathy and understanding in Roxie’s eyes.
“Andries will be better tomorrow after he’s had time to digest the news. I know he already knew, but the confirmation is a lot more shocking than having a hunch. Regardless, I’m here if you need me, okay? And I bet Andries will be there for you too… once he’s gotten all the angriness out of his system.”
I give her hand a quick squeeze as she leaves but don’t offer her any other words. I’m thankful for her company, and the hard truths she’s made me see, but there is a lump in my throat that makes it hard to speak. What a tough guy I am, getting all choked up in a garden over a girl. I hate myself sometimes.
The garden is secluded, but I can still hear the music and laughter coming from the terrace. I briefly consider leaving and going to a bar downtown to drown my sorrows. I’m sure it wouldn’t be too hard to find someone to buy some cocaine from, but something makes me hesitate. Being inebriated in any way is going to make me more impulsive. With a man I want to beat the shit out of staying under the same roof as me, it would surely be a recipe for disaster.
Maybe I’m starting to realize that I have to actually face my emotions and not drink and snort them away. Is it possible that I’m maturing? I laugh to myself at the thought.
There is one person that knows what’s going on with Elise and me, and it just so happens to be the person I trust most in the entire world. Thinking about calling my dad for advice in my twenties makes me want to cringe, but as soon as the idea crosses my mind, I can’t shake it. He’ll know what to do, even if it isn’t what I want to hear. Plus, I really want to hear his voice. I think it will ground me.
Dad picks up on the first ring, no doubt scrolling through Instagram––where he follows hundreds of classic car pages. He accepts my FaceTime, and I can see him now, sitting at the kitchen island while mom makes herself a post-dinner cocktail. His reading glasses are perched on the end of his nose. It makes me feel better… like home isn’t so far away.
“Hey, kid,” Dad says with his usual warm voice causing me to smile. “How's Capri?”
“It’s… uh… well, Capri itself is great. But if you’re asking if I’m having a good time…”
“Uh-oh. Let me guess, this has something to do with being in a crucible with your best friend and his sister who you’ve got a thing for even though you’ve sworn never to even look at her flirtatiously. Am I right?”
I roll my eyes, even if he can see it. “Yes, but even worse, somehow.”
“Okay, well fill your old man in and I’ll give you some sage advice.”
So I do, telling him everything I can while still keeping it appropriate for a father-son conversation. From Elise sleeping over after my party to the chilly flight and arrival at Capri, my brief fake interlude with Mia, and then my reconciliation with Elise. Skimming over the more lurid details, I admit that I confessed my love to her, and the escape we had in the private cove before Andries invited Johan. Once I explain that Johan is not only Elise’s ex, but connected to the British royal family, Pops lets out a long, low whistle.
“Wow. That certainly is a lot of trouble for the few short days you’ve been there. How are you right now?”
“A fucking mess,” I admit, raking my hands through my hair. “I love them both, you know? I love Andries like a brother, and I love Elise so intensely that I could see myself being with her for a long, long time. But now, I feel like they’re both using me. Andries is getting this trip, not to mention the engagement party, and Elise is getting…” I trail off, not sure how to say it.
